Speaking of Halloween

I got an email the other day from a friend who was talking about what she was going to do with her girlos for Halloween.

And it got me to thinking about Halloween when we were kids.

We lived in a small town. And we didn't even live in the "town" portion of that town. We lived out in the sticks. So each year when Halloween rolled around, my mom and aunts would load all of us kids up into the station wagon and drive from house to house of people we knew.

I'm telling you, we were like a clown car of trick-or-treaters. We would pull up to a house and doors would open and kids would be falling out everywhere.

One of the station wagons had those seats in the back that folded up (do they still make those?). The bummer about that was that if you were in the back, you had to wait for someone to come and open the door, so the kids who were sitting in the back seat always got to the door of whichever house you were at first.

And if you were us girls, you were hyper competitive.

Granny B and Popie lived down a mile long dirt road so we were pretty much the only trick-or-treaters they got. So every year, Granny B would buy us each our own bag of Hershey's Miniatures. (Now all of the sudden I'm craving a Mr. Goodbar.)

One year, the girls in the back of the station wagon decided that we had enough of the other kids getting to the door before us so we devised a plan. At the house before Granny B's, we "closed" the back door ourselves. We didn't let it latch, and we held the door closed the entire way to her house. In hindsight, that was a super bad idea and someone could have been seriously injured; but at the time, it was worth whatever the potential consequence was to get to the door at Granny B's house first.

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor!

On Saturday night, I went over to Glinda and Fiero's for their annual Halloween party - costumes required!

I'm typically not big on costumes. Not that I don't like them, I just don't typically think of them enough ahead of time to get all of the pieces at a reasonable price. And I'm not very crafty, so I end up with something boring.

Though, two years ago, at the last minute, I made a white sash with black writing that said, "Understood." I wore an old bridesmaid dress and a tiara with the sash, and I got second place in the costume contest.

This year, Glinda and I were shopping at Charming Charlie's sometime in the summer and we found a headband with a little hat thing. And right then and there, I decided that I would be Effie Trinket for Halloween.

I did procrastinate a little more than I should have, but it all came together nicely.

This was my inspiration:

This was my costume:

McKayla Maroney (Glinda) is not impressed with Effie Trinket...

I won the contest this year!

As Soon as You Tell Me I Can't Have Something, It's All I Can Think About...

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few things to make dinner for Match and Papa. The grocery store is a Fry's Marketplace so in addition to groceries, it has household stuff like furniture as well as a garden section. Out by the garden section there are a number of patio tables and chairs set up.

At one of the tables were three couples. If I had to guess, I would say they lived in the nearby age-restricted community. So they came to the grocery store, bought some coffee at the kiosk and walked over to the garden section to enjoy it.

That's the life.

My grandpa, H, has diabetes. But he's not your typical diabetic, he is active. Always working outside and building something. He checks his blood sugar and regulates it pretty well, but he still enjoys the occasional baked good (who doesn't, right?).

Sometimes when I go to this same grocery store, I will find him sitting on the couches next to the coffee shop, eating a donut and watching Fox News. Then he will get up and walk around the store, finding good deals and buying enough to share with his children that live nearby.

From there he will head home and prepare the food before driving around from house to house, delivering the food.

And let me tell you, he can cook!

A couple of years ago, Diddy was on Fox News to talk about border security and H saw it. He was so proud of Diddy that wanted to get him a gift. So he bought him meat, cheese, red wine, and french bread. But he had to drive all the way to Bashas', which is in the next city over, because that's where they make the good bread.

For some crazy reason, I signed up for a 30-day Sugar Detox with some girls at the gym. I don't really eat much sugar on a regular basis, but on this particular detox you can't have any fruit, dairy, or alcohol either. 

Again, not really things I consume on a regular basis, but the minute I'm not allowed to have them, they are everywhere! Tomorrow marks one full week we've been doing it. The penalty for cheating is 75 burpees and since I've told you all how I feel about burpees you can imagine that I will not be cheating! 

Taking Care of Business

I forgot to tell you all one thing from the trip that still makes me laugh.

The morning that we were leaving the headline of the USA Today was that the Tigers swept the Yankees. And Granny B was enthralled with it. She kept saying how she couldn't believe it.

I commented that I wasn't surprised because Derek Jeter broke his ankle and he was carrying the team.

Granny B's response, "What was he? Their quarterback?"

***

It was back to interval training at CrossFit this morning. Only we bumped up from 6x400m to 4x800m. 

I was not thrilled to read the workout last night. Women were taking off every 5 minutes. And it would be a total of 2 miles when we were finished.

Before we got started, our coach told us to take it easy, one of the competitors at the gym did this workout last week and tanked in the final two runs because he went too hard on the first two.

My goal was to not be the slowest.

I finished with a 3:57, 3:56, 3:58, and 3:58.

You guys, that means, I am basically holding an eight-minute mile for two miles!

I can hardly contain my excitement!

Vacation Pictures

Here are the pictures from vacation!

Enjoy!

Paul Revere statue - in the background you can kind of see the Old North Church. This was where they hung the lanterns during his midnight ride - "One if by Land. Two if by Sea." It is commonly believed that what he yelled during his ride was, "The British are coming!" However, during this time, everyone considered themselves British, and what he actually said was, "The Regulars are coming!"

Captain John Parker at the Lexington Battlefield. He is credited with telling his troops, "Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here." This was the "shot heard 'round the world."

Here I am posing with a Minute Man at the Old North Bridge in Concord. This bridge was where the Rebel forces stopped the Regulars and sent them back to Boston.

This church on Martha's Vineyard is made of all wood with no nails or screws - all tongue and groove and pegs. Those columns in the front are all pine boards!

It was cold and windy on Martha's Vineyard! But I got Granny B to take a picture with me!

