It's Raining Men...

I must start by apologizing to my dedicated fans (I think there are two of you...). Clearly, I have been a bad blogger and I'm sorry. I could give you excuses, but they wouldn't make a difference. The fact of the matter is I have let my blog fall to the bottom of my priority list and I am going to work to change that.

So, as is typical of my life, things are out of control. I often wonder if other people's lives are as ridiculous as mine. Do other people experience the madness or do I just realize the craziness more than the average joe? Either way, there have been a lot of average joes in my life as of late and I felt it worthy of a post.

To start with I have somewhat been proposed to twice in the last month:

1. Louisiana* (all wrong - no explanation needed)

2. Red Baron* (we're great on paper, we have lots in common (including we both like men))

On top of that, I had the most random conversation ever with another gent. Literally, he was telling me about this problem he has with a girl and said, "I feel about her like I feel about you." WHAT?? Who says that? What does that mean?

I had a strange meal thing. I got a shoulder rub and had an intimate(-ish) moment at dinner.

But at the same time, we can scratch one off of the list. Lanscaper came over to do some yard work and brought a woman with him. (This may actually be a positive since he could only profess his love for me when drunk.)

The problem that I have with all of the above men, is that I can't see a future with any of them. It kind of makes me want to give up...

In another love life, IT Girl had a first date with NKOTB. It seemed to go well, she will probably see him again this week.

I guess for the time being IT and I will have to keep Hangin' Tough.

Mamma Mia - And All That Implies...

I need to start this post with an apology for my obvious lack of posts as of late. I started the new job and have been on the road all week without time to sit down and put something down on (virtual) paper. So, I'm sorry and I hope that you enjoy what follows...



As I mentioned above, I've been on the road this week for work. I am in Denver this week for training. Nothing too exciting happened in the airport and for most of the week things were pretty calm. I am being trained with another employee, Old Man. (Nice enough guy, as old as my parents.) We ate every meal together and by Wednesday morning, we had nothing to talk about (very awkward).



We did have an interesting dinner on Thursday night. We went to Olive Garden, which shouldn't have been too eventful. We were seated in a back room with the most ridiculous diners I've ever been around. At the table immediately next to us were Star Trek Girl (STG) and her friend Naivete. When we arrived these girls each had two bowls of pasta in front of them and there was a pitcher of sangria that was almost empty. They had ridiculous, loud, drunken conversations for the majority of our meal. However, the most ridiculous conversation that they had was about gay clubs.



STG: I can't believe you've never been to a gay club. We need to go to one.

Naivete: Yeah, that would be so much fun. When can we go?

STG: Ooh, I know, we'll go to (insert name of club here) on a Thursday. That is drag-queen, ABBA night.

Naivete: Oh yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun.

STG (to the ridiculous waiter): Can you believe she's never been to a gay club?

Waiter: Really? I haven't either.

STG: Yeah, but it's weird for her.



Why is it weird for her you ask? Perhaps because she is a lesbian? No. Apparently it's weird because she's a ballroom dancer.



This would have been enough to make a dinner complete, but because it is my life, there is more. The other table in our little room held a family with five children (the oldest was probably 14 and the youngest was close to 4). This was WT Dad meets East Valley Soccer Mom - it was the weirdest couple I've ever seen. WT Dad was wearing a San Diego Chargers Jersey and swim trunks that did not even come close to matching. They were clearly on their second marriage and four of the children were hers, but the youngest boy was his. This child was the most misbehaved child I have ever seen. He screamed for part of the dinner and his dad yelled at him for the other half. He wouldn't sit still, he was crawling on the floor, and more than once his father took him out to the car. I don't know what happened in the car, but clearly it didn't work. I wanted to beat the child on my own. It was probably one of the worst dining experiences that I've ever had.

I Am Pleased to Announce the Marriage of Me to...Myself...

