Hey! What's Going on Here?

Have you ever noticed how when you are with certain people, the same things tend to happen?

For example, when I am with BodyBuilder we tend to meet the most random people and we end up in very strange situations. Like the time a random guy took a bath in our hotel room. (Don't freak out, he was a friend of a friend, but he was random to us.) And there are a million stories like that. It seems that every time I hang out with her, we end up with a story.

Yesterday Such-n-such came down from Flagstaff to stay the night so that I could take her to the airport this morning; and it appears that when we are together, very strange things happen.

Instead of giving her directions all the way to my house, we decided to meet at PJ Fangs* for lunch. Once we sat at our table it took a while for the waitress to arrive, but we weren't overly concerned because we hadn't seen each other in a while and we had a lot of catching up to do. Consequently, when the waitress arrived we were ready to order. Such-n-such orders a noodle dish and asks if she can add chicken to it. The waitress thinks about it for a while and then finally says, "Sure, I think there is a protein option." Great. Thanks.

She comes back with our drinks and the little sauce tray and she doesn't ask us how we like it before she starts making it. She says, "I only put one scoop of this, but if you like it spicier you can add more. And I only put a little hot mustard because it tastes too much like horseradish to me." Umm, what if we like horseradish?

After a while, the waitress walks by and tells us that our food is being "trayed." We keep talking, not annoyed or impatient, just enjoying each other's company. About 10 minutes later she comes up to our table and says, "Sorry, apparently I didn't specify what kind of chicken you wanted so I just got chewed out by the kitchen." We don't really need the chain of events, we just need our food, please. The food arrives shortly thereafter and we begin eating. I start to run out of iced tea so she walks by and says that she is going to get me another glass. Then a manager comes by and asks me what I'm drinking. I tell him that the waitress has it under control.

We continue to enjoy our lunch when the waitress walks up, sets a plate of sweet and sour chicken on our table and walks away. Then she turns around and says, "On us." What? This is starting to get weird.

About five minutes later a woman dressed in normal clothes comes up to our table (I assume she was also a manager), and asks us how every thing is going. We reply that everything is great and she walks away. She didn't talk to another table on her way to us nor away from us. It was the strangest experience ever.

Then, this morning, as I'm driving her to the airport and we get on the freeway and we can see that a highway patrolman has a truck pulled over ahead of us. There are two officers and one guy standing in front of the patrol car and as we approach one of the officers begins running to his car. As we pass he jumps into the driver seat and the truck begins to pull away. Then the other officer jumps into the car and they take off, leaving the other guy standing on the side of the road. The truck is now travelling down the freeway at a high rate of speed and it passes our car and we get a look at the driver, who I'm pretty sure was a vampire. It takes the highway patrol car a very long time to speed up to the point of even coming close to catching the truck, but he finally does and we lose them.

I don't know if they caught the guy, but it reminded me of what BodyBuilder always says, "Go ahead and run. You'll just go to jail tired."

Run, Run, Rudolph

My question is: how did Santa see where the sleigh was going before Rudolph arrived to guide the sleigh with his nose so bright?

Rollin'

Some of you may be wondering how Granny Baller got such a name, so I thought that I would tell the story.

Granny Baller travels a lot. Mostly on cruises for long periods of time. A couple of Christmases ago she had just returned from a cruise and we were sitting at the table enjoying our Christmas dinner when my uncle started giving her a hard time about the trips that she was going on. Granny Baller replied, "That's how I roll." Of course everyone started laughing hysterically. Then my uncle said, "Your grandson, Prince William*, says he rolls like a Baller." To which she replied, speaking to Prince William, "So you know how I roll?"

And speaking of Granny B, the other day I was sitting in my home office trying to get some work done when she called to see if I could have lunch with her. I told her that would be fine and at the appointed time I arrived at her house for lunch. In the middle of lunch she says, "Oh, I almost forgot," and pulled a red gift bag out. Then she proceeds to tell me how she went to get her haircut that morning and she was talking to her hairdresser about how she wants my hair to be short, but I refuse. So her hairdresser told her to send me in and she would do my hair. Then Granny B says, "So, since I absolutely hate your hair, I bought you this gift certificate to get your hair cut by my lady." Gee, thanks...

