The Past

I am about to get serious on all of you.

I apologize. 

I was having a conversation with Big T today about a guy who was in high school at relatively the same time as we were. I don't like him. Big T does.

We argue about it a lot.

Finally today I was able to put into words why I don't like him.

It boils down to the fact that he has never been nice to me and has always made me feel bad about myself.

To be fair, I haven't spent a lot of time with him now that we are adults, but I don't really want to.

Let's back up to high school, shall we?

I am a nerd.

Certifiable.

I have never been into fashion (with the exception of shoes).

I have always struggled with my weight.

And I have had some BAD hair.

As I have previously mentioned, Sissy is 13 months older than me. Which means that we were back-to-back in school.

In a small town.

And she is gorgeous.

And she hung out with the popular crowd. 

And she had lots of boyfriends.

And she was thin to my fat.

And crazy to my nerd.

(Don't get me wrong, I did some stupid things. And I broke the rules now and then. But I have always been a fan of rule-following.)

But it was hard to grow up in that shadow. Real or perceived.

I am the nerdy little sister who always wanted to be cool.

And the dudes that hung out with the popular girls made their fat little sisters feel bad about themselves.


All that to say, I don't want to be friends with that guy. Even if he is funny.


But also to say, that at 31 years old, I am happy with the person I am.


I won't lie - there are some really embarrassing school pictures of me out there and I'm pretty sure that if potential boyfriends saw them, they would be scared.


But if I could do it all again, I would probably do it the same (only maybe without the perm and bowl cuts).


I am the strong woman I am because of my past. 


And I don't have time to hang out with people who make me feel bad about myself.


I have insecurities. And sometimes they get the best of me. But I try to spend more time focusing on the things that I am proud of.


And there are a lot of those things.