Gingerbread House at the Methodist Camp. These houses were crazy and they were built on the sites where the original tents stood, so they are very narrow.

Ahh - the Breakers! This was the home of the Vanderbilt's. It was amazing inside, but I would trade it all for the kitchen!

I had to find this picture online because we weren't allowed to take pictures inside, but you get the idea. I'm in love!

Mystic Seaport. This is the Mystic River we are looking at - of movie fame. And in town was Mystic Pizza - of Julia Roberts fame.

Norman Rockwell's studio.

Me. In what IT says is my Ralph Lauren ad.

Talked her into another picture, but she got distracted...

The colors at the Bennington Battle Monument.

Yellow tree at Plymouth Notch.

Red tree at Plymouth Notch.

Mount Washington Resort. 

Me on the coast of Portland, Maine. What a beautiful place!

The lighthouse on Cape Elizabeth.

The Cape Elizabeth Lighthouse from the water.

Walker Point in Kennebunkport, Maine. This is also known as "the Bush Compound."

Maine lobster dinner!

The End of the Road

When we started this trip, the tour guide said that it would go by quickly.

I didn't believe him.

But here I sit, the last night on the tour, and I can't believe that it has been 7 days. Tomorrow is just a travel day. Sounds simple enough, I'm sure it will be anything but.

I've heard people give couples in the early stages of their relationship the advice to go on a long road trip together and I think I have figured out why.

When you spend this much time with someone, the little things they do that you rarely notice on a regular basis, will suddenly make you want to rip your eyelashes out one at a time.

I'm not kidding you.

So I guess it is best to figure those things out early.

For the sake of your eyes.

This morning we had the most amazing breakfast ever. Well maybe just the most amazing on this trip.

When you can't eat gluten breakfast options at buffets are often difficult. I can not eat those powered scrambled eggs - there isn't enough hot sauce on the planet that makes those food. So typically I'm eating sausage, bacon, and fruit. It doesn't bother me, but people did start looking at me funny.

This morning we walked into breakfast and angels starting singing because there was a guy there making custom omelets. I almost cried - and I'm not even being dramatic.

Both Match and I reminded Granny B that I can not eat gluten before we left on this trip. And I have had to remind her every single day. Yesterday, at the Vermont Country Store she wanted me to try some dip thing. I said, I can't have that. She said "Oh, one won't hurt you."

This morning, she is eating a piece of sweet bread and she points to it and says to me, "This is poppyseed." I agreed and she asked if I wanted to taste it. I reminded her that I can't have that. She said, "You are very disciplined."

While I will take that compliment, the fact of the matter is, there is no lemon poppyseed bread that is worth the consequences of eating it.

Trust me.

There are things that might be worth it. That is not it.

From our hotel in North Conway, we headed into Maine. It was beautiful. The first stop was at the Visitor Center for a bathroom break. Right before we pulled up, Diddy called, so I figured I would step off the bus when we got there and call him back. As we parked, I asked her, "Do you need to use the bathroom?" She said no. So I told her that I was going to step off the bus to make a phone call. She said that was fine. Then as people are getting up and I am standing in the aisle waiting for them to get out (like 45 seconds since our convo ended), she says, "What is everyone doing?" I tell her that they are getting off to use the bathroom. Suddenly, she has to go too.

Some of our scheduling wasn't working out correctly so we took an unplanned trip to the Portland Head Light - which is a lighthouse on Cape Elizabeth. I was ready to move there and be the Lighthouse Keeper. Unfortunately they automated it in 1989. Bummer.

(I posted a picture of the lighthouse on Instagram with the caption, "We are having a Brazzle Dazzle Day!" And then told my followers that if they got that reference we would be friends forever. Do any of you get the reference?)

Then it was off to downtown Portland for lunch and some shopping. As I have mentioned, Granny B loves to shop, but she is tired from this trip so I try to find the place that will take the longest to eat lunch so that we will run out of time and not be able to shop. I was unsuccessful at this stop, but luckily found an ice cream shop that could keep her busy. She got another hot fudge sundae.

From there we got on a boat and did the tour of Portland from the water. Another super fun adventure, but it was freaking cold out there!

After that we did a driving tour through Kennebunkport, Maine and then drove up past Walker Point (aka the Bush Compound). It was ah-mahzing! Granny B did not appreciate it. After a little bit of shopping downtown, we headed back to the hotel where she turned on MSNBC and I turned on my headphones.

Then she tried to engage me in a political discussion about Medicare. I told her we would not be talking about it. She started yelling. I gave her a few facts. She brought up some nonsense and I said, "I am turning my music back on. We will not be talking about this again."

And I thought we were going to make it the whole trip...

One's Drinkin', One's Smokin', One's Takin' Pills

Oh, wait, no - that's just me doing all of those things.

Well, I'm not smoking.

Yet.

The good news, friends, is that I shut the debate talk down early this morning. She tried to bring it up a couple more times in her classically passive aggressive way, but I ignored her and she stopped talking.

I know it sounds rude, but trust me, the words that would have come out of my mouth had she started spouting CNN's talking points would have been MUCH more rude!

After today, I am wholly convinced that the entire state of Vermont (and much of New Hampshire) are made of sugar. I'm serious, I may not be able to recap parts of this day because I was in the back of the bus in a diabetic coma.

Last night before we got off of the bus, our tour guide made sure that we were aware that they would be serving Grade A Fancy Vermont Maple Syrup at breakfast and we should make it a point to eat the pancakes so we could have it.

Well, I don't eat pancakes, but he went on and on so I couldn't not get the syrup.

So I dipped my sausage links in it. They make maple sausage, right? Same difference.