Do You Understand the Words Coming Out of My Mouth?

Something about my family that you should know is that we can't let anything go. If we think something is funny, it will be with us for life. (This probably applies mostly to Match.mom and me...) So I've decided to make a list of things that offer timeless hilarity for us.

Hopefully you read the "Thanks Speedy God" post. That was apparently VERY funny to my mom and she brings it up all of the time. I think it was an innocent mistake made by a kid and the lesson to people should be to ennunciate!!

Typically, the Friday after Thanksgiving is spent decorating my grandma's house (we'll call her Baller*). She is a little Italian lady with very strong opinions on everything from my hair to how her house should be decorated for Christmas. So, needless to say, it is usually an entertaining venture to get Match.mom, Xou Xou, Superfan, me, and her into one house to try and get this done. We all have strong personalities (to put it lightly). All goes fairly well, we laugh, we yell, we sing Christmas songs at the top of our lungs, and finally, we get to setting up the Nativity Scene. I am unwrapping the people and animals for the scene and Granny Baller is putting them where she wants them. Two of the kings are already in place, but there isn't room for the third when I pull him out. So I say to Match.mom, "shouldn't we put the three kings of Orientar together." Before I go any further, I know that the song says, "We three kinds of Orient are...," but as a child, and with singers not ennunciating properly, I was sure that the kings were coming from a biblical land that was probably where present day Asia is located...

Below you will find more phrases that have been mispronounced by family or friends that we have not been able to let go.

Donged - ex. It just donged on me that you two are related.

Pig-Style Mess - ex. This room is a pig-style mess.

Mammiogram - ex. It's time for my annual mammiogram to make sure I don't have breast cancer.

Obeast - ex. That 7-year-old is obeast! He weighs 100 pounds!

Photogenic - ex. He has a photogenic memory.

Time To Get Serious...

So, I've been struggling a lot with posting on the blog more often. I know that there are people out there who like to read it and get upset when they visit and find that there is not a new post. I apologize to those people. However, I have felt for a long time that my posts had to be funny in order to be on the blog, and IT says that is not the case. So I'll try to post more to the blog, but it may not be what you are always looking for.

Gracias

In honor of Thanksgiving, I have decided to put together a list of things that I am thankful for:

1. My family. Mostly because they support me and don't tell me I'm crazy (even when I obviously am...)

2. Reunions with old friends. After 6 years or 6 days, a meeting with an old friend who knows your stories is always nice.

3. New friends. For a long time I thought that I had all of the friends I needed. I was wrong.

4. The future. Anticipation of what's to come makes me giddy with excitement.

5. My iPod. Music makes me truly happy.

6. Blackberry Messenger. Being the crazy communicator I am, it is nice to be able to communicate quickly and frequently with friends.

7. My job. I can't think of anything that I would rather be doing for a living at this point in my life.

8. My nephew. I know that technically he is family, but he is in a category all his own. Watching him grown and learn is one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. Plus, he says some hilarious things - I think he got my sense of humor.

9. The American Soldier. Knowing that I can rest easy at night because someone is out there protecting my freedom is a liberty that I never want to give up.

10. Coffee. The taste. The atmosphere. Everything about it.

11. My hair stylist. I'm the most indecisive person in the world when it comes to my hair and she always suggests something great.

Another Addition...

One more thing to add to the list...

1. See a baseball game in every Major League Stadium. (I've done Colorado, Boston, and Arizona so far. BodyBuilder* has talked about doing this with me, in which case I would have to start over with her)
2. Go to Mount Rushmore.
3. Master a signature dish.
4. Eat pizza in Italy.
5. Flamenco dance in Spain.
6. Drink in Ireland.
7. See the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center.
8. Get married.
9. Become proficient in Spanish.
10. Write a book.
11. Publish that book.
12. Give birth.
13. Learn to surf.
14. Visit all 50 states.
15. Learn to ballroom dance.
16. Go to the Summer Olympic Games.
17. Attend the Kentucky Derby. (or one of the other races that makes up the Triple Crown.)

