Sunday, September 20, 2015

Things 34 Years Have Taught Me

I have written this post in my head at least a dozen times. It is truly the bane of my writing that inspiration and words come to me at the most inopportune times. Like when I'm driving down the road and can not jot down my thoughts.

Being 34 and a single woman is interesting. I am certainly not the only single 34-year-old woman on the planet. I'm not even the only one I know. But for some people, meeting me is like encountering a unicorn - and they just can't understand me. 

But the thing is, that's not very important to me. What matters most to me is that I know myself. And know myself, I do.

Having the opportunity to be unapologetically who I am (be that good or bad) for so long has taught me a few things. Now these things may not make sense for everyone, but they make sense for me and I want to write them down.

So here it is, in no particular order:

There is a good chance that not everyone will like me. As a matter of fact, it is inevitable. However, I can not change who I am to suit another. And in many cases, there is no reason and no solution for someone not wanting to be my friend. That is ok.

My sisters may make me crazy (and I can assure you that I make them crazy), but when my world is crumbling around me, there aren't many places that comfort me like being in their presence.

Lipstick makes all the difference. I shunned it for so long, but the truth is, it completes a look and was right.

Never let an opportunity pass you by twice. Especially if you had regrets the first time. There is a reason that it comes around again.

Don't let someone else define your beauty. This one is a constant struggle, my friends. But I won't give up.

People will be quick to judge and criticize the things that they don't understand or that make them uncomfortable. That is on them.

My family is the best around. For too long I have taken for granted how lucky I am that my parents are loving, giving, and stable. Everyone does not have that in their lives.

Success means something different to every person. I can not judge my own success by there standards. I can only decide what I want and get it.

A lot of problems can be solved with a bottle of wine and good friends.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Mother's Day

In just about 30 minutes, it will be Mother's Day here in Arizona.

I'm not going to go on and on about how Match is the best mom around and better than every other mom, even though you all are going to say yours are the best. Even though I could, because she is.

But as I approach my 35th year on this earth, I can tell you that she inspires me every day. 

I honestly can't think of a time in my life where I dreamt of being a mother. I don't think I'm one of those people who always knew that is what I was meant to be. I can't recall ever being the person who NEVER wanted children, I was just indifferent to the idea.

Don't get me wrong, I've thought of potential names for my unborn children. And I've thought about how I would raise them, but I can't say that it was my calling from a young age. It was just one of those things that I thought about occasionally.

But as I approach "advanced maternal age" and the thought of potentially never having children crosses my mind, I think about motherhood much more now than I ever have.

I hate to admit that there was a time in my life when I was pretty sure Match had no idea what she was talking about. I guess we all go through that stage with our parents, but each day that I live, I realize that she is pretty damn smart. 

My mom has been there for me every step of the way. She has encouraged me through decisions that were not easy, and cheered me on through my triumphs. She has dried more tears than I'm willing to admit, and kicked my ass into gear when I needed it most.

Today, there is not much I look forward to more than having a glass of wine (or vodka) with her on a Friday evening. Or just chatting on the phone after a shitty day.

Some day, God willing, I will become a mom, and I know that there is probably no way I will ever live up to her. But I also know that she has taught me more about life than I deserve to know and I am overly blessed to call her my

I love you, Match. I can't imagine life without you!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

A New Year

One year ago today, we lost Haytachi. By all accounts, it has been a rough year.

But today, on the anniversary of our loss, we also celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus. To me that is not a coincidence.

The message that I have taken from this Lenten season is that death has no power over me.

There is sadness and grief that surround the losses of the past year, but there is a joy in knowing that they are not the end. 

I have always heard Match say that in her family, funerals were celebrations. (And admittedly when we took family pictures at Popie's funeral lunch, my cousins and I were a little weirded out.) But I don't think it was until this Lenten season that I truly understood the concept.

