Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A True Story

As you may remember, BodyBuilder and Jodus were in town this weekend for some Spring Training fun.

On Saturday night, after a day of baseball, and a heartbreaking basketball game, we headed out for a night on the town. After dinner, BodyBuilder headed back to the hotel with her baby and Jodus and I thought we would spend some time enjoying the nightlife.

So, we headed up to a piano bar to see what was going on there. It was still a little early in the night, but there had been a hockey game in the same area so there were quite a few people out.

When we got to the bar, it seemed that all of the tables were full, but as we were walking by one of the bars, two people got up to leave so we took their seat.

About three minutes after sitting down, a man comes up and sits in his chair next to me. Then turns to me and says, You took my friends seats - that means you have to be my friend.

Not trying to be a jerk, I went ahead and started talking to him. Right away I noticed two things - he had a full sleeve tattoo on his left arm and he had both ears pierced. Things are not looking good.

So he starts talking to me. Tells me I smell good. (That's a nice compliment.)

Then he asks me where I live - I give him the name of my town, about 20 minutes from where we are currently sitting. He says, That's too far for me to drive. 

Excuse me? You aren't driving there - you have not been invited.

Somehow we get around to him telling me that he's a vegetarian.

Now friends, I am willing to excuse a lot of flaws... ASU fan? I can handle that. Democrat? I may be able to live with. 

Vegetarian? Absolutely not. My family will string you up and eat YOU for dinner.

Oh, and to add to the shady he tells me that his profession is an online educator...

...for Kindergarten through 5th grade.

What kindergardener is taking online classes, seriously?

That just sounds like a logistical nightmare to me.

At this point he asks me to come outside with him. He is going to smoke (another non-negotiable) and he wants me to join him. I inform him that I am not a smoker and he goes outside. 

At this point Jodus and I are finishing our drinks and are going to head out and then he comes back. My phone rings with a call from someone who rarely calls, so I step outside to answer it. When I return he is sitting next to Jodus so I sit down in his chair and he turns to me and says, (and I really wish that I was making this up) I am obsessed with your smell. Seriously, I was talking to your friend and you walked up and I could smell you and I just couldn't pay attention to her anymore.

At this point, I'm a little freaked out.

Then it gets worse. 

He tells me that the real reason that he wanted me to come smoke with him earlier is because he wanted to see my body, but since I got up to answer the phone, he saw all he needed too and my body was as hot as my face.

Dude, now I know you're lying.

Then he proceeds to tell me that we need to find Jodus a man - and in order to do so, we are going to have to act like a couple. You know, so I don't pick up all of the men.

Then he tells me that he is going to run to the bathroom and he'll be right back.

As soon as he was out of sight, I grabbed Jodus and we got the heck out of Dodge.

I mean really, does that line really work on anyone? We need to pretend we are a couple in order to find your friend a man? 


  1. You need to not worry about being polite right off the bat. Avoid these creepers at all costs!

  2. That scares the sh*t out of creeper!!