The Hottest Girl In Nevada...

This post is going to be a flashback. About a year ago, I went on a road trip in Nevada for work - a lot of crazy things happened, and I think I tried to block them out of my memory. However, this week I was in Nevada again for work and was invited to attend the very same road trip this year, which got me thinking about my adventures before.

This particular road trip is a marketing trip for a producer who runs a bull test station. It is a yearly event, and this was my first experience with it. We were travelling in a large group and had four stops in four days. The first two days were pretty uneventful. The third day things got interesting as we moved into Nevada.

We left Lakeview, OR at the crack of dawn, headed to Elko. I ended up in the truck with two older gentlemen (both old enough to be my dad, almost my grandpa). As is typical of me riding in the back seat of a vehicle, I fell asleep almost immediately. I woke up around the time that we were stopping at Denio Junction for a bathroom break and some coffee. It was probably about 9:00 am at this time and when we walked into the coffee shop/bar/hotel lobby/quick mart, there were two gentlemen sitting at the bar. One was fairly normal (well, as normal as you can be if you are at a bar in the middle of nowhere at 9:00 am), the other was WASTED!! He had to have still been drunk from the night before because there is no way he could have drank enough to get to this point this early in the morning.

I order a cup of coffee from the bartender and she directs me to where the cream and sugar are located. I have to walk by the drunk guy on my way there. Of course, he starts talking to me. He is going on and on about how beautiful I am and are those men my boyfriends, etc. I am slightly uncomfortable. But I continue on to fix my coffee without stopping. I was not so lucky on the way back. The drunk stops me again and asks me if I'll give him a hug. At this point I am hoping that one of the older gentlemen that I am riding with will break in and say that we need to leave - they did not. I avoid the hug, but he invites me to join him in the hot pumps down the road later that night. I politely decline his invitation and we are finally on our way.

We make it Elko with a lot less excitement and get set up for the night ahead. The previous two nights followed the same schedule: social hour w/ drinking, dinner w/ drinking, more drinking after dinner, and then possibly go to a bar and drink some more. Elko turns out to be no different. The hotel that we are staying at has a casino in the lobby, but you have to walk across the parking lot to the rooms. So we commence drinking in the casino bar and are having a great time. About the time that I'm ready to head back to my room one of the other gentlemen on the trip (not one of the ones I was riding with) says that he is ready to go back as well and he'll walk me across the parking lot. How chivalrous, right?? Wrong! We walk across the parking lot and come to my room first. I say, "Well this is me. See you in the morning." He says, "Are you just going to go to bed?" I say, "That's the plan." He says, "I could come in and hang out for awhile." WHAT?? NO! This is crazy talk - he is definitely old enough to be my dad. And I'm pretty sure that I have not given him any signs that I want him to come and "hang out" in my room.

After narrowly escaping that situation, I was glad that he wouldn't be joining us for the fourth and final night in Winnemucca. Again, the night followed in the same fashion as the others, but because this was our last night and we had to get up really early to head to Fallon the next day, there was not as much partying going on. But two (different) guys and I went to the bar in the hotel after the dinner for a final drink and to chat for awhile. So we're sitting there enjoying our drinks when one of the guys asks me if I'm single. The following conversation takes place:

Me: Yes, I am.
Gentlemen: I'd love to set you up with my brother.
Me: What?
G: Yes, you would be great for him.
Me: Tell me about him.
G: He owns his own company, blah, blah, blah. And he lives in Indiana.
Me: How do you propose we meet if he lives in Indiana?
G: Well, you don't live in Nevada and you're here now.
Me: Touche. However, Nevada is in my territory for work, Indiana is not.
G: It's just as easy to fly to Indiana.
Me: And just knock on his door?
G: Why not?

Is he kidding me?? Like I'm really going to fly to another state to meet a guy that I don't know. I don't care who his brother is. This is crazy!!!

So, needless to say, I am a little nervous about going on this same road trip for a second time. I guess it will probably bring more blog material...

Ranch Ready...