(That was sugar #1)

Our first stop was in Weston, VT at the Vermont Country Store (this will shock some of you, but Granny B gets their catalog). All throughout the store she was trying to buy me things. I have developed a system in which I just keep walking when she wants to start buying. She keeps moving so that she doesn't get lost, and we avoid frivolous purchases.

Either way, at the store (at 8:30am) there were lots of samples of their products. We sampled lots of delicious cheese (aged horseradish cheddar? Be still my beating heart), more fudge than I care to admit, and the most delicious maple cheesecake mix.

(That was sugar #2)

When we boarded the bus at the store, the little shopkeeper got on the bus and handed our tour guide a bag full of hard candy. It included maple candies and butterscotch. So he went through the bus and gave everyone a couple of candies.

(Sugar #3)

At this point, I thought I would die. I eat sugar so rarely that my body was beginning to go into shock.

Next stop was Plymouth Notch, VT, the birthplace of President Calvin Coolidge. This is a State Historic Site and they have basically preserved the town to look like what it looked like when he was born there. And there is a working Cheese Factory in town. On the way there, we watched a video about Calvin Coolidge and the place we were going. Then the tour guide talked a lot about Calvin Coolidge.

At this stop I knew there would be a lot of walking and so I suggested that she and I stay on the bus. She insisted that we get out. We argued a little and then she won. So we walk about a block, through the general store, back onto the street, and she decides that she doesn't want to walk to one block to the cheese factory. I suggest we go back into the visitors center so she can sit down until the bus comes again.

As we are walking, the following conversation takes place:

Granny B: What was this place all about?
Me: The birthplace of Calvin Coolidge.
Granny B: So what was the purpose of stopping here?
Me: He was the 30th President of the United States.
Granny B: Yeah I know.
Me: Well, that's kind of significant.

What I wanted to say was, "We can't just visit sites that are significant to Democrats. This isn't a partisan tour."

"Oh, and by the way, I told you to stay on the F*&%ING bus!"

Back on the bus, we headed to Woodstock, VT. A very cute little town. This is where we had lunch. We got to town a little early and the restaurant wasn't open so our tour guide took some of the group down to the river to get a good picture of a covered bridge. She didn't want to walk that far so she sat on the bench while I ran down there. When I got back to the bench to get her to head to the restaurant, she was missing. I look over and she is in the little common across the street picking up leaves.

I get her situated and to the restaurant. She says she needs to use the restroom, so we inquire as to where it is, and it turns out there are about 15 stairs that you would have to take to get there. But they let us know that the Visitors Center across the street has bathrooms and minimal stairs.

We finish our lunch and head to the Visitors Center - on the way there she sees a store in the basement of a building on the corner. There is a shirt hanging outside the store and she stops and starts talking about how cute it is and how cute it would be on me.

I say to her, "We aren't going in there. You couldn't even walk up the stairs to the bathroom."

While we were waiting for the bus, we stepped into this little store that made me want to light a match, but the point of the story is, Granny B decided to purchase six champagne flutes (to use at Christmas. Where there are typically in the range of 15-20 people in attendance.) So the sales clerk asks her name for the shipping information and she tells her her name. The woman then asks, "Oh, do people ever call you Karma?" (Which was a really stupid question, but that doesn't matter.) I answered under my breath, "No, but they call her the synonym for it all of the time."

At one point when we were back on the bus, she wrote me a note and passed it over to me. I am not kidding you guys. We are sitting right next to each other on the bus - like literally touching all day long, and she passes me a note.

It says, "I can smell liquor on the bus. Is it just me?"

It definitely was just her, I didn't smell any liquor, because I would have sniffed it out and helped myself!

On each side of the bus next to the seat at the window are a bunch of green bags. They are meant to be used for trash as we drive and then at the end of the day you can pull the bag off and take it to the big trash bag in the front of the bus. About five minutes into today's ride I look over to see her pulling a bunch of empty bags off and putting them in her purse.

What is with this woman and her bags?

My cousin is town from Washington and she was scheduling a time to see Granny B when we get back through me. They decided on Saturday morning breakfast. At one stop she was buying some pictures and I was trying to get her to ship them home. She assured me that she had room in her suitcase to carry them back and said that would give me a reason to come to her house. Then she suggests I come for breakfast on Saturday, literally 12 hours after I leave her.

Fortunately for me, I have a golf tournament to play in on Saturday morning and will be unable to make it because I think it is going to be at least a week before I'm ready for this crazy train again!

The only other place we stopped today worth mentioning was at the base of Mount Washington, with the Mount Washington resort in the foreground. This resort was the site of the Bretton Woods conference in 1944 where 44 countries got together and established regulations for the international monetary system following the war.

What an amazing view! I want to stay at the resort someday!

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'

First of all, I would like to take a brief moment to apologize to my parents for talking constantly as a child. It wasn't until today that I realized just how annoying that is.

In other news, if being a teacher is anything like being a tour guide for a bus full of old people - it is a good thing I didn't get a degree in elementary education.

I can not begin to tell you the number of times today (and all throughout the trip) that our tour guide has finished explaining what is going to happen the next time we get off of the bus and someone asks a question that he just explained in detail. I will never know how he doesn't just shout out, "If you would F&*#ING listen the first time you would already know the answer to that question, you jackwagon!"

Fortunately, it isn't just Granny B. Unfortunately, she has at least one of those questions every time the freaking bus stops and she asks me.

I'm losing it, friends!

Oh my word, and she complains about everything. We walked into our condo tonight. Seriously, condo. At a ski resort, with a living room, small kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. The first thing she says, "small bathroom."

Again, please don't think that I'm not having fun because I am, but really, we drove for at least two straight hours today through some of the most beautiful leaves I've seen. But for two straight hours, it was pretty much the same scenery. And the rotation has taken us to the back of the bus so I can't really see much that is in front of us, so I got distracted with my iPhone and iPad. She nodded off so I didn't think it was a big deal.