The last three years of my life have been pretty full of weddings. I have been the Maid of Honor in three and a bridesmaid in another (don't worry, I'm already committed to another in 2008). In addition to that, I have been invited to a number of others. Seriously, it has been a little out of control. Friends actually joke about it (I got an email from Seaman* today that said, "any weddings for you this week or are you taking some time off?"). I may actually be the poster child for "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride."

So I finally got done with weddings for 2007 (or at least I'm crossing my fingers that I'm done), and I have entered Baby Season.

I obviously knew that a lot of my friends were pregnant, but I guess I didn't realize that they were all going to have the babies at the same time. I was on the phone with Big T* today discussing my insurance coverage (in addition to being my pseudo big brother, he is my insurance agent), and I said something about Mrs. T* being due to have their first child soon. He alerted me that it would actually be this Saturday. Yes, he is taking Mrs. T into the hospital late tomorrow night to get prepped and they are going to induce her labor. They will most likely have Baby Boy T* sometime on Saturday. Literally, while I was on the phone with T, I got a text message from another friend that she will be induced on Sept. 11, her 27th birthday. WHAT??? How could two of my friends be discussing labor induction at the same time??? I know what you are thinking, "two babies, that's not so crazy." Well, don't think that is the end of this baby discussion - oh no. I am scheduled to attend a baby shower on Saturday for The Great White Hope* (one of my MOH stints), and sometime in the next 3 weeks, my friend Cattle Judge* will be delivering her baby girl. Do you know how many presents that adds up to???

Which led me to the conclusion that someone should be celebrating me! Seriously, why don't I get gifts for being an independent woman? For not rushing into a union that statistics show is doomed to failure? For not overpopulating the world? Someone needs to throw me a party for paying my taxes (with no breaks, because apparently the government hates single women) and buying numerous gifts for friends' babies and weddings. So like Carrie Bradshaw in SATC I think that I will announce my marriage to myself and register for a bunch of gifts that I want!

For those of you out there who have been on the receiving end of my generosity, please Save The Date - we will soon gather at a joyous occasion to celebrate a love based on giving and receiving. My invitation will be out soon and just thank your lucky stars that I don't wear Manolo Blahnik shoes...

Adventures in Dining...

Yesterday morning I went to Wildflower Bread Company to take advantage of their free wireless and enjoy a nice cup of coffee. So I'm sitting there, quietly minding my own business when "The Hulk*" approaches me. The following conversation ensues:

The Hulk: Excuse me, do you know how I can send an email?
Me: (Is he kidding me?) Well, you'll need to open an Internet explorer and sign in and that will get you on the Internet.
The Hulk: (Actually now almost sitting in my booth) Yeah, I got on the Internet, but I don't know how to send an email.
Me: I'm not sure I know how to help you.

He stood there for another 30 seconds looking at my computer screen, which I'm sure wasn't that interesting. Then he took his Coke and his too tight tank-top and headed back to his own seat. Seriously, do I look like the IT Department? What about me says, "computer nerd"? (To be fair, IT Girl doesn't look like a computer nerd either. Of course, I wouldn't approach her in a coffee shop to learn how to send an email.)

The bonus of this particular trip to Wildflower was that it was overflowing with very good looking fighter pilots. I was in heaven!

So today, I head into town for a lunch meeting. I arrive at the restaurant at the agreed upon time and get a table. It takes a while for the waiter to come to my table, but he finally comes and takes my drink order. After fifteen minutes of the other people not showing up, the waiter comes over and says, "Ok, if they don't show up, I'll sit down and have lunch with you." Turns out there was some miscommunication and the other people aren't going to make it to the meeting. So I decide to order. After I place my order, he comes back over and asks me what my meeting was for. So I explain it to him, no big deal. He starts to tell me about his private high school experience in Cleveland. (It was a really strange connection to my actual explanation, but whatever.) Once I finish eating my lunch he comes back over and we have the following conversation:

Waiter: I'm a drug rep on the side and it's always fun to joke with the doctors like that.
Me: Yeah?
Waiter: Yeah, doctors hate drug reps because most of them don't know what they are talking about, but I have a degree in Molecular and Cellular Biology, so I understand what they are talking about.
Me: Wow.
Waiter: I'm actually working on my fourth degree right now. I'm at Thunderbird School of International Management.
Me: Very cool.