Regularly on our adventure tours, Diddy and I contemplate the reasons that we are single. We can not come up with a good reason. Diddy is an AWESOME guy and well, let's face it, I'm a catch! We will admit that we are not without our flaws, but our positive characteristics far outweigh our negatives ones...

One of the things that I needed to brush up on was my "ranch readiness." So Diddy and I created our own little training program to make sure that someday I would make a good ranch wife (or owner at the rate things are going...). After this weekend, the training is almost complete.

Gather cattle in a truck? Check.
Gather cattle on horse? Check.
Ride a horse all day? Check.
Work at the chutes while processing? Check.
Drive a truck with a trailer or gooseneck attached? Check.
Drive the feed truck through the pasture? Check.

My next lesson will be backing up with a gooseneck attached and will be taught by Banana. She tends to have a little more patience than the guys...

One of the funniest parts of the weekend was when I was sitting on the porch at the ranch house with our Navajo friend, Homes*. He was telling me stories (as he frequently does) about when he was younger. I almost wet myself when he told me the story of his time as a drug dealer in a Mexican Mafia gang. He told me that the only time he ever got dressed up was when he went to see "The Man." He would put on his Rolex, his diamond ring, and his gold chain with the gold medallion that said his name, "Homes" on it. And he would carry his gold snake briefcase. It was hilarious!

Some Updates

A couple of things that I want to touch on...

NKOTB - as mentioned in a previous post, the New Kids on the Block are making a comeback!! And a couple of weeks ago, I went to see them in concert in Glendale. It was a great concert!!! We had bought the tickets in June, so by the time the concert rolled around I was kind of wondering what I was thinking... All doubts were gone as the first notes of my childhood began to play. It was like I was nine years old again - the same dances, the same songs, the same Donnie Wahlberg. It was brilliant!!! And it was all worth it when during the final encore, they came out to sing Hangin' Tough! Seriously, it was awesome! And even at 40, they've still got the moves!

Birthday List - many of you may remember reading the list of things that I would like to accomplish in my 28th year. Well, I'm working on training for the half marathon in January (it may kill me, but I'm doing it!!). I've been working on recognizing my insecurities and I think I'm doing a good job of addressing them. And this weekend, I made a concerted effort to tell someone how I feel. It didn't go as well as I planned, but I'm proud of myself for sticking to my goals. I know that (or at least I hope that) these things are making me a better person and it has made realize how wonderful my friends and family are. Thank you all for being so supportive of my goals and not making me feel like an idiot even when I probably am one.

An addition - I would also like to add something to the list of birthday goals: journaling. Starting today, I am going to try to write in a journal every day - please ask me how I'm doing the next time that you talk to me.

Finally, I need to give a shout out to Carrot*. He has made his way into my top five favorite people (even if he didn't shimmy up the light pole for me...). He chose one of the two easiest ways to get into my Top 5 - he told me I was hilarious!!! I heart you Carrot!!

Day 4 - Congratulations on Your Engagement

Before everyone points it out to me, I realize that I skipped Day 3. The truth is that not all that much funny or exciting happened.

So we're going to skip right to Day 4. The morning was pretty uneventful, we had some meetings and everything went fairly smoothly. The meetings ended around lunchtime and then we were scheduled to be in a canoe race. For the race we had to be in teams of four with two women and two men and we had to have a team name. Our travel group was perfect and we were "The Malamas." We did not win our canoe race. We weren't as bad as I thought we'd be, but we weren't good either. All in all, we had fun and enjoyed cheering everyone else on.

The best part of the day came in the pool after the races. The four of us were just hanging out, swimming, and going down the slide. One of the other families that was with our group was doing the same thing and we were chatting in the pool. The patriarch of the family asked us when the big day was - referring to the wedding of Banana and Bunner. Without thinking, I say the date.

(Before I go any further, I must tell you that we were pretty sure that most people at the meeting thought that Diddy and I were a couple. Apparently it is very strange for a man and woman to be just friends.)

So the son of the family looks at us kind of strange and says, "Oh, congratulations." Immediately, I say, "not me - my little brother!" I guess I must have been a little passionate about that because everyone was like, "it'll happen for you someday."

