I'm back!
And if anyone wants to buy me a new computer so that I can keep up these posts, I would not say no.
Seriously, my computer got a virus or some such nonsense so I'm in the process of getting all of my files off of it and finding someone (Fiero) to fix it...
In the meantime, I can not wait to tell this story!
This past weekend, Dirty and I headed to Northern California for BigSurprise and Forrest*'s wedding.
Nothing that BigSurprise does is small so we were expecting a grand affair.
And that is what we got!
I think that I may have mentioned before that BigSurprise is Greek. And everything that you saw on My Big Fat Greek Wedding was the truth. Those Greek really know how to party.
I'll give you the story of Saturday's debauchery first and later this week I'll take you back in time to Friday's complete and utter chaos.
Saturday morning I wake up in the hotel room to the sound of leaves being blown against the window tornado-style. It was pouring rain and the wind was blowing everything to hell.
Did I mention that the wedding would be held outside?
Originally the reception was to be held in a tent, however, the ceremony was not. Plans had changed.
With nothing to do until we had to be on a 2:55pm shuttle to the wedding site, Dirty and I decided to take advantage of the wineries in the area.
As we drove north, the rain and wind got progressively worse. At one point I actually voiced to Dirty that I hoped that someone had provided BigSurprise with some downers. She has a tendency to get riled up.
At the first winery that we found open (who doesn't taste wine at 10 am??), a nice young gentleman helped us out and made sure we got the most of our tasting experience. At one point he tried to explain to us what a lingering finish was.
I'm not going to lie you to, we still don't know what it means, but we did agree that there were not many instances in which "lingering" was positive.
A few more glasses of wine and some lunch and we headed back to the show-tel.
Around the time we were supposed to be catching the first shuttle to the wedding location, we were trying to help Janiac get dressed so we didn't make it until the second shuttle.
Once we were off of the shuttle and into the tent where the ceremony would be held, champagne was flowing. I'm not kidding you.
When she was planning her wedding, BigSurprise told me that there would be alcohol available when people got off of the shuttle because, "I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting through a wedding ceremony and thinking, Damn, I could use a drink."
Not wanting to be party poopers, we enjoyed a glass or two of champagne.
This was bad idea number 1.
First of all, it was a logistical nightmare. Once we sat down in the folding chairs, we didn't have anywhere to set the glasses down if we needed to touch up our lipstick, remove our wraps, take pictures, etc.
Luckily, the ceremony only lasted about 12 minutes so we didn't have to worry about it for too long.
Next up, we headed for the reception tent. The decorations were beautiful, blah, blah, blah...
More importantly, there was an open bar. So we switched from champagne to whiskey...
...at 4:30 pm.
This was bad idea number 2.
In true party fashion, they got through the first dances and dinner quickly and got right to the party.
I will tell you quickly that BigSurprise's new husband is a fire fighter so when they came into the reception tent he was wearing his fire gear and they did the first part of their first dance to George Strait's Fireman it was real cute!
Once the music started everyone hit the dance floor and the shitshow began!
BigSurprise and her new MIL aren't really the best of friends. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that their relationship is the stereotypical MIL/DIL relationship.
This woman is probably around the age of 65. She was wearing an old-ladyish dress and before the real dancing even started she was walking around wearing like three neck ties that I can only assume she took off of young gentlemen attending the wedding.
There happened to be one particular gentleman, who apparently works with Forrest. Before the sun went down he was breaking it down on the dance floor. And next thing we knew, he was taking his shirt off. Luckily, he had on a short-sleeved white undershirt.
Then he took that off. Luckily he had on a wife-beater.
Then he took that off.
And all of the sudden, Forrest's mom was wearing the short-sleeved undershirt over her dress.
About three minutes after that, she was riding around the dance floor on the back of the shirtless guy.
From there it was pretty much downhill.
If you've ever been to a wedding you can imagine how the hooking up game began.
And apparently it was successful for someone because I just got a text from BigSurprise that she found undergarments on the dance floor on Sunday morning.
Originally the reception was to be held in a tent, however, the ceremony was not. Plans had changed.
With nothing to do until we had to be on a 2:55pm shuttle to the wedding site, Dirty and I decided to take advantage of the wineries in the area.
As we drove north, the rain and wind got progressively worse. At one point I actually voiced to Dirty that I hoped that someone had provided BigSurprise with some downers. She has a tendency to get riled up.
At the first winery that we found open (who doesn't taste wine at 10 am??), a nice young gentleman helped us out and made sure we got the most of our tasting experience. At one point he tried to explain to us what a lingering finish was.
I'm not going to lie you to, we still don't know what it means, but we did agree that there were not many instances in which "lingering" was positive.
A few more glasses of wine and some lunch and we headed back to the show-tel.
Around the time we were supposed to be catching the first shuttle to the wedding location, we were trying to help Janiac get dressed so we didn't make it until the second shuttle.
Once we were off of the shuttle and into the tent where the ceremony would be held, champagne was flowing. I'm not kidding you.
When she was planning her wedding, BigSurprise told me that there would be alcohol available when people got off of the shuttle because, "I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting through a wedding ceremony and thinking, Damn, I could use a drink."
Not wanting to be party poopers, we enjoyed a glass or two of champagne.
This was bad idea number 1.
First of all, it was a logistical nightmare. Once we sat down in the folding chairs, we didn't have anywhere to set the glasses down if we needed to touch up our lipstick, remove our wraps, take pictures, etc.
Luckily, the ceremony only lasted about 12 minutes so we didn't have to worry about it for too long.
Next up, we headed for the reception tent. The decorations were beautiful, blah, blah, blah...
More importantly, there was an open bar. So we switched from champagne to whiskey...
...at 4:30 pm.
This was bad idea number 2.
In true party fashion, they got through the first dances and dinner quickly and got right to the party.
I will tell you quickly that BigSurprise's new husband is a fire fighter so when they came into the reception tent he was wearing his fire gear and they did the first part of their first dance to George Strait's Fireman it was real cute!
Once the music started everyone hit the dance floor and the shitshow began!
BigSurprise and her new MIL aren't really the best of friends. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that their relationship is the stereotypical MIL/DIL relationship.
This woman is probably around the age of 65. She was wearing an old-ladyish dress and before the real dancing even started she was walking around wearing like three neck ties that I can only assume she took off of young gentlemen attending the wedding.
There happened to be one particular gentleman, who apparently works with Forrest. Before the sun went down he was breaking it down on the dance floor. And next thing we knew, he was taking his shirt off. Luckily, he had on a short-sleeved white undershirt.
Then he took that off. Luckily he had on a wife-beater.
Then he took that off.
And all of the sudden, Forrest's mom was wearing the short-sleeved undershirt over her dress.
About three minutes after that, she was riding around the dance floor on the back of the shirtless guy.
From there it was pretty much downhill.
If you've ever been to a wedding you can imagine how the hooking up game began.
And apparently it was successful for someone because I just got a text from BigSurprise that she found undergarments on the dance floor on Sunday morning.
OMG I need to hear more about this MIL...that is cuh-razyyy!!
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