Really?? Do I look like I want to know your life story? What about my side of this conversation makes you think I was interested in what you were saying?

Perhaps I should stop dining alone...

A Farmer's Market and A Crayon Map...

Days 2 and 3 of my Boston extravaganza went by in a whirlwind of adventure!

We had already decided that Saturday would be our "Day at the Cape." With an immense desire to summer there (and a fantasy of finding Cape Cod League ball players), we knew this was going to be a VERY important part of our vacation!

The original plan was to get up early to beat traffic out to the Cape, but our shenanigans on Friday night did not lend themselves to an alarm wake-up. So we slept to our little hearts desires (or until the sound of the jackhammering downstairs woke us up.) As IT Girl made us some delicious breakfast sandwiches we discussed the best ways to make delicious coffee and looked up the directions to our destination. We packed my "Virginia is for Lovers" bag (don't ask) with snacks and all of the reading material and music that we could possibly need if traffic
became a problem. We were on our way.

According to Captain Chowdah*, a friend of IT Girl's, the best clam chowder on the Cape was to be found at Captain Parker's Pub (http://www.captainparkers.com/) in West Yarmouth. So this was to be our first destination.


(We made our way to the pub despite the obvious lack of signage in the state of Massachusetts.) The chowder was excellent and on a whim, I grabbed a crayon map on the way out.

**For those of you who are not familiar with the crayon map concept, these are cartoon-like maps that are common in tourist areas and focus on local businesses.

The crayon map proved to be a most helpful resource as it guided us to Hyannis and the JFK Memorial. (Clearly IT and I were not boy scouts, as it was at this location that the camera ran out of battery and we were not able to capture the beauty that we saw - or the house that we will summer in.) After a short jaunt around the beach and a quick look at some beautiful Cape houses, we made our way to Main Street for some award-winning homemade ice cream. (Katie's Homemade Ice Cream on 570 Main St, Hyannis MA - if you are looking for it, it is across the street from the amusement park). We enjoyed our ice cream while browsing the shops, but didn't find anything to bring home with us. We got in the map and decided to drive through Hyannis Port on the way home, which posed a small problem as the map ended before our location materialized. Slightly lost on Craigville Beach, we saw a woman wearing nothing but the largest bra on the planet and cotton shorts - it was rather traumatizing! This was our cue to head home, but without a map of where we were, we headed in the direction we thought was north (Piper* the Prius did not come with a compass). As luck would have it, we were right and we made it back to the MidCape Highway and towards Boston.

The day wore us out more than we were expecting and we knew that we had to be up early the next day so we headed home for a relaxing night in. Popcorn, movies, and wine would round out our day. Even though our first choice was missing from Blockbuster, we managed to entertain ourselves with two of the most random movies we could find.

Our Sunday started very early so we could make it to our Duck Tour on time. A delicious breakfast and a quick stop at Starbucks and we were on our way to the Prudential Center. Our Duck Tour was awesome and I was even the Captain for a while. We headed down to Newbury Street for some brunch and shopping then continued to walk around Boston for a while before heading home.

After a short nap and another couple of movies we set out to make a dinner from our Farmer's Market goods.


There are not words to describe the deliciousness of this meal. Seriously, we are wonderful cooks and I still contend that we should have a travel/cooking show that can showcase our abilities - we will call it "A Farmer's Market and A Crayon Map." (Anyone have a connection at the Food or Travel Network?)

Kickballers Do It For 45 Minutes...

Day 1 in Boston turned into a wholly entertaining extravaganza!

To begin the day we walked across the street to the ATM to grab some cash. In the ATM vestibule we encountered a group of teenage boys who seemed to be in line to get cash. This turned out not to be the case, they were actually just staring at the girl who was, at that moment, conducting bank business. A little frightening if you are the girl, but IT Girl* and I continued on our eventful journey.