However, every time she woke up she had to point out the changing colors of the leaves. Saw them. An hour ago.

On to what we saw today. We left this morning headed to the Normal Rockwell Museum and let me tell you - it was damn cold! I think it was 43 degrees when we stepped off the bus. As you can probably imagine, we did the museum at a marathon pace. Then spent a little time in the gift shop and then I found her friends from the bus who also don't walk much and she sat down with them while I went outside to visit the studio since we had another hour before it was time to load the bus again.

From there, we headed to the town of Stockbridge for lunch. Because of the size of our group, we often take over restaurants, but our tour guide calls ahead and they are ready for us. At this particular stop, there was only a small space inside to wait, so I told her to go in and I would meet her in there when they started seating people. She walked away and one of the men on the tour said, "You've got your hands full, don't you?|

Understatement of the year, my friend. Understatement of the year.

We ended up sitting at lunch with a couple we hadn't met. They are from south of New Orleans, so naturally the conversation led to hurricanes and flooding. The husband went on to tell a story about some towns near them and how recently they were flooded. In the middle of his story, she interrupts him. With something that had nothing to do with his story. It was nonsense really. And then she started asking about the Army Corps of Engineers building the levees.

After lunch I needed to find an outlet to charge my trusty iPhone (aka my sanity on this trip) so she went into the gift shop while I sat in a chair with the jackets waiting for the bus. There are three couples on this trip together and apparently they love cats, because a cat came out of nowhere and they all freaked out and followed it around and got all of their significant others and took pictures and wouldn't leave it's side. It was very strange.

From there, we drove into the Adirondack Mountains and then into Vermont. In Vermont we stopped at the Beddington Battle Monument, where you could buy tickets and go up to the top and see three states at once. I hear it was pretty awesome.

A we climbed back on the bus Granny B let me know, you know, a long time ago I went up there and it was kind of neat.

And I'm really super confused because I thought she hadn't been on this tour before, but she keeps telling me about things she did a very long time ago. The last time she was here.

For dinner tonight we had to take the shuttle down to the bottom building, where apparently your meal comes with a free hot fudge sundae. When we finished our dinner the waitress came up and asked if she would like her free hot fudge sundae. She said, and I am not kidding you, "Well, why not? I haven't had one of those in umpteen years."

Really? Umpteen years? Or was it yesterday?

Because I'm pretty sure it was yesterday.

One last thing that makes me absolutely crazy and then I'll leave it alone tonight. She always wants to ask everyone else for help with the dumbest shit. Tonight she asked the waitress what channel MSNBC was here. Just give me the damn remote and I'll figure it out. I can promise you that!

Currently she is in our room watching CNN and I am hiding at a bar drinking whiskey and water.

Tomorrow we will head to Woodstock (but not that Woodstock). This one is apparently of Rockefeller fame. And we are going to talk maple syrup. And see covered bridges.

And take pills at a rate dictated by debate talk.

Half Way To Heaven

Another day. Another Xanax.

I keep forgetting to tell you all stories and then I think of them after I hit publish, so this is all a little out of order.

But I have enlisted the help of my trust "Notes" app on my iPhone to keep track of what I want to tell you.

Hopefully my drug-fueled notes make sense to me each night when I sit down to write this literary masterpiece.

Yesterday when we were on our way home from Martha's Vineyard, we were passing a lot of trees. Just regular old trees. So she asks me if I ever learned a poem in school and recites like one or two lines that are totally unfamiliar to me. I tell her that I do not, in fact, know that poem.

(But if she wants A Valediction Forbidding Mourning by John Donne - I'm her girl!)

She apparently had to learn it in school back in New York. And then, and I kind of wish I was kidding, she starts singing the poem in song. Her kids and grandkids can only imagine this, as I know that every one of them has heard her break out into song randomly at some point in their life. I almost died.

...

A little run down of how our days go because I don't think I've told you before. Typically about an hour before we have to be on the bus our luggage has to be outside of our door for the guys to load. Then we can finish with any of the stuff we will carry on the bus with us. Then it is downstairs for a buffet breakfast and onto the bus for the day's activities.

The first night she decided that she would get up first and get in the shower and then she would wake me up for my shower and we would finish getting ready.

This is not what happens people.

She wakes up when the phone rings with the wake up call. But only after she has knocked everything off of the night stand and yelled "shit!" at least once. Then she gets in the shower and proceeds to get herself completely ready before she comes back out and lets me go in.

The good news is that I have been taking showers and semi-drying my hair at night after the gym. The bad news is, this typically leaves me in the realm of 35-40 minutes to straighten my hair, put on my make-up, brush my teeth, get dressed, and pack before I have to have my suitcase outside.

Speaking of suitcases - I bet some of your grandparents have furniture that they have covered in plastic to preserve. Well, Granny B has taken that shit one step further and she has plastic covers for luggage. No, this is not a joke. In theory, I'm sure it is a great idea. In practice, it is like a damn circus when she tries to get all of the zippers on the luggage closed, followed by getting the plastic in the right place, followed by closing those zippers. This almost certainly adds 10 minutes to our morning routine.

And this morning, she forgot to put her pjs in, so after 8.5 minutes when she finally had everything almost zipped up, I came out of the bathroom and saw them and she had to go through the entire game again.

We finally made it onto the bus and the tour began. We left Hyannis this morning, headed to Newport, RI. Our first stop was "The Breakers" the famous mansion of the Vanderbilts. Holy shit! That place was amazing. And furthermore, I would live in their kitchen for all of eternity if I could. It was beautiful.

The way the tours at the Breakers work is when you walk in they hand you a headset and a little walkie-talkie like thing. And you press a number and it tells you where to go. It tells you about all of the interesting stuff in the particular room you are in and when to move to the next room, etc.

