Wednesday, October 17, 2012

One's Drinkin', One's Smokin', One's Takin' Pills

Oh, wait, no - that's just me doing all of those things.

Well, I'm not smoking.


The good news, friends, is that I shut the debate talk down early this morning. She tried to bring it up a couple more times in her classically passive aggressive way, but I ignored her and she stopped talking.

I know it sounds rude, but trust me, the words that would have come out of my mouth had she started spouting CNN's talking points would have been MUCH more rude!

After today, I am wholly convinced that the entire state of Vermont (and much of New Hampshire) are made of sugar. I'm serious, I may not be able to recap parts of this day because I was in the back of the bus in a diabetic coma.

Last night before we got off of the bus, our tour guide made sure that we were aware that they would be serving Grade A Fancy Vermont Maple Syrup at breakfast and we should make it a point to eat the pancakes so we could have it.

Well, I don't eat pancakes, but he went on and on so I couldn't not get the syrup.

So I dipped my sausage links in it. They make maple sausage, right? Same difference.

(That was sugar #1)

Our first stop was in Weston, VT at the Vermont Country Store (this will shock some of you, but Granny B gets their catalog). All throughout the store she was trying to buy me things. I have developed a system in which I just keep walking when she wants to start buying. She keeps moving so that she doesn't get lost, and we avoid frivolous purchases.

Either way, at the store (at 8:30am) there were lots of samples of their products. We sampled lots of delicious cheese (aged horseradish cheddar? Be still my beating heart), more fudge than I care to admit, and the most delicious maple cheesecake mix.

(That was sugar #2)

When we boarded the bus at the store, the little shopkeeper got on the bus and handed our tour guide a bag full of hard candy. It included maple candies and butterscotch. So he went through the bus and gave everyone a couple of candies.

(Sugar #3)

At this point, I thought I would die. I eat sugar so rarely that my body was beginning to go into shock.

Next stop was Plymouth Notch, VT, the birthplace of President Calvin Coolidge. This is a State Historic Site and they have basically preserved the town to look like what it looked like when he was born there. And there is a working Cheese Factory in town. On the way there, we watched a video about Calvin Coolidge and the place we were going. Then the tour guide talked a lot about Calvin Coolidge.

At this stop I knew there would be a lot of walking and so I suggested that she and I stay on the bus. She insisted that we get out. We argued a little and then she won. So we walk about a block, through the general store, back onto the street, and she decides that she doesn't want to walk to one block to the cheese factory. I suggest we go back into the visitors center so she can sit down until the bus comes again.

As we are walking, the following conversation takes place:

Granny B: What was this place all about?
Me: The birthplace of Calvin Coolidge.
Granny B: So what was the purpose of stopping here?
Me: He was the 30th President of the United States.
Granny B: Yeah I know.
Me: Well, that's kind of significant.

What I wanted to say was, "We can't just visit sites that are significant to Democrats. This isn't a partisan tour."

"Oh, and by the way, I told you to stay on the F*&%ING bus!"

Back on the bus, we headed to Woodstock, VT. A very cute little town. This is where we had lunch. We got to town a little early and the restaurant wasn't open so our tour guide took some of the group down to the river to get a good picture of a covered bridge. She didn't want to walk that far so she sat on the bench while I ran down there. When I got back to the bench to get her to head to the restaurant, she was missing. I look over and she is in the little common across the street picking up leaves.

I get her situated and to the restaurant. She says she needs to use the restroom, so we inquire as to where it is, and it turns out there are about 15 stairs that you would have to take to get there. But they let us know that the Visitors Center across the street has bathrooms and minimal stairs.

We finish our lunch and head to the Visitors Center - on the way there she sees a store in the basement of a building on the corner. There is a shirt hanging outside the store and she stops and starts talking about how cute it is and how cute it would be on me.

I say to her, "We aren't going in there. You couldn't even walk up the stairs to the bathroom."

While we were waiting for the bus, we stepped into this little store that made me want to light a match, but the point of the story is, Granny B decided to purchase six champagne flutes (to use at Christmas. Where there are typically in the range of 15-20 people in attendance.) So the sales clerk asks her name for the shipping information and she tells her her name. The woman then asks, "Oh, do people ever call you Karma?" (Which was a really stupid question, but that doesn't matter.) I answered under my breath, "No, but they call her the synonym for it all of the time."

At one point when we were back on the bus, she wrote me a note and passed it over to me. I am not kidding you guys. We are sitting right next to each other on the bus - like literally touching all day long, and she passes me a note.

It says, "I can smell liquor on the bus. Is it just me?"

It definitely was just her, I didn't smell any liquor, because I would have sniffed it out and helped myself!

On each side of the bus next to the seat at the window are a bunch of green bags. They are meant to be used for trash as we drive and then at the end of the day you can pull the bag off and take it to the big trash bag in the front of the bus. About five minutes into today's ride I look over to see her pulling a bunch of empty bags off and putting them in her purse.

What is with this woman and her bags?

My cousin is town from Washington and she was scheduling a time to see Granny B when we get back through me. They decided on Saturday morning breakfast. At one stop she was buying some pictures and I was trying to get her to ship them home. She assured me that she had room in her suitcase to carry them back and said that would give me a reason to come to her house. Then she suggests I come for breakfast on Saturday, literally 12 hours after I leave her.

Fortunately for me, I have a golf tournament to play in on Saturday morning and will be unable to make it because I think it is going to be at least a week before I'm ready for this crazy train again!

The only other place we stopped today worth mentioning was at the base of Mount Washington, with the Mount Washington resort in the foreground. This resort was the site of the Bretton Woods conference in 1944 where 44 countries got together and established regulations for the international monetary system following the war.

What an amazing view! I want to stay at the resort someday!


  1. The Vermont Country Store is an absolute gem. When we went there it took me back to my childhood...a special place. Besides they had "Blackjack" and "Clove" gum on sell there.

  2. Having problems posting so hopefully I didn't just post 5 comments...

    Your stories are cracking me up! Funny how we both just spend our "vacations" drinking, smoking and taking pills. I was even asked if I was a smoker and told my voice was sexy when I had lost it. I replied, no, just 10 days of second-hand cigar smoke, exhaust and gas fumes.

    Sounds like great memories with Nonie!