Our first stop was to be the Sam Adams Brewery. (I could go into all of the history here, but that would ruin your trip there...) Suffice it to say that the highlight was meeting "Chester Copperpot."

The tour was neat and the most interesting fact that we learned was that the Boston brewery is only an R&D location and most of the beer that you buy in the store is actually brewed in Cincinnati. However, as you can imagine, the best part of the tour was the "tasting room." Apparently, the state of Massachusetts believes that we can only handle 3 7-oz. glasses of free beer. This probably was a blessing in disguise as IT Girl and I hadn't yet eaten and we were significantly buzzed following glass #2. This is also where the fun began...

Those of you who know me, know that I will talk to anyone. IT Girl is exactly the same, maybe even more outgoing. So there we are, getting wasted at 3 pm and making friends. While learning about "grains of paradise," we also made friends with some dudes from Baltimore and a cute couple from Arkansas. We were the hit of the tasting room and everyone wanted to know us. Sadly, the tasting ended and we were on our way again.

At the train station, we are innocently standing on the platform when four Pittsburghers approach us. They remembered us from the brewery tour and wanted to be our friends. Apparently, they were in town to play softball and were spending their free time getting drunk and chewing tobacco. We will fondly remember these gentlemen as:

• County Jailer*: This was the loudest of the four and he left the tasting room repeatedly to answer his cell phone (no one is that important...). Turns out he doesn't even like Sam Adams. While standing on the platform, he goes into some diatribe about how his ex-MIL got some threatening letter from a guy in the county jail and he had to call so-and-so to take care of it. WHAT??
• Goose 2*: The friendliest of the four. Goose 2 was a large fellow - picture Santa, 20 years younger, owning a bar... Got it?
• Ginger Hair*: He was the quietest of the group, but also the most attractive. He spent his time on the train platform text messaging.
• Small Old Jewish Waterboy*: One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong... Seriously, where did this guy come from? He was wearing a lavender polo shirt that I'm pretty sure was made in 1986.

We all get on the train together, but IT Girl and I find seats and commence enjoying our T ride. The Pittsburgh Four got off of the train before we did, we thought nothing of it. We take the train to Haymarket so that we can go to the North End (Little Italy) for some lunch/dinner - linner if you will. On our way from the T station to the restaurants, we encounter a Farmer's Market, which had some of the best and some of the worst looking produce I've ever seen. We will be creating a delicious dinner with the goods that we procured on Sunday.

We made our way up to the restaurant that we were hoping to eat at, only to find that it didn't open for another 30 minutes. Too hungry/drunk to wait, we proceeded down the street to an Italian cafeteria. We ordered two subs and I contend that it was one of the best meals I've ever had! Turns out we really only needed one sub, but we wrapped the remaining halves up to have for leftovers. The next plan was to head to Modern Pastry for cannolis and a cupcake.

After dessert, which was only the cannolis (we'll save the cupcake for later), we headed to Faneuil Hall to see some sights. The first sights we saw were hot cops. Seriously, the hottest cops I've ever seen are stationed in this area of Boston. There wasn't an ugly one in sight (this will not be the case near Fenway...) IT Girl is just explaining to me that the Cheers that we are about to pass is not the original, but the one created to look like the TV set, when we look over and see the Pittsburgh Pirates, our friends from the train station. Random, right? They try to take our leftovers, we bid them farewell.

We headed back to the T station to buy some Boston T-shirts for the game and head home. Back on the T, we are enjoying our ride when the staff of the World Adult Kickball Association (http://www.kickball.com/ - if you are interested in joining) boards our car. Yes, you read that right, the World Adult Kickball Association - WAKA for short. Apparently, Labor Day weekend is the annual Founders Cup World Kickball Championship - who knew? In this year's tournament you will find such teams as "John Stamos is Our Dad" and "Balls of Glory." Mike Meyers circa Wayne's World was one of these staff members and he apparently was fascinated with us, because he could not stop staring.

