As It Turns Out

Life is really hard.

And 2017 hasn't been my year.

I didn't post about here, but we lost Granny B in June. Even though I know that we can't live forever, living without her has been supremely difficult. She was my fiercest critic and my greatest fan. And I miss her terribly every single day.

And it turns out that no matter how much you want to be the person that someone needs, you can't. I wrote last week about Babe and his struggles with mental health. And this week, despite how much I love him, due to the things that he is going through, he is unable to be in a relationship with me anymore.

I'm devastated.

Completely wrecked.

Incapacitated.

Folks, I don't know how to go on.

I know that I will figure it out, that's what I do. I'll spend a few days in a total depression and then I'll pick it all up and start making plans again.

But in this moment, I want to curl into a ball, crawl into a hole, and stay there forever.

How do you go on when you had plans for a future that is not longer a possibility?

How do you move on from a love that you don't want to live without?

How do you stop crying?

Cue the Hysterical Laughter...

You know how they say, "Make plans, and God laughs at you." Or something to the effect?

Well, I think he's upstairs saying, "Airplane, you're hilarious!"

In my last post, over a year ago, I made mention that I was dating someone. And, surprise! he's still around. I think he's the one. We aren't without our flaws, but somehow we fit perfectly together. 

So, being the Type A planner that I am, I started planning.

In my head (and sometimes out loud) I had a schedule, and for the most part, things were working along on that schedule. 

And then that proverbial rug got pulled out from underneath me. 

What I haven't blogged about (well, besides everything for the last 15 months or so) is that Babe* has some mental health struggles. He's the most amazing man I've ever met, but he struggles with depression and sometimes it gets really bad and he begins to think that the world may be better off without him.

Trust me, it wouldn't be.

But the thing is, he's not alone. In 2015, suicide was the tenth leading cause of death overall in the United States, and there were twice as many suicides than homicides. In fact, men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women. 

But no one is talking about it. If I told you that Babe had cancer, you would be immediately sympathetic to his cause. You would ask what his course of treatment would be. You would want to help. But if I tell you that he is trying to get better in a mental health institution, you would be more likely to change the subject. Or get uncomfortable with the topic. Or judge him.

To be honest, I don't think I fully understood the extent of the issue until I was in it. But, here I am.

I love a man who struggles with mental illness. And while my plan may be in tiny pieces scattered all over town, my love is working to get better, and I am right beside him.