Later that night, we were at an event celebrating the agriculture of Hawaii, and the story was brought up again. At this point one of the guys who was also on the trip, who we know very well, told us that someone asked him how long we had been married. Let's get something straight, friends: When I am engaged and subsequently when I am married, I will be wearing a ring, with a beautiful diamond on it - until that point, go ahead and assume that I am not either of the above listed things.

After we had our fill of Hawaii-grown products at the event, we headed back to the hotel to have a couple of drinks and then head to bed. Because we are the type of people who don't really like other people, we chose a table away from the bar. It wasn't until after we sat down that we realized that there was some kind of reception (I use that term loosely) going on next to us.

Because of who we are, Match.mom and I started trying to figure out what was going on. Let me set the scene for you:

There are about 20 people sitting at 6 different tables. The table closest to us had a family all wearing white tops and khaki bottoms. The table next to them had 6 people at it - 3 women and 3 men. Two of the women had flower wreaths on their heads and everyone at the table was at 70 years old. Another table held all women and one was clearly mentally handicapped. The other tables were normal - no matching, no special ed. There was a very small cake (a miniature wedding cake, if you will) at the edge of their dining area. After dinner, when they got up to cut the cake, four people (2 men and the 2 women with flower headpieces) participated. The weirdest part of it was that they only used one knife. Four hands, one knife. Then it occurred to us that the two women were wearing the same dress, different fabric. And each woman's dress matched her respective man's shirt.

My explanation was swinger wedding - I'm open to your thoughts.

There are two other things that are worth mentioning about this "party":

1. It was so boring that they started having foot races in the grass. And not just the kids. The adults were doing it too. But during one foot race an older woman was racing a six-year-old girl and she didn't let her win. The poor little girl was crying. Then they had another race and the dumb bitch beat her again. What is wrong with that woman?!?! I mean, I am competitive, but that is taking it a little too far.

2. Towards the end of the reception the mentally handicapped woman kept asking the waiter if there was a water slide at the hotel. (Keep in mind that we are sitting by the pools.) Then all of the sudden she was missing and no one seemed concerned. I was sure that she had gone to find the water slide and fell in the pool and was drowning. To the point that I was going to go find her. But luckily she returned a short time later.

Day 2 - A Trip Around the Island

So, at the rental car place, PapaBear rented a handy-dandy GPS system. We named her Connie*. And she was a dirty, lying, whore. Seriously, we would ask her what places were near us to eat and she would say that there wasn't anything for 291 miles. I'm pretty sure if we drove 291 miles in a circle, we'd be right back to the exact location that we were in... But, she did serve us well a couple of times.

Well, let me back up here - the minute that we started talking about going to Hawaii, all Diddy could talk about was eating macadamia nut pancakes with coconut syrup (haaaaaamp). So naturally, we wanted to eat them for our first breakfast on the island. This proved much more difficult than it should have been.

Diddy started by asking the Concierge at the hotel if she knew of a place to get them. She informed him that she doesn't have time for breakfast in the morning. So you have no idea where to eat it?? I mean, really?!?! You're the concierge - this is your job!!! However, she pointed us to the bellmen - apparently they like to wake up early and consume the most important meal of the day. So PB goes to the get the car while the three of us head to the belldesk to ask about the pancakes. You would have thought that we just suggested the model for the wheel. They were like, "macadamia nuts? in pancakes? we never thought of that!!!" Really? You put coconut, pineapple, and macnuts (as they call them on the islands) on everything else, but you didn't think of pancakes???? I am not impressed by these people.

Either way, we found a place to have breakfast and it was delicious! But there were no macnut pancakes. After breakfast, we wanted to go to a coffee plantation (I use the term plantation very loosely.) So, I plug it into Connie and she leads us to Kona Blue Sky Coffee. We learned a lot about the process of picking and roasting coffee beans, but were a little disappointed that there was no tour. I'd be lying if I said PB was disappointed, but Match.mom and I were very sad - we love to learn!

