How's Your Love Life?

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Match on my way in to work and she said that Granny B needed me to call her.

Match: You know Granny B's Democrat friend? Well, Granny B made her some sweet and spicy pickles and as a thank you, she brought over one of those three crockpot warming things. Granny B asked if I wanted it, but I just can't store another thing so she wants to see if you need it before she offers it to anyone else.

Me: Oh. I could maybe use that. If this food thing takes off and I start catering. (Yes, I'm crazy.)

Match: Ok, call her and tell her. She wakes up at 7.

Me: It's 7:05, I'll wait until a little later to call her.

The day goes on, I forget to call. 2:30pm rolls around and I yell, "OH SHIT!" out loud in my office. I just remembered to call Granny B.

So I pick up the phone and call her. After I relay to her that my mom told me to call her this morning, but I thought it was too early and then I just yelled, "Oh Shit!" in my office, she proceeds to tell me about why she needed me to call.

Granny B: Do you know my black friend?

Me: (suppressing hysterical laughter) Yes, I think I do.

Granny B: Well, I gave her some pickles and she thought she had to get me something in return. I just hate it when people do that. And it's one of those…oh, you know…well, I can't explain it.

Me: Do you just want me to come by the house and look at it?

Granny B: Oh, that would be great!

We settle on Sunday around 10:45 to give me time to deliver the air hockey table to the Big T house.

Sunday rolls around and Granny B calls right about the time I am unloading said air hockey table so I miss her call. She leaves a message asking if I want to go to Olive Garden for soup and salad. Obviously, I can not say no to this woman.

So I finally make it to her house and we get in the car to go to the OG. On the way there, in typical Granny B fashion, she says, "Do you know if there is a baby store around here?"

Me: What are you looking for?

Granny B: Well, I need one of those seats like they have at the Macaroni Grill for kids to sit in.

Me: Like a booster seat?

Granny B: Yes. BabyBunner is going to at the house for Christmas Eve and I need one for him.

So I tell her that there is a Babies'R'Us near the OG and we can swing in after lunch. Though I'm suspicious that she knew that and was just tricking me into thinking it was my idea.

We are sitting at lunch, waiting on our salads to arrive:

Granny B: So, how's your love life?

Me: Nonexistent.

Granny B: So a lot like mine?

Yes, Granny B, please do remind me that my love life is so lame that it rivals that of a 90-year-old woman. That makes me feel good about myself.

Then she proceeds to tell me that if I went out to places where you could meet men maybe I would have a boyfriend. I ask her what she means. She says, "Well, they aren't just going to show up at your house."

We make it through the rest of lunch, hit up Babies'R'Us, get in the car to head home when she asks me if I'm in a hurry. I assure her that I have a little time and ask what she needs. To go to the dollar store to buy some buckets.

Yesterday, Tiger and I were driving back from a basketball game in Tucson and he asks me if she still drives. I tell him that she does, but that I don't think she likes to because she is always tricking Match, Xou Xou, SuperFan, and me to take her on her errands. Then I proceed to tell him the above story and he says, "Is it really tricking you if you know it's coming?"

Reindeer, Tiny Trees, and Holly Berries....Oh My!

On Sunday, Match, XouXou, SuperFan, JP, JP's mom, and I headed over to Granny B's house for the annual Christmas decorating extravaganza.

Of course you know there are stories to be told...

We have been partaking in this tradition for more years than I care to remember, so we have a pretty good handle on what goes where and how she likes it. The problem is, she doesn't always remember, so things that should take an hour, end up taking three as we remove and replace the same piece of tinsel fifteen times.

Part of me thinks it is just her way of keeping us there longer to spend more time with us...

Either way, this year, there was a little tiny blessing bestowed upon us. Right after we all arrived, Granny B had to run to Michael's to get batteries and ribbon. 

You see, Match and XouXou took her shopping prior to this event and they had purchased a roll of ribbon for bow-making, but when they got home she couldn't find her ribbon. She accused Match of taking it home with her, but that was not the case. So off to the craft store she went and into hyper-drive we went.

The goal: get as much decorated as possible before she returned.

So the adults started on the tree and us kids started on the front porch (aka the Enchanted Forest). 

Having done this for years and years, we had a good handle on what she would want it to look like, and if we got it finished and she just got to see the finished product she would be happy. Otherwise, she watches as you put it together and critiques every placement of ornament or tree.

Last year, Granny B decided to add holly berries to the big tree on the front porch, so JP and I got to work adding the berries. More on top. Even if you think there are enough, she'll want more.

By the time she arrived both tasks had been completed and we were working on nutcracker, Santa, and Nativity displays. 

She walks out front to see what we lovingly refer to as the Enchanted Forest and talks about how great it looks. Then she sees the holly berries in the tree and says something to the effect of, What are these doing here? I don't want those. I remind her that we put them in last year, but she doesn't want them so JP and I remove them and put them in a box to be returned to storage.