If you are a slow walker, no problem because you just press play when you get to the next place.

But you have to listen. You can't just meander around rooms willy nilly. She was in one room trying to tell me that it was the Morning Room, when really she just didn't stop long enough in the Morning Room to hear what they were saying.

If at some point down the road she is trying to tell you something about the Vanderbilts, just nod your head, it won't make sense because it isn't the truth.

I know that part of the reason for her rushing through the tour was that she gets tired and needs to sit down. So, I followed behind her like a dutiful granddaughter and we got through. I even found the exit that didn't require her to use stairs so that she could go down and visit the gift shop. To buy a scarf.

Just a scarf. Like one you can get at your local department store.

Post-Breakers we headed into the town of Newport for lunch. Our tour guide is very good at recommending things for everyone, including places for people who can't walk very far. On this stop, that happened to be the Marriott. So we get off of the bus and start walking, I suggest that we eat at the Marriott because everything else is like 6 and 8 blocks away. She doesn't want to do what I say, so we walk a block and a half past the hotel and she says, "It's too cold to be walking out here." So we turn around and go back to the Marriott restaurant.

We enjoy a surprisingly good lunch in a fairly short amount of time and there is about an hour to kill before we have to get back on the bus. There are a few shops across the street, I figure we can be in and out of there in no time. She only walks into one of them and decides she just wants ice cream. We stop for a hot fudge sundae and as she is finishing, she says, "We only have 20 minutes, they are probably letting us on the bus now." I agree so I clean up her mess and we start walking back to the bus.

Then, out of nowhere, she apparently gets a burst of energy and can't live without going into the Yankee Candle Co. Store. Are you freaking kidding me? I practically ran through the Breakers because you didn't have the energy, but all of the sudden you just can't live without the stupid red vase at the Yankee Candle Co.? Oh, and bee tee dub, we have those in Arizona. And they have a catalog.

I finally get her out of there with eight minutes to make it to the bus, armed with a catalog so she can order the stupid vases.

(I tried to get the catalogs from her and put them in my backpack, no such luck, Ladies.)

Since they bill this trip as a Fall Foliage trip, it is only appropriate to see some leaves change color, so our bus driver and tour guide took us the back way out of Newport, past the University of Rhode Island. The tour guide must have said at least 50 times that we would be passing the University. And about five minutes before we passed it, he said, "The University of Rhode Island sports fields will be on the right." As we approach them, she says, "What are all these cars here for? Must be some kind of school or college."

O.M.G., Mommy...

We also got to see the Mystic Seaport today, something I would enjoy seeing more of at a later date. A very interesting history there. Also, we drove past Mystic Pizza (of Julia Roberts fame), but I didn't get a picture. Because despite the free shuttle from the hotel to downtown Mystic, we ate at the hotel bar tonight. Delicious food - let me tell you...

For those property rights fanatics out there, we also drove through New London, CT of Kilo v. New London fame.

Tomorrow we head up to the Normal Rockwell Museum and Vermont. And please pray for me because tomorrow night is the Presidential Debate and I'm just not sure I'll survive watching it with her.

We are staying in time share condos tomorrow so they are taking us to a little market on our way in case we want to get food and drinks and stay in for the night - I'm thinking a nice bottle of wine and I can get her to pass out early.

The Patience of a Saint

Day 3...

As Match will say when I talk to her later, five more sleeps.

Let's just take a moment here so that I can be sure that all of you fully understand what I am dealing with.

I am with grandmother 24/7 (or 24/8 in this case). We flew here together, we sit next to each other on the bus, we have every meal together, we share a hotel room. Ok, I guess we can knock it down to 22/7 because I did leave her to go to the gym last night and will do that again tonight for sanity's sake.

I know that all of you moms out there are thinking, "What's the big deal? That's what it is like with our children." Horse shit!

At least with children you expect needy behavior. You are equipped for it. You had nine months to prepare for it to come into your life and you have been living with it since they were born. Plus, they are children.

I live alone. I drive alone. I do things alone. I like alone.

I am fiercely independent (apparently the quality that is leading to me not having a boyfriend), I like to do things when I like to do them. Also, I am 31 years old. So when she says things like, "Do you need to go potty before we go?" I want to freaking scream!

If I need to go to the bathroom, I'll let you know. It has been quite some time since I wet my pants.

Sober.

Just kidding - I haven't wet my pants since childhood.

I forgot to tell you a story from yesterday - while we were at Plymouth Rock, one of the couples in our group apparently had a miscommunication on the time that we were supposed to arrive at the bus and they were a half hour late. During that time, the list of members of the tour group made the rounds of the bus so that everyone could write their cell number next to their name. That way if they got lost, our trusty tour guide could contact them and make sure everything was ok.

The list gets to our seat and I write my cell number down. She asks what I'm doing, I tell her and then I pass it to the next seat.

Granny B: Did you write my number down?
Me: Your phone is in the car.
Granny B: Yes, but don't you have the number in your phone?
Me: Yes, but your phone is in the car.
Granny B: I know, but you can get the number from your phone.
Me: I can, but if he called your phone looking for us because we were late for the bus, it would take a really long time to get back to him from your phone. In your car. At the airport in Phoenix.

Either she finally caught on to what I was saying, or she gave up, because the conversation stopped at that point.

Back to today.

One of the things that makes me the most crazy is that she just randomly shouts out things that are obvious. Ok, maybe shouts is the wrong word, but she doesn't really have an inside voice. (Ahem, SuperFan...) Yesterday in Boston, she just started reading out every sign she saw, including Chipotle Mexican Grill.

And she answers rhetorical questions from the Tour Guide - and I'm fairly certain it distracts him.