After coffee, it was a loooong drive to Hilo. About halfway there, I got bored and started playing with Connie again. I typed in "landmarks" and she told us that a black sand beach was only 8 miles away. PB was on the phone, so Diddy, Match.mom, and I made an executive decision and pointed him in the direction of the beach. Let me tell you, black sand, made from cooled lava, is REALLY hot!!!! But it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen! AND - it was apparently turtle nesting season, and even though Diddy didn't believe me, I found a turtle in the water:



This was the end of the good that Connie did for us. For the rest of the trip, she was a no-good liar!

After the beach, we went to the volcano to see the lava tubes and steam vents. Very neat. At one point, Diddy asked PB, "how do they know it's safe for us to stand here." PB replied, "you're standing on top of a volcano, of course it isn't safe. At any moment this thing could erupt and we would vaporize."

Now, we had a dilemna. We still needed to go to the macadamia nut factory, but we were hungry and all of the restaurants were past the factory so we'd have to backtrack. Since Connie had done so well earlier in the day, we got her out again to find a place to eat. We typed in seafood, and she told us that Happy Valley Seafood was the closest place - so off we went. She lied!!! First, she took us in the most roundabout way to Happy Valley Chinese and Seafood... This is not what we were looking for! But, because of the trek it was to get there, we decided to go in and check it out. We start to order and I order Kung Pao Chicken - figuring that is a pretty safe dish anywhere. The waitress says, "I wouldn't order that. Not here. It's disgusting!" Needless to say, I changed my order and everyone enjoyed lunch much more than we had anticipated.

After lunch it was off to the Mauna Loa Macadamia Nut factory. A pretty uneventful self-guided tour left us wanting more. So we were browsing the gift shop and there happened to be a jewelry counter in the middle of the store. This was a little strange to us, but not a big deal. This particular jewelry counter had bowls full of oysters that you could pay to have opened and keep the pearl inside. So Diddy and I venture over there and are discussing this when the lady behind the counter started talking to us. She told us that normally it was $14.95 to open an oyster, but they had this bucket of coupons and we could pick one and maybe get a deal. So I choose one and it's 50% off. Diddy talks me into choosing an oyster. The Hawaiian lady with a very thick accent begins to tell us that we want to find and "ugly one. And make it fat at bottom." So I start going through the bowl with the little tongs and each time I pick one up, she says, "Dat one? Dat one good!" I finally decide on an oyster and she says, "Oh yeah, dat one good. Dat ugly and fat." She gets it out of the bowl and I tap it in the ritual that she tells me and then she opens it. When she gets it open - chaos erupts. She starts yelling to the other ladies in the shop to come look. She's saying, "Golden. Twin. Come see. Twin, twin." For those of you who don't know - golden pearls are aparently the rarest kind - and I have just chosen an oyster that produced twin golden pearls that were very large! We were like celebrities - all of the other Hawaiian ladies in the shop gathered around and were mesmerized.

It was quite hilarious, and we mimicked the ladies for the remainder of our trip.

Day 1 - Malama Kamehameha

Day 1 of our trip started out nothing less than adventurous. Our flight was scheduled to leave Phoenix at 6:00 am, so we woke up at the crack of dawn and planned to arrived at the airport no later than 5. Most of you know that I am a FREAK about schedules, I hate being late, and I'm obessessed with travel plans. Also, most of you know my family. So, it will come as no surprise to you that things didn't go as planned. In fact, when we arrived in Phoenix to check our bags we were so late that they weren't even going to let us on the plane. Fortunately, our bags got checked and we arrived at the gate just as they were boarding the plane. Much to our surprise and delight our bags got to Hawaii with us.

The flights were pretty uneventful and we landed in Hawaii around 11:30. PapaBear went to get the car while the rest of us gathered the luggage. I have long held the belief that there should be an age limit on tube top wearing, and while waiting for PapaBear to return, a perfect example of that pulled up:



Later in the day, we were driving to the north part of the island, when we encountered some road construction. Seemed normal until we saw the sign that said, "Seismic Retrofit in Progress." I'm not sure, but seismic retrofit does not sound pleasant to me. That actually sounds like a euphamism for earthquake.

One of our first tourist stops on the island was at the original statue of King Kamehameha. While there, the town drunk stopped to talk to my dad. He was full of interesting information. For example, the statue is the actual size of the king. And according to Match.mom, he wears a yellow thong...