Then we begin placing tiny fake Christmas trees everywhere. Seriously, friends, every.where!

Picture courtesy of JP

Then, Match gets the bows put onto the new garlands and they hang one on the front door next to the Enchanted Forest. Once she closes the door and realizes that there is red in the garland, but no color in the large tree, she begins to ask for red bulbs. Much to her dismay, we do not have any red bulbs. So JP informs her that the only color accent we have is the holly berries she removed earlier. She reiterates that she does not want those.

Then not five minutes later, turns to SuperFan and says, Beeshk, go get those berries from the garage. And as you see in the bottom right picture, the holly berries were reintroduced to the Enchanted Forest as an invasive species.

But it is so nice for the reindeer.

One of my other favorite Christmas tasks is replacing all of the white candles in her house with red ones. So we are doing just that when I open a box of red candles and find a roll of ribbon. I hold it up to XouXou and ask, "is the ribbon she keeps accusing Match of stealing?" Xou confirms it is, so I walk up to Granny B and ask, "Is this the ribbon you've been looking for?"

She didn't even look at it, she just responded, "No!"

Then she looked at it and asked, "Where did you find it?" I told her that I found it in the box with the red candles so she begins to look at it a little closer; and then she looks at me and says, "I think you may be right."

I just made the Sign of the Cross and carried on replacing white candles with red.

Until next year, when we have all the same discussions again...

A Rollercoaster Ride

I decided that I have to tell you all this story because sometimes I think about it and I just start laughing out loud.

Back in 2010, we took a family trip to Disneyland. I thought that I wrote about that trip, but apparently I did not because I couldn't find a post about it.

Either way, you can imagine the madness of 10 adults and 2 children in Disneyland for two days. It was a blast!

Something that you should know about PapaBear is that he loves his grandkids A LOT and basically if they ask him to do something (within reason) he does it. So BiggieSmalls wants to go on Splash Mountain in Disneyland and PapaBear agrees.

The two of them along with me, Sissy, SuperFan, JP, BIL, and XouXou get in line and make our way to the loading dock. Once there Biggie decides that he wants to ride with PapaBear in the "boat."

What this means is that PapaBear, the largest member of our party is in the front of the "boat."

There is a reason that they don't recommend this.

As we get started, Sissy and I are laughing hysterically. Just because.

Then we get to the first drop-off of the ride, which isn't a really big one, but when we get to the pool at the bottom, the weight of PapaBear in the front creates a tsunami of sorts into our "boat."

PapaBear immediately jumps up and starts yelling things that are not suitable for a family establishment. Then he tries to get Sissy and me to trade spots with him. Like we're not in the middle of a ride and about to go down another major drop.

Needless to say, the same thing happened at the bottom of that drop and PapaBear was none too happy about the situation.

We just thank the TTBJ that it was our last ride of the day or there would have been one angry PapaBear walking around Disneyland!

Miscellany Monday

one.

Whiskey Tango

SuperFan, Lynsky, JP and I went to a concert on Friday night. Trent Tomlinson did an acoustic show in Flagstaff. It was a small show and we had a blast! 

We had decided to get a hotel room next to the bar where the show was for safety reasons. After checking in, I'm not so sure staying the night at the HoJo was safer than someone driving after drinking.

two.

How Does Your Garden Grow

The garden is planted!

How awesome is it going to be when we have fresh vegetables?

Yes - very awesome!

three.

Technological Age

XouXou won a Kindle at a work conference recently. However, a couple of years ago she got a Sony e-reader for Christmas. Since no one needs two electronic readers, she let me have the Kindle. 

I will admit that I've only tried to use it for about 45 minutes, but I am having a hard time with not having an actual book in my hand. I am sure that I am going to enjoy the convenience of the e-reader and the ability to buy books virtually anywhere, but I'm not done with books forever.

four.

Good Thoughts

I have kind of a big day on Thursday of this week, so if it occurs to you at 11:30 am Mountain time on Thursday, could you please take a moment to think good thoughts for me?

Thanks in advance!

Herbisms...

Last week Granny B forced my cousins and me to organize a lunch together. It was hell trying to find a day and time that worked, but once it was done, I was so glad that we did!

First of all, I hadn't seen my Texas Cousins in six years - and let me tell you - they have grown up!

Second of all, we had a blast!

They reminded me of some things and inspired this post.

I was lucky enough to grow up with all four of my grandparents alive and near me. I realize now how rare that actually is. As a child, we spent a lot of time with our grandparents, but mostly with Granny B and Popie*. Sissy, YogaHippy*, and I used to have slumber parties at their house all of the time. During these slumber parties we would play church, make up dances, swim, run around the farm, and just generally have a good time.

Some of my favorite memories were on the farm as a child.

Our Popie was great! He would drive us to the store and let us each pick out a candy, or take us to Sav-Mart to buy Snickers for the freezees that Granny B would make us after dinner. He would spend all day sitting on a chair by the pool while we swam - and let me tell you, three elementary aged girls can swim for a number of hours without breaks.