So, today, is the beginning of my new year. And it is going to be a good one!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Why I CrossFit

I know that there are a multitude of articles out there about why CrossFit is bad. And why people hate it. And I've read quite a few of them. And they all make my blood pressure rise.

And the truth is that those of you reading this are my family and friends who already know why I CrossFit or how I feel about it, but I just had to write it down.

In the beginning, I did CrossFit because a friend from college was posting about it on Facebook and it sounded awesome.

Then Banana bought a 12-class punch card at the local gym, but before she could use it, Bunner got a new job and they moved to the other side of town. And in a manner totally unlike any fitness institution I have ever visited, they let her transfer those classes to me.

That was over three years ago. 

Since the moment I walked into the gym for my first WOD - Run 400m, Row 500m, Run 400m, Row 500m - I have been encouraged by the coaches at the gym. 

I CrossFit because on the days when a skill is failing me, my classmates rally around me and offer me tips to get better.

I CrossFit because on the days when I hit a PR, everyone cheers for me.

For the first time in my fitness life, I can see the changes in my body. I can feel the strength that I am gaining. I can record my victories.

I CrossFit because the community is amazing. Because when I am out of town and get the courage to go to another gym (even though I wouldn't consider myself a "cross fitter" because of my weaknesses), the coaches and patrons of those gyms cheer for me just as loudly as my own coaches and classmates.

I have worked with a number of trainers, some of whom are still my friends, but I have never worked with people like my CrossFit coaches who try to understand me as an individual and work with me to use my strengths and weaknesses to achieve my goals.

I CrossFit because I love it. I wake up at 4:15 four mornings a week (even on my day off) because I have never finished a lift or a WOD and thought, I wish I would have stayed in bed instead of doing that.

And for me, the love of the game is one of the most important things. Because when I'm feeling down because I think I should be smaller or stronger or more gymnasty, if I didn't love it, I would quit. 

I know that CrossFit isn't for everyone - that doesn't stop me from trying to get them to give it a shot. I would love it if my entire family went to CrossFit with me, but that isn't realistic nor is it my reality.

I CrossFit because I know that I am building a body that I can be proud of. I know that I am living healthier than I have ever lived before. And I know that I have a gym and a worldwide community full of people who get that.

I CrossFit because I can.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The "Situation"

There is something that I have been avoiding telling all of you.

For no reason other than I don't want to have to answer any questions about it.

I am online dating again.

I really struggle between the two arguments of dating:

1. You'll find someone when you aren't looking.

b. You have to put yourself out there.

Honestly, I think that it is all bullshit. I think you just have to do what feels right and live life. So that's what I'm doing.

I signed back up for eHarmony and signed away my first born child. (Seriously, this shit doesn't come cheap.)

And with Match's words in mind, You have to stop finding reasons to not date people, I started this crazy process.

There have been some bumps along the way, some shady characters, some far-reaches, and one person I refused to answer based solely on his picture. Motorcycles and bathrooms selfies I may let slip by, but if the only picture you have posted is an animation of the Archangel Michael, I'm out!

I've tried to go into this with the realization that not everyone is going to like me, but that is ok because I'm not going to like everyone. 

With all that being said, let's get to the situation.

A couple of weeks ago, a gentleman from Tucson initiated communication. I wasn't thrilled with the fact that he lived in Tucson, but hearing Match's voice in my ear made me respond. 

So we made it through to the open communication stage and sent a few emails back and forth.

Nothing earth-shattering, but nothing that made me want to hide my profile and block him from every communicating again.

Then he sends a message and at the end of it says, "There's something that I've been wanting to ask you: I am enjoying communicating with you, but obviously there is some distance between us. What are your thoughts on this?"

I respond that while I don't think the distance is ideal, I also don't think it is an insurmountable issue.

A couple of days later he emails back that he thinks it is too early to decide either way and he will be in Phoenix visiting a friend over the weekend and would I like to get coffee.

I agree to coffee. We meet for coffee. Things go fine.