He'll be on the mic, chattering on about some interesting history fact and throw out a rhetorical question and she just says, "Yes."

Any time the Tour Guide says the words Kennedy or Clinton (which was a lot today!) she just says, "Yeees."

I'm waiting for her to start calling me Philomena.

Once we were on Martha's Vineyard we spent a majority of our time in Edgartown. It was a super cute community and we ate a nice lunch and walked in and out of lots of shops. She bought herself a little cotton outfit and a new purse.

So for those of you keeping score, that meant I was carrying three purses, two jackets, a backpack, and a shopping bag today.

She sure isn't complaining about these man arms now, is she?

There was a brief scare when I texted Match to let her know that there was something wrong with Granny B's right arm. She has trouble even holding her purse for a couple of seconds with it. She tells me it is arthritis, I think it is likely something more serious.

Match made me think it might be the sign of a stroke. I won't lie to all of you - I was scared. I started tearing up a little.

I think everything is fine, but I'll keep watching her.

(Sorry for that downer.)

When it was time to get back on the ferry, we got off of the bus and went to wait for our turn to board. She left her jacket on the bus, but decided it was cold and she needed it. So I had her sit down on a bench with all of the stuff and I ran back to the bus - the tour guide and bus driver (both fairly young males) were still on the bus and saw me coming. They opened the door and I climbed on saying, "She needs her coat. I need some whiskey."

They laughed and then told me that I have the patience of a saint. Ha! They have no idea that I have a pocket full of pills.

A couple of other notes:

She bought a new cookbook at the Methodist Gingerbread Cottage Store and there was a pie recipe recommended to her by the lady at the cash register. Don't worry, Match and XouXou, I checked - it doesn't include a whole lemon.

She meanders. Seriously, like totally unable to walk in a straight line. Also, she walks very slow. Like almost in reverse slow. And normally, I wouldn't care. But she is also like the most impatient person on the planet so she always wants to be off of the bus first. So even when our side is the second side to get off of the bus, there is at least half of a tour group of people we are traveling with behind us. And they move faster. And would like to get around her. But they can't. Because she is all over the freaking sidewalk. Seriously, I've never seen anything like it.

Tomorrow we leave the state of Massachusetts and head up to "The Breakers" in Rhode Island and then overnight in Mystic, CT.

I'll keep an eye out for Julia Roberts.

Don't Fire Until Fired Upon

Alright, friends, Day 2 is in the books. Six to go.

This is the craziest thing I've ever done. You literally put your luggage outside of your room in the morning and someone comes and loads it onto the bus and then when you get back to your hotel at night, they bring your bags to you.

Which, in reality is great because I am having a hard time carrying two purses, two jackets, a backpack, and whatever else Granny B decides to bring along for the day.

One hilarious non-Granny B moment today came at breakfast, two couples (sisters and their husbands, probably in the age range of 65-75) were sitting at the next table and the younger of the two sisters says to the other, "I watched Friday's General Hospital episode. I got the ABC app on my iPad."

I almost fell out of my chair.

Today was a long day with lots of stops. It started with the city tour of Boston, which took us by some pretty cool things including the Old North Church. This church is famous for "One if by Land, Two if by Sea." While were there they mentioned that they run based solely on donations and profits from their gift shop.

Granny B tells me, "I believe in the preservation of old buildings." As we walk up to the donation box which has a suggested donation of $3 and she puts in $1. I chuckled to myself. (Later in the day, we were having lunch at the Colonial Inn in Concord, MA, (built in 1760 or something) which looks to be an old house. It had a lot of small rooms so some of the tables were a little crowded. As we walked out she said, "They need to knock some of these walls down to make more space." So much for that preservation thing...)

As you may or may not know, Granny B and I have VERY different political leanings. And while I love my grandmother dearly, she is batshit crazy when it comes to politics. She basically watches CNN all day and picks up on little factoids of information, but doesn't really comprehend them. So then at a later date, always in my presence it seems, she spouts off these facts. Only she had gotten them convoluted in her head and they make even less sense now than they did in context.

It's awesome.

But you can't argue. I have gotten really good at responding with, "uh huh," "yeah," and, "no." That usually gets her to stop talking. I do get a little embarrassed when she starts "sharing" with others though.

Surely you have heard that as you age, you revert back to being a child. Well, folks, I'm here to tell you, that is 100% true. What I didn't tell you about yesterday's plane ride was that she ordered a cup of black coffee and a glass of ice water. I knew this was a bad idea, but I let her do it.

She drank 1/3 of the coffee and luckily let me throw it away, but she wouldn't give up the water. About an hour after it had been delivered I look over at her tray and her book has tipped the glass so that it hasn't fallen over, but it is spilling water all over her tray and her. We got that cleaned up and off we went.

Today on the bus we had water bottles. With lids. We each had one and they were in the cup holder type things in the front of our seats. At one point I look over and hers is spilling all over. With the lid on. Of course it wasn't on right, but seriously, I'm thinking of picking up some sippy cups for tomorrow.

As we all know, for most people when they age, their memory starts to go, and Granny B is no exception. We will have a conversation and 15 minutes later, we will have the exact same conversation. If I had a dollar for every time I told her that I can't eat something with gluten in it, I could probably go on this trip again.

So today, after visiting the Old North Church, we had to walk up a hill to get back to the bus. She was lamenting with another woman on our tour about the walk and said, "You think they could bring the bus down here." (If you've never been to Boston, I will let you know that the streets are stupid narrow - I don't even know how two cars can fit on some of them.) So the other woman said, "They probably won't let the bus come down here." Then Granny B turns to me and says, "I was here a long time ago and the bus picked us up right down there."

Really? Did that really happen? You can't remember what we ate for breakfast, but you are going to tell me that "a long time ago" you remember where a bus parked in Boston?

Let's get real.

