Living in a War Zone

Dirty found a baby scorpion in our kitchen last night.

So small it looked like it had been zapped with that Honey, I Shrunk the Kids laser.

Luckily, it was already dead.

But it means that they are getting into my house again.

It is time to release the poison - I will not stand for an invasion on my soil.

After all, if you're not with us, you're against us.

Waging A War...

Today is the day that I head to Missouri for the weekend that I have dubbed, "Hillbilly Hell." A former roommate is getting married and I have been asked (surprise, surprise) to be a bridesmaid. As a side note: if anyone has any suggestions of ways to politely turn down a request of this type - I am VERY open to them!

This morning, I was readying myself and my house for the weekend away. This usually consists of taking out the trash, washing the dishes, starting the dishwasher, etc. As I begin to rinse out the sink for dish-washing, I look down and there is a scorpion in it. I try, unsuccessfully to drown him. Then I have a mild heart attack, call Match.mom, and run through my house trying to find a bottle of isopropyl alcohol. (I somehow remember that this kills scorpions.) I don't find any, but I do get Match on the phone. She tells me to calm down and pour bleach on the intruder - after she asks me if I'm sure it's a scorpion. Am I sure?? Are you kidding me???

A half bottle of bleach later, the apparent cockroach-scorpion hybrid has not died. However, I have immobilized him enough that I feel safe reaching into the sink to smash him with something.

After disposing of him properly, I begin to realize what has just happened - a spider in the shower and then a scorpion in the sink - those bastards have just fired a shot across the bow. I DO NOT take that lightly! So, as soon as I return home from the disaster that is going to be this weekend, I am waging war! I will call the exterminator and spread some powdered laundry detergent around the perimeter of my house (apparently this slowly kills scorpions by eating away their flesh).

Just remember, in this battle, "if you're not with us, you're against us!"

It Is About the Warrior...

If you missed the Academy of Country Music Awards, you missed a great performance by Trace Adkins.

I Need A Man Around Here...

About two weeks ago I was sitting at my desk and talking to Banana on the phone. Innocently, I looked down and saw the BIGGEST spider in the universe crawling behind my desk. I freaked out. Literally, my heart was racing, blood was pounding in my ears so I couldn't even hear outside noises, it was out of control. So I run to get a shoe out of my closet to kill this intruder. However, he is sneakier than I am and when I returned he was in such a location that I couldn't get to him. So I just put him out of my mind and continued on about my day.

So today I go through the motions to get in the shower. I turn the water on so that it can get hot while I undress and get a towel.

Let's take short break while I explain to you that there are two activities each day that are strictly "Airplane-time." That is, a time when I do not have my cell phones and no one can bother me. Those times are the gym and the shower. I am very serious about these two occasions being uninterrupted. Matthew McConaughey could show up at my house and want to get in the shower and I would tell him no. That's serious.

Back to the present - water is warm and I get in the shower. I look down and who is there to interrupt this very serious time in my day? The GIANT spider. I almost had a heart attack. Which would pretty much be horrible. First of all, it would take someone a really long time to find me since I live alone. And when they did find me, I'd be naked. And finally, my water bill would be out of control if the shower ran that long... Either way, there was only one thing I could do. I had to kill the spider. I tried to drown him, but he was apparently a mutant and resisted my murderous attempt. So I look around and decide I have to smash him with a shampoo bottle. So, I'm in the shower, water running around me, with a shampoo bottle in my hand, and the intent of murder in my mind. I finally got up the nerve and killed the SOB. But not before he ruined my shower time. For the remainder of my shower all I could think about was the spider coming back to life and biting me.