I apologize that this last story can not be printed in it's entirety, but if you want to hear it in full, you can call me and I'll tell you... But suffice it to say that Malama does not mean "kill."

Hawaii - The Series

As many of you know, Match.Mom*, PapaBear, Diddy, and I recently took a business trip to Hawaii. It was an adventure to say the least. From kings to turtles to swinger weddings, we did it all. I will write the stories as a series for ease of reading, and they will probably be a day per post, but I can't make any promises becuase I just write the way it comes to me...

I hope you enjoy! (And if you want to have an adventure of your own, the four of us are willing to go on other people's vacations if they pay for us...)

Song of the Century

EID called me the other night from Hawaii laughing so hard that I could hardly understand her. She had found my theme song... For those of you who know the ins and outs of my late night conversations with Antique, this song will make much more sense to you. Listen to the words...especially the chorus.

A Roll of the Dice

On Friday of last week, Seaman came by the house to get the extra key. He is going to rent my third bedroom for a while so he can get away from his parents' house. (I don't blame him - I'm much more fun than his parents!!) So we sat in my kitchen and visited for a while and figured out that we were going to be enjoying some happy hour beverages at the same location later in the evening.

Flash forward to happy hour - which was more like a high school reunion, but enjoyable none the less. Seaman invites Rocket Scientist Barbie*, and Mustang* tries to have a conversation with her. Unfortunately, she isn't very friendly. Nor is she very smart. Mustang was not impressed. I left soon after she arrived so, sadly, I have no stories to share.

I assumed that Seaman was going to move in on Saturday, and when he didn't I figured he would do it on Sunday. Wrong again. However, yesterday, he decided, was the day to begin his transfer of things to my house.

So he arrives around 4 with nothing in his hands. We chat for a while as I finish my packing spreadsheet (don't laugh) for California. Then his phone rings. He mutters something about crazy girls and walks out the door. While he is outside my mom calls me and we are in the middle of a conversation when he returns with a duffel bag. After putting it in his room he goes back outside. I assume that he is going to get another load of things. I was wrong. He comes back in with Rocket Scientist Barbie behind him, both of them carrying cups from Sonic. I am still on the phone with my mom when I hear bags rustling and cupboards opening. Wanting him to feel at home, I just go on with my conversation. After I hang up the phone, RSB asks if I want some cottage cheese and pineapple. WHAT?? I politely decline, but join them in the kitchen. (Sometimes I try to be friendly - it doesn't happen often, but I do make an effort every now and again.)

So we're sitting in the kitchen at the bar and I'm writing myself a note when Seaman asks, "Do you want to go to the gym tonight?" I assume he's talking to his female companion and don't answer. After 45 seconds of silence, I look up and ask, "Were you talking to me?" RSB informs me that she doesn't go to the gym, so that leaves only me. We discuss the gym plans for a couple of minutes while she finishes up her after-school snack. I then commence packing and the two of them head for Seaman's room and close the door.

I'll take the time right now to let you know that the only things in that room are a bed, a trash can, and now a duffel bag. I continue to pack and every once in a while I hear her giggle. I wanted to go ahead and tell her that Seaman isn't that funny, but I let it slide.

I go back into the kitchen and realize that her purse is still sitting on the counter. My first thought is, This girl doesn't even know me - it probably isn't smart to leave her purse sitting on my counter. That thought is quickly erased when I realize that this isn't any ordinary purse we are dealing with. This is a metallic purple, Apple Bottom purse. (Apparently this purse was last year's style because I couldn't find it on the website. However, imagine the purse below in a metallic dark purple - with a more bowling ball bag style - got it? Good.)

But wait, it gets better. I had to drop some stuff off at my mom's house before I left for California, so I decided that now would be the time to do it. I open the garage, pull out in my very stylish car, and almost run into the neighbors' house because I'm laughing so hard. Not only does this girl carry a metallic purple, Apple Bottom purse - she drives a car the color of the purse pictured above, with hot pink polka dot fuzzy dice in the mirror. Are you kidding me??? I can not make this shit up!