I will admit that I broke down after lunch and took half an anti-anxiety pill. I'm not really sure it helped, but I'm going to try one in the morning tomorrow and see if things go better.

As I have said numerous times, I do not regret taking this trip. Despite the crazy that I report to you above, we are having a good time. The sites are amazing and our tour guide is a riot!

For the sake of this being my journal, I will share with you the things we did/saw today. At the end of this, when I get back home, I'll post all of the pictures in one post for you to see, because I still haven't figured out how to post one from this iPad.

This morning we started with a quick driving tour through Boston. We saw the Old State House, the site of the Boston Massacre, the harbor where the tea was dumped during the Boston Tea Party. As previously mentioned, we stopped and got out at the Old North Church and then basically followed the path of Paul Revere's Midnight Ride to Lexington and Concord. We saw Bunker Hill and Old Iron Sides. We stopped at the Old North Bridge where the Rebel Forces turned the the Regulars back to Boston. Then it was off to Plymouth to see the Plymouth Rock. In a surprise from our tour guide, we stopped by the National Monument to the Forefathers - if you are ever in Plymouth - find this! I'm not kidding - it was awesome!

Tonight we are overnighting in Hyannis and will head over to Martha's Vineyard tomorrow where we will explore the history of whaling.

A Rough Start

Well, it is finally here - my trip with Granny B. And let me tell you, it started out on the wrong foot.

First of all, I have termed this trip Baller Tour 2012 and will be tagging my Instagram pictures as such.

(If you are on Instagram and don't currently follow me - my name is Weesta.)

So, we had decided on Monday that I would pick Granny B up at her house on Friday morning at 6:45. Our flight was at 9:30 and that gave us plenty of time to check-in, park the car, catch the bus, and get through security.

As I often do, I showed up at her house about 10 minutes early. I tried the door because she usually unlocks it when she knows I am coming, but it was locked. So I knocked. After two minutes, she hadn't answered so I rang the doorbell.

I am fairly certain the neighbors and definitely the guys teeing off on the 1st hole heard the doorbell, but she didn't answer.

I thought to myself, she must be blowdrying her hair. So I waited a minute (she doesn't have that much hair) and rang it again. This went on two more times and no answer.

So I called the house. She didn't answer that one either so I started to get concerned.

Obviously when I'm concerned, I call Match - so that's I did. She said, let me call her.

Thinking back on it now, I'm not really sure how that would have changed any situation, but I said ok and hung up. Right about the time I heard the phone ring, she came to the door in her robe.

She had overslept - which was no problem at all considering the scenarios I had gone through in my mind.

Then she says to me, "I read the clock wrong. I'm so mad at myself I could cry."

I assured her that we were doing fine on time and that I would move my stuff to her car and load her things.

We were on the road about 10 minutes later than I had originally planned, but I wasn't too stressed.

As we drove, I was telling her a story that happened the day before when I went to Match's house and SisterSmalls was there screaming, but the moment she saw me she stopped crying and reached for me. I went on to tell her that Match said SisterSmalls was two hours late to take her nap so I bounced her around for a while and she fell asleep.

Her response?

"Oh, she knew she could sleep in those man arms."

WHAT?!?!

Had I really been paying attention to what she was saying I would have thanked her and let her know that I work hard at CrossFit four times a week for these man arms, but I wasn't really paying attention and it took me a while to realize what had just happened.

Fast forward and we are at the airport. We do curbside check in and I tell her to find a seat inside while I take the car to the long-term parking and ride the bus back. That goes smoothly.

In line for security there is a sign that reads something to the effect of, "If you were born before 1937, you do not have to remove your shoes to go through security."

The security line was kind of long, so Granny B found a chair and sat while she waited for it to be our turn. The TSA lady saw her and asked what she was doing - she explained, no problem.

Then it was our turn and I asked the lady if she could keep her shoes on, being that she was born before 1937. Well it turns out that only applies if you were born before 1937 and wear only velcro shoes. If you have any sense of style (read: any metal in your shoes) you must remove them.

We finally get through that and stop at Starbucks for some coffee and a blueberry muffin (her, not me). Three bites of muffin and two sips of coffee and she's done.

Then it is off to the little store where we have to go through every.single.granola bar while she asks me what they are like.

I don't know - I don't eat gluten.

She picks three and we're off.

I may have mentioned to you all before that her travel agent planned this trip and booked everything for us. (I know, right? Who knew travel agents still existed.) And I was Class A pissed at the b-word because she booked us on Southwest. With a connection. Like getting on and off the airport once each way wasn't stressful enough for me.

So, we sit down at the gate after I retrieve a blue pre-board sleeve and I have to explain to her the way Southwest works and why I was so angry at the travel agent for booking us. She says, "Well, I should have had you do it. Next time, you can make all of the arrangements."

Mission accomplished! Wait, what? Next time?

I will tell you that one of my favorite moments of the day came on the plane though, she is reading a book about the US Presidents (a whole story I may tell you about later), and there is a portion that discusses the Great Depression. So she puts the book down and starts to tell me about her life during that time. She tells me about how her brother had to work for practically slave wages for her uncle, building desks. And how he would bring his entire check, still in the envelope, to her Mom to buy food for the kids.

Then she tells me that when the depression hit, her dad had to declare bankruptcy so they had to move to a little house by the river. Then she smiled and said, "We called it the Riviera." Then she tells me, "While we were living at the Riviera, my mom would make beer and soda and sell it to the neighbors. And one day the FBI guys came to the house and they told her, 'Mrs. D, we are going to have to take to jail for making and selling beer.' And my mom said, (and right here she gets a thick Italian accent) 'You can take me to jail. I go. But you have to come back here and feed all these children.' And the FBI guys looked around and they knew she was only selling it to the neighbors so they said, 'Never mind, you can forget we were ever here.'"