Off the train we go at the Kenmore station. We are accosted by scalpers and fans who are anxious to buy tickets to the Sox game. We procede on to the apartment to change our clothes and have a few beers before heading to Fenway.

Once we get to the Park we purchase a couple of beers ($7 - OUTRAGEOUS!) and head up to our seats. We get to what is supposedly our row and there are people in our seats. The guys in front of our seats tell us to just sit down - everyone seems to be in the wrong seat. So we sit in front of these dudes and start chatting. They are clearly not from Boston, so we ask them where they are from - Milwaukee. Why are they here? To play softball. The coincendence does not escape us. A large group comes to take their seats and we are forced to move. At this point we realize we are actually in the wrong section and the people we thought were in our seats actually weren't. After realizing that it would be much too difficult to get to our actual seats, we decide to just move over one section and sit in seats that are currently empty. This apparently is the norm at Fenway as we see numerous people do it. Two men trying to prove their masculinity to the women with them actually almost fought about this. Two moves later we find our real seats and find a friendly father/son duo as our neighbors. Here the fun begins...

Musician son* and Lawyer dad* are from Littleton, CO - the current location of IT Girl's home and my employer. We chat it up about CO for a while and then begin to talk about Boston. Musician, who looks like he belongs on the set of Entourage, has been accepted to the Berklee School of Music and will be starting on Tuesday. Lawyer, type A sports fanatic, is clearly not ready to let his baby boy go. Musician proceeds to talk to IT Girl and I about all things under the sun, including, but not limited to: Drop Dead Gorgeous, the flavor-lasting capacity of Stride gum, pogs, and the Geico cavemen. There are a number of men in the next section over who try numerous times to unsuccessfully start the wave. The wave finally gets started and begins to go around the Park at least 4 times - we believe it's a record. We can not find anything to dispute this fact. When the 7th inning stretch rolls around and they do not play "Sweet Caroline," our musician friend gets very sad. He literally says to us, "If I were a cloud, I would be raining depression." Don't worry though, the song came on in the middle of the 8th and all was right in the world again.

Some other highlights from the game include: Miss Boston*, a 50-ish woman who apparently knew everyone in the stands; and her friend, Stevie Nicks*, who spent the better part of the game standing up and swaying back and forth. The family next to us with two small children who ran up and down the stairs - at one point, the mother of these children yelled at the daughter, "Give me the fingah. Give me the fingah right now." (She was in fact referring to the giant foam finger that she had purchased for her child and not asking for an inappropriate hand gesture.) A streaker who ran across the field around the 8th inning and was literally tackled and held down by the security guards. Some very good-looking dads and a number of ginger hairs for IT Girl to fawn over. In the 9th inning the Sox had a near comeback that got everyone on their feet and had 10 year-olds doing pelvic thrusts. After a disappointing loss, we left the field and decided that Boston has the hottest fans in major league baseball.

Of course we couldn't just go home after the game, so we went into the first bar we came across and proceeded to people watch. We were attacked walking in the door by 40 year old men trying to sell beer for the beer girl. We then went downstairs where we were attacked by a drunk 16 year old who was enamored by IT Girl. While we were watching the Diamonbacks lose it altogether, we noticed 3 dudes at the bar who looked like the only way they could be having less fun would be for us to put hot sticks in their eyes. But it wasn't long before they found something to entertain them...3 cougars! These women were out of control, dancing all over the place with their gold purses and business shirts. At one point the tall one actually sat on the bar and kicked her leg up into the air. INAPPROPRIATE! After watching a series of white men try to dance and fight, we decided it was time to head home. On the way out there was a total WASP-y guy singing Nappy Roots and another guy who was literally asleep on a bar stool while his girlfriend tried to talk to him.

The walk home was uneventful considering the rest of the day, but we did encounter a bum who yelled, "I'm not killing anyone." To which I will reply, "Shut up, and give me the fingah!"