Lost

I'm lost, friends.

Not in a literal sense. In that sense, I'm sitting in my living room on my favorite chair with a glass of wine. But in the mental sense. 

And I think I just figured it out.

You see, for a very long time, I have spent my time being the problem-solver in my family. Doing the things that I thought would keep the peace. Saying the things that made everyone happy. Making sure that everyone got along. Not to my detriment, but certainly not to my freedom. (I don't even think that made sense...oh well)

So, all of the sudden, I decided to do what I wanted. To be who I wanted. To hell with everyone else. But the thing is: I don't actually know how to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm giving it the old college try, but it is a very confusing place for me to be.

And I think that what really throws a wrench into the whole thing is that I can't get away from listening to what everyone has to say about what I am doing or not doing. And sometimes it is contradictory to who I am. And sometimes it is just contradictory. And then I don't actually know what to do. And then I start to overthink it all. And then it all falls apart in my lap. 

And I feel like Alice in the rabbit hole. And I'm not even sure that's the proper example because I haven't watched Alice in Wonderland in at least 20 years, because I just couldn't handle the Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter thing.

So the moral of this story is: don't be me, kids. Codependency is real son-of-a-bitch.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

I was talking to Match last night and she was telling me a story about being in Costco in the last week and watching an older woman put back a regular turkey that cost $.99/lb. and pick up an organic turkey that would cost her $2.99/lb. She was willing to pay two more dollars a pound for a turkey that was "organic." And like Match said, how does she know that every bug that turkey ate was "organic?" How does she know that one of them didn't happen to get sprayed at some point, but just not enough to die? 

I told her that I believed that the fact that people were so willing to throw money away at an idea was signalling the end of the world. 

She agreed and shared another example with me that is really unimportant, because we then decided that the other sign was that men no longer have the ability to be men.

Seriously, if one more person tells me that I need to be the one who makes the move on a guy, I'm going to burn this place to the ground!

When did we get away from men courting women? Why do we only have a culture of "hanging out" and seeing where it goes? I don't want to hang out with you. I can hang out with my friends. If I want to date you, I want to go on dates with you. Obviously, we will be "hanging out" together on these dates. But I want them to be purposeful hang-outs. And I want you to ask me on dates. 

This is not too much to ask. I want a man to be a man. I want to be the woman in the relationship. I'm not saying that we can't be partners, but I want to be courted in the beginning. Show me that you want to be with me.

I woke up this morning and I was thinking about it some more. And here's what it comes down to:

I deserve to be with someone who wants to take me on dates. Who wants to spend time with me, and not just when he's had a few drinks to give him the courage to ask. I may like him, but I like me more. And I'm not settling for less than what I deserve.

Hitting Reset

Way back around the time I was in college, Bridezilla and I decided that November was going to be "our month."

I can't necessarily remember the events surrounding us deciding that we needed a month to believe that everything was going to go our way, but it happened and it was November.

This morning I woke up and decided that I am going back to that! November is going to be my month. I am hitting the reset button and things are going to go my way.

I let October get me down and I need to get back in control. Of everything. Eating. Working out. Just being me.

Starting right this moment, I am focussing on me and me alone for the next month. I am going to eat clean. Limit my alcohol intake (I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up all together). Prioritize my workouts. Add some additional workouts in during the week. Maybe start yoga.

If you catch me being negative. Slap me.

If you catch me eating sugar. Slap it out of my hand.

If you hear me making excuses for not working out. Say something.

Let's do this shit, November!