Again, nothing earth-shattering, but we have a nice conversation. He's pretty nerdy and a little awkward, but I'm used to this so I roll with it.

Then it's time to say goodbye and it just kind of ends. A couple of "nice to meet yous," but no plans for future meetings or follow-up.

I assume we won't talk again. I wasn't really motivated by our meeting or previous communication to reach out, and I figured he felt the same.

So you can imagine my surprise when I get a text out of the blue a couple of days later. 

Again, I would like to reiterate that since I walked away from him at the coffee shop I have not tried to communicate with him. I have not viewed his profile online. I have not sent a text. I have not emailed. 

Him: Hey. It was nice meeting you this weekend. Have you given any thought to our situation?

Wait, what? You guys, we honestly didn't even talk about the "situation" while having coffee. No mention of the distance. No discussion of thinking about it. I mean, we were on a first date at coffee, for the love of Pete.

But again, I'm trying to be open-minded and let things work out the way they should so I respond.

Me: It was nice meeting you as well. I guess for me the distance doesn't seem insurmountable - I wouldn't say that I often travel between the two cities now, but I have in the past. What do you think?

Him: Honestly the distance for me was kind of rough. It just seems like it would be a lot of traveling for both of us and that wouldn't be fair to either one of us. I would prefer to stay in Tucson.

So why are we having this conversation? I didn't ask you to leave Tucson on a permanent basis. I didn't even ask you to leave Tucson to have coffee with me.

I don't understand. 

One friend told me that it sounded like he was breaking up with me.

I told him, "In that case, I'm going to respond, 'I don't think this is going anywhere. We should probably break up.'"

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

When I was in college (I think), in a psychology class (I think), I learned about something called self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't remember all of the ins and outs of it, and I'm not really willing to look it up, but we can safely say that the gist of it is, if you think something is going to happen a certain way, it generally will.

Basically, your attitude determines your results. In everything.

If, for example, you think/say that every time you travel your flights are delayed or your bags are lost or something bad happens; the chances are good that when you travel one of those things will happen.

I will admit to being guilty of this. I have said, "that will never work for me." And it didn't.

"He'll never go for a girl like me." And he didn't.

"They won't hire me." And they didn't.

It's not that I didn't try for those things I wanted, but I mentally sabotaged myself. Even if I didn't realize it at the time.

I recently told someone, "I have a hard time feeling bad for people who create the situation they are in, which I am expected to feel bad for."

The time is now to think positive. To say, "I can do that."

"I will do that."

"This is going to be amazing!"

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Sin Pesar

I really try to live my life without regret. Unfortunately, today that is impossible.

I don't think that I mentioned before that I am currently vacationing in Europe. I flew from Phoenix to Frankfurt, stayed there for a couple of days, then flew to Madrid (where I am now) for five days. Tomorrow I will fly back to Frankfurt, spend two more nights and then head home.

As part of the trip, today we took the fast train to Segovia from Madrid. For this entire trip, we have been looking for cute men for me. Why? Why not?

So today, an American man got on the train and sat across the aisle from Tela. He was with two older couples - I couldn't tell if they were family or friends or what. From what I gathered, he is living in Madrid and they were out to visit.

He was VERY good looking. But I was by the window and Tela was sleeping so I didn't talk to him. Then we got off the train and they ended up behind us in line for the bus. I almost asked where they were from when chaos ensued and I missed my chance. He went to see what was happening on the other bus while Tela spoke to the driver of the bus we were in line for. Turns out we wanted the other bus and they wanted the current bus.

Foiled again.

At the end of the day we end up back at the train station and in the cafe who do we see? The American. There was really no way to talk to him, based on the seating arrangement, so I was hoping he would sit next to us on the train home.

No such luck.

They were in a different car.

Then we ended up heading down to the Metro at the same time, but my type A personality had me walking at an extreme rate of speed and he and his group missed the Metro by like 45 seconds. He looked as upset as I felt.

All I can think about now is why I didn't initiate a conversation when I had the chance.