But more than anything, Popie had the greatest sayings.

When we would go to Sav-Mart to get Snickers, we would always get Poore Brother Salt & Vinegar chips too. And undoubtedly, he would say to us, "You're gonna be a fatso like Popie." It makes me laugh just to type it.

Us girls always thought that it was a lot of fun to climb up into the cotton trailers on the farm. However, in our infinite wisdom, we never thought that there was only a ladder on the outside of the trailers - the theory being that once it is full of cotton, you wouldn't need a ladder to get out. Nonetheless, we'd climb up there and get stuck. And Popie would come around and help us get out.

Allegedly, when Match.mom and Xou were younger and they would do things like that he would tell them, "If you can't get down, fall down." But that was never the case with his granddaughters.

If ever you complained about something in front of him, he would say, "If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."

And you never said that you wished for something in front of him without getting, "You can wish in one hand, and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I know that there are more sayings, but I just can't think of them.

For a majority of my high school years, Popie had to have kidney dialysis. For some reason, Granny B would always call on me when she needed help. So there was many a summer day that I would either take him to dialysis or pick him up. I used to hate doing it. But looking back now, I would give anything for one more long car ride with him. To talk about nothing in particular.

When he passed away my freshman year of college, I was devastated. I still remember where I was when Match.mom called me. And that IT took me to see Girl, Interrupted to get my mind off of it. Probably not the best movie choice, but it was the thought that counted.

Sissy and I decided that we would like to write a poem to read at the funeral with YogaHippy. Below is the poem.

I still don't know how we got through it at the funeral without breaking down.

I can't do that today.

For nineteen years he watched us grow,
There wasn't anything he didn't know.
Mr. Arizona he was known to be,
To us, our Popie, more importantly.

He used to take us to the store at Hassayampa,
Just me, and me, and me, and grandpa.
We laughed all the way because he'd drive so slow,
We never thought we'd get where we wanted to go.

What about when we wanted to swim,
We couldn't do it without him.
He'd sit outside and watch us play,
All afternoon, day after day.

Up into the cotton trailers we would climb,
Even though we got stuck every time.
We were far from brave, but we never feared,
We knew it wouldn't be long until his pick-up truck appeared.

Even though we must have been pains,
We never heard our Popie complain.
He picked us up and chauffeured us around,
He wasn't the type to let anyone down.

Now he's with God in Heaven above,
We send him our prayers, we send him our love.
There's one more thing we want him to know,
Popie - We miss you so.

Chopsticks

I almost forgot - Diddy and I had dinner at PJ Fangs the other night and I was sitting with my back to the restaurant. At the beginning of our meal, Diddy pointed out an old couple to me. He had his napkin tucked into his shirt and we decided that true love is not caring that your partner is eating his meal like that.

When the old couple got up to leave, Diddy noticed that the lady was taking her chopsticks with her.

She must have some paint to stir also.

Which reminds me - Xou Xou called today. Granny B had hand surgery this morning and Xou and Match.mom were at her house and opened up a drawer and found the hidden stash of stolen chopsticks.

Hilarious!

Do You Understand the Words Coming Out of My Mouth?

Something about my family that you should know is that we can't let anything go. If we think something is funny, it will be with us for life. (This probably applies mostly to Match.mom and me...) So I've decided to make a list of things that offer timeless hilarity for us.

Hopefully you read the "Thanks Speedy God" post. That was apparently VERY funny to my mom and she brings it up all of the time. I think it was an innocent mistake made by a kid and the lesson to people should be to ennunciate!!

Typically, the Friday after Thanksgiving is spent decorating my grandma's house (we'll call her Baller*). She is a little Italian lady with very strong opinions on everything from my hair to how her house should be decorated for Christmas. So, needless to say, it is usually an entertaining venture to get Match.mom, Xou Xou, Superfan, me, and her into one house to try and get this done. We all have strong personalities (to put it lightly). All goes fairly well, we laugh, we yell, we sing Christmas songs at the top of our lungs, and finally, we get to setting up the Nativity Scene. I am unwrapping the people and animals for the scene and Granny Baller is putting them where she wants them. Two of the kings are already in place, but there isn't room for the third when I pull him out. So I say to Match.mom, "shouldn't we put the three kings of Orientar together." Before I go any further, I know that the song says, "We three kinds of Orient are...," but as a child, and with singers not ennunciating properly, I was sure that the kings were coming from a biblical land that was probably where present day Asia is located...

Below you will find more phrases that have been mispronounced by family or friends that we have not been able to let go.

Donged - ex. It just donged on me that you two are related.

Pig-Style Mess - ex. This room is a pig-style mess.

Mammiogram - ex. It's time for my annual mammiogram to make sure I don't have breast cancer.

Obeast - ex. That 7-year-old is obeast! He weighs 100 pounds!

Photogenic - ex. He has a photogenic memory.