As a random side note: I landed in Sacramento today for my never-ending tour of Cali and I found myself looking around for my Swisher-Sweet-smoking-boyfriend. I didn't find him. Sad.

Diddy and the Snake...

On Wednesday afternoon Diddy, Banana, and I headed out to M-town to visit Sissy. We were in separate cars coming from Casa Grande and I arrived first. I walked up to the door with my bags in my hands, but the kitchen door was locked, so I proceeded to the side door. As I got closer to the door I noticed a weird circle thing right in front of the door. I got pretty close to it before I realized that it was a snake. It was coiled up and sleeping. I jumped about 7 feet before I ran around to the front door to get Sissy. I grabbed her and we went to check it out. We really couldn't tell anything through the glass on the door, so we called Banana and Diddy and told them to be careful when they got there.

Once Diddy and Banana arrived, we all armed ourselves with a garden tool in preparation to kill the snake. (Really in preparation for Diddy to kill the snake - Banana and I were just back up.) So us two girls have shovels and Diddy has the hoe. As he starts to move furniture to get a good swing with the hoe, the snake wakes up and starts hissing at him. Diddy freaks out and Banana has to coach him to kill the snake.

Diddy takes his first swing at the snake and it tries to get away. This is when we realize that it was a rattlesnake. So he began swinging furiously! Sparks were flying every time the hoe hits the concrete, Banana and I were cheering, it was utter chaos! As Diddy hits the snake the last time, the head breaks off of the hoe and flies into the air. Luckily it didn't hit anyone and the snake was dead.

Turns out Diddy is more afraid of snakes than us girls. But he manned up and saved us last week! I am so proud!

WARNING: Graphic pictures below.

Reckless Motorcars

About a month ago, I ran into a guy that I went to high school with (we'll call him Doc*) that I hadn't seen in a couple of years. It was good to see him and we caught up over the weekend and have kept in touch ever since. So a couple of weeks ago, Doc joined my family in a trip up to our ranch to process cattle.

While we were at the ranch, we thought it would be fun to go through our senior yearbook and reminisce about old times. (Ok, so we wanted to go person by person and tell each other what we knew/had heard about them.) It was good fun and we laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore.

Well, I'm pretty sure that activity cursed me... Since that time on the porch of the ranch house, I have randomly seen people that we went to high school with everywhere. I bet I've seen more people in the past couple of weeks than I have since we graduated. Not just normal people, the most random people in the most random places. He, of course, thinks this is hilarious - I am not quite as amused.

Flash forward to the present: last night Banana and I were going to a concert of two bands that we enjoy a lot! They are not well known bands (or so we thought), but their music rocks and it's always fun to see them live. We pull in to the parking lot of the club where they will be playing and there are a ton of people on the patio smoking and drinking so I look over and see a girl that I graduated high school with. I'm not the biggest fan of this girl - she's gone a little crazy since high school and we really have nothing to talk about - so I pretty much spent the first part of the night trying to avoid her.

As if this wasn't enough, Banana (who hails from a small town about 2 hours north of where we were standing) looks over at the bar and sees two people that she went to high school with. Then our other friend (from a small town 3 hours south of where we were standing) runs into two girls that she grew up with. What are the chances?

After we had successfully dodged all of our old high school "buddies" we were standing near the stage enjoying the show when a large guy came up behind me and literally invaded my personal space. It was totally uncomfortable! He stood there for a while and then moved and somehow ended up next to me. I'm enjoying the concert, but can see him out of the corner of my eye. Every thirty seconds or so he would turn and basically stare at me. (I was kind of getting freaked out...) After about 10 minutes of this he leans over to me and the following conversation ensues:

Large Guy*: Do you have a sister named SuperFan?

Me: Yes.

LG: You look identical.

Me: I know, but we're not.

LG: I thought you were her.

Me: I'm not.

Essentially he thought that him knowing SuperFan made he and I friends. He was wrong.

In other random, concert news Banana ran into her hometown vet and his family and Honker's hand twin was there. Quite hilarious. I'm still laughing at how much the guy reminded me of Honker - uncanny resemblance really. