Thursday, April 7, 2016

What If?

I've been struggling a lot lately.

I feel like I say that a lot. But I think if we are all being honest, we struggle more than we are willing to admit. And since I'm all about being honest, I'm laying it out for you all right here.

I've been struggling with motivation. I'm struggling with who I want to be. I'm struggling with who I currently am. 

It seems like I am searching for all the wrong things in all the wrong places. 

Tonight I was scrolling through Facebook and there were two things that made me think - first was an article about a young man who was killed in a car accident, the second was a flashback post from a friend who was in a car accident that should have killed her 8 years ago.

And it got me thinking. (You knew that was coming.)

What if today was your last day on Earth? Would you feel like you lived a full life? What would people say about you? 

What if tomorrow you got a second chance at life? What would you do differently? 

So, that's what tomorrow is for me. It is a second chance at this. It is the chance that I'm going to take to be everything I can be. To get my priorities in line, and stick to them.

It is time for me to start loving me and being me. Stop trying to do things to please others. Or be who they want me to be. 

Why is that so hard to do?

Sunday, February 14, 2016

It's Legal Now

I've been meaning to tell this story for some time now.

Towards the end of last year, I learned about a mentorship program through a local nonprofit and I just knew that I needed to sign up for it.

In order to do that, I needed to get fingerprinted at the police department. The day that I went in, I happened to be wearing the ring that LaVa gave me for Christmas.

It isn't a diamond ring and I wasn't wearing it on my left hand. These details will be important in about five seconds.

The city where I work uses police volunteers to do the fingerprinting. So I was dealing with an older gentleman - probably in his late 70s.

As he was dipping my fingers in ink and pressing them onto the paper, he was making conversation. On the fourth finger he asks me, "who made you that ring?"

Me: It was a Christmas gift from one of my girlfriends.
Him: Oh. What did you get her?
Me: Umm. I can't actually remember.
Him: I guess it wasn't very meaningful. Are you guys serious?

All of the sudden I realize that he thinks I said that my girlfriend gave me the ring. There's no way I can get out of this now. And certainly no way to tell him that I got LaVa a sleep shirt that says, "The Snuggle is Real."

By this point we are on to the second hand and I'm hoping that we can get out of this conversation before it gets any deeper.

Wishful thinking.

We sit down to finish the paperwork and he keeps asking questions. Do we love each other? Are we going to get married? You know that's legal now?

I tell him that, no, we aren't getting married. He asks why. Then says, "you're not sure yet, are you?"

Exactly! I'm not sure I am an actual lesbian, Sir! I told you that one of my got me this ring. Not my actual girlfriend.

Of course, I didn't say that. I just smiled. Then he asks, "is your family ok with it?"

We were so close to being done. I just said that they were. Though when I left there and called Match to relay the story to her, I decided that I should have started crying and said, "no. I haven't been able to tell them."

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Get It From Within

I really should be sleeping right now if I'm going to get up and make it to 5am CrossFit, but if there is one thing I have learned about myself, it is this: if I start thinking that I want to write something, I need to open the computer and start writing. It seems that the inspiration and words never come to me again.

Often I read something that speaks to me. Either negatively or positively, it moves me to change who I am or how I do things. Tonight I read one of those things.

It was about self-validation - only it really wasn't. But that's what I got from it.

And just prior to that, when I had gotten undressed and was standing in front of the mirror, I was admiring myself. (I know, it sounds ridiculous.) Honestly, I have some weight to lose. And I know I could eat better. But when I looked in the mirror tonight, I liked what I saw. It was kind of soft, but it was also kind of feminine. 

But too many times throughout the day, I let myself be burdened with the words other people are saying. And the thing is, they aren't even saying them to me. Or about me. Why am I so vain to think that their words are a reflection of me?

I know that I am too caught up in society's definition of beauty. No matter how much I want to say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, when someone talks about how beautiful someone is because they are "tiny" or "have a bangin' body," I feel like they are saying that I am not beautiful because I am neither of those things.

But I am beautiful. When I look in the mirror, with or without clothes, I see beauty. And at the end of the day, isn't that what matters? 

We can all spend our time listening to what others are saying and letting that dictate what we see, but isn't it much more productive to be who we are and tell ourselves that is the most beautiful thing there is?

In the end, isn't the world a more beautiful place if we are all just being our best selves?

Monday, January 11, 2016

Damn, We're Mean

So, here's the thing, I was prepared to tell you a most hilarious thing that happened to me today, but then one of my Facebook "friends" posted a link to a blog with a pretty ridiculous introduction about how she didn't agree with the post. Which got me thinking about the things I'm going to say next. So here I am, laying in bed with my laptop so that as soon as I click "publish" I can shut this thing down and roll over and fall asleep.

To begin with, why would a person post a link to something that they didn't agree with? I mean, if I read something and I don't agree with it, I don't think I post it on Facebook and tell everyone how the author is an idiot. If I don't agree with something, I don't want to be promoting it to other people. 

But the greater problem here is that we women are mean. Downright horrible to each other. In one breath we tell our girlfriends to love themselves and be who they are, and in the next breath we are bashing women we don't know (or even those we do) for doing things differently than us.

Why can't we disagree without criticism?

I'm not saying that I am above all this? I'm as guilty as the next person, but why? Why do women feel like we have to put other women down in order to justify who we are?

It's bad enough that we are hard on ourselves, why do we want to make anyone feel as bad as we make ourselves feel?

I just don't get it.

Friday, November 27, 2015


I'm lost, friends.

Not in a literal sense. In that sense, I'm sitting in my living room on my favorite chair with a glass of wine. But in the mental sense. 

And I think I just figured it out.

You see, for a very long time, I have spent my time being the problem-solver in my family. Doing the things that I thought would keep the peace. Saying the things that made everyone happy. Making sure that everyone got along. Not to my detriment, but certainly not to my freedom. (I don't even think that made sense...oh well)

So, all of the sudden, I decided to do what I wanted. To be who I wanted. To hell with everyone else. But the thing is: I don't actually know how to do that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm giving it the old college try, but it is a very confusing place for me to be.

And I think that what really throws a wrench into the whole thing is that I can't get away from listening to what everyone has to say about what I am doing or not doing. And sometimes it is contradictory to who I am. And sometimes it is just contradictory. And then I don't actually know what to do. And then I start to overthink it all. And then it all falls apart in my lap. 

And I feel like Alice in the rabbit hole. And I'm not even sure that's the proper example because I haven't watched Alice in Wonderland in at least 20 years, because I just couldn't handle the Johnny Depp as Mad Hatter thing.

So the moral of this story is: don't be me, kids. Codependency is real son-of-a-bitch.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

I was talking to Match last night and she was telling me a story about being in Costco in the last week and watching an older woman put back a regular turkey that cost $.99/lb. and pick up an organic turkey that would cost her $2.99/lb. She was willing to pay two more dollars a pound for a turkey that was "organic." And like Match said, how does she know that every bug that turkey ate was "organic?" How does she know that one of them didn't happen to get sprayed at some point, but just not enough to die? 

I told her that I believed that the fact that people were so willing to throw money away at an idea was signalling the end of the world. 

She agreed and shared another example with me that is really unimportant, because we then decided that the other sign was that men no longer have the ability to be men.

Seriously, if one more person tells me that I need to be the one who makes the move on a guy, I'm going to burn this place to the ground!

When did we get away from men courting women? Why do we only have a culture of "hanging out" and seeing where it goes? I don't want to hang out with you. I can hang out with my friends. If I want to date you, I want to go on dates with you. Obviously, we will be "hanging out" together on these dates. But I want them to be purposeful hang-outs. And I want you to ask me on dates. 

This is not too much to ask. I want a man to be a man. I want to be the woman in the relationship. I'm not saying that we can't be partners, but I want to be courted in the beginning. Show me that you want to be with me.

I woke up this morning and I was thinking about it some more. And here's what it comes down to:

I deserve to be with someone who wants to take me on dates. Who wants to spend time with me, and not just when he's had a few drinks to give him the courage to ask. I may like him, but I like me more. And I'm not settling for less than what I deserve.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hitting Reset

Way back around the time I was in college, Bridezilla and I decided that November was going to be "our month."

I can't necessarily remember the events surrounding us deciding that we needed a month to believe that everything was going to go our way, but it happened and it was November.

This morning I woke up and decided that I am going back to that! November is going to be my month. I am hitting the reset button and things are going to go my way.

I let October get me down and I need to get back in control. Of everything. Eating. Working out. Just being me.

Starting right this moment, I am focussing on me and me alone for the next month. I am going to eat clean. Limit my alcohol intake (I'm not sure I'm ready to give it up all together). Prioritize my workouts. Add some additional workouts in during the week. Maybe start yoga.

If you catch me being negative. Slap me.

If you catch me eating sugar. Slap it out of my hand.

If you hear me making excuses for not working out. Say something.

Let's do this shit, November!