The rest of the plane ride was pretty uneventful. We landed in Nashville a little early, but not really early enough to sit down and eat and I knew she was hungry. So I had her order some food while I got the blue sleeve so we could pre-board, then we ate sitting at the gate until it was time to get on.

When we landed in Boston, shit went downhill in a hurry.

I told her before we landed that we had to find the phone to call the Hilton to send the shuttle. She wouldn't let me find the phone. Then she wanted to get a cab, but when she told the guy where we wanted to go, he directed us to the curb where the shuttle would pick us up. So we stood there for like five minutes when she started to get antsy and walk around aimlessly. I was super frustrated and on the verge of tears.

We made it through that though and we are now safely tucked into our hotel. We have attended our welcome meeting. The age range of the other people on the tour isn't as bad as I thought, and I think we are going to have a good time from here on out.

And just in case, I have a bottle of anti-anxiety meds. What do you think happens if you take those with alcohol?

Results

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I had to have some blood work done. 

Based on the fact that I eat fairly good and workout pretty hard, I was feeling like I was not getting the results that I should - so I talked to a friend of mine who is a nutritionist and we ordered up some blood tests.

Last week I had the blood drawn and on Tuesday I got the email that the results were in.

I sent them over to my friend and then started checking them out myself.

One of the areas that had a red flag next to it was calcium.

So I did what any normal person would have done...

I googled "high blood calcium level." And then the proverbial shit hit the fan.

Words like tumor, cancer, expert surgeon, and milk-alkalai syndrome were all over the page. 

I was freaking out.

I emailed the results to my friend and she asked when I could chat by phone, I gave her my schedule for the day.

She responded that she was booked for the next two days and how was Thursday?

I said, Thursday? Are you serious? I'm freaking out! I'm sure I'm dying. I know it's a tumor.

She said, It's not a tumor.

Actually she said, You're not dying. We can fix you.

But it really sounds so much better the other way.

Today we had that conversation and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

A few concerns that a few months of supplements should fix.

Fingers crossed!

Wednesday Wisdom

It's been a while since my last Wednesday Wisdom, but this landed in my inbox from Real Simple and I had to share!

In Which the First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

You guys, I have a problem!

Remember last week when I told you I was starting a new program, complete with a sticker chart?

Well, that went swimmingly for a day and a half. I earned three stickers.

And then I had to have blood drawn on Thursday so I couldn't work out Tuesday afternoon or all day on Wednesday.

Then I left for California on Friday.

And despite a grueling hike up the railroad tracks and an unexplained knee injury, I'm fairly certain I did not do enough exercise to earn a sticker. 

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4:06 and made it to the gym. I nearly threw up during the warm up - the freaking warm up - and the unexplained injury was not conducive to front squats. I did finish the workouts though and earned another sticker.

Then I took a shower and went back to sleep for 3 hours.

I decided that I would run tonight.

Then I got to the gym this morning to find today's WOD was the 6x400m runs. (I was not as fast as the last one, but not as slow as the first.)

Needless to say, my legs are killing me.

I don't want to get dressed and go for a run.

I have a Tabatas 4 Tatas Burpee WOD to do, but I can't make myself do that either.

Someone help me!

I need motivation!

The stickers aren't working!

I think it because I'm old...

Getting Ready...

Ohmigosh, you guys, a week from tomorrow I leave for my 8-day bus trip with Granny B.

I know that it is going to be fun.

I know that there are going to be memories I will cherish forever.

I know that I will be so happy that I went when it is over.

But seriously, people, this is stressful.

I got my final packet for the trip. At the back of the itinerary book is a place where I can record the names, numbers, and addresses of the new friends that I meet.

How old school is that?

And we have to rotate seats twice a day so that everyone gets a chance to sit in the good seats.

What?!?!

I'm not even sure I'm ready to pack for this adventure. 

I think I'm going to need more wine...

In Like a Lion

 I freaking love this saying!

Sometimes I wonder why we spend so much time doing things because we think it is what we are supposed to do.

I'm just as guilty of it as the next person, but oh how I would love to be a lion.

I don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but I'm working on starting a wellness program at work.

I am passionate about wellness. I want everyone to be the best person they can be.

I want them to be healthy and to feel like I feel now.

Like I didn't feel a year and a half ago before I started CrossFit.

So one of the women at work who is working with me on this program sent me a link to a short blurb about how a city in Florida will no longer hire smokers.

From that blurb, I clicked on a blurb with the video below.

You have probably seen this video by now - it is all over Facebook.

What an amazing story. And good for her for standing up for herself.

I will tell you that when she starts to choke up a couple of times - it slayed me.

Maybe you have never struggled with your weight.

But it is likely that you probably had something going on in your life that people could see on the outside and judged without knowing your story.

I have talked before about struggling with my weight. Forever. Still.

Just this morning I was talking to my CrossFit coach about getting some blood work done to try to figure out why I can't seem to lose the extra weight in my midsection.

And the people who aren't in the gym with my every day or who don't know what my eating habits are, could easily judge me outwardly.

They don't know my story.

During that conversation this morning my coach was telling me that growing up his dad had a hyperactive thyroid, which caused him to be able to eat anything he wanted and remain as thin as a rail.

But also, very sick. To the point that they removed his thyroid and put him on medication.

Strangers don't know his story.

Just because someone is thin doesn't mean they are healthy. Just because they are fat doesn't mean that they aren't.

Just because someone doesn't look like you, doesn't mean they are wrong. 

October also happens to be Anti-Bullying Month.

Today I was in a meeting talking about Rachel's Challenge.

Rather than being anti-bullying, it promotes kindness. 

You know, it is a lot easier to stop being mean than to actively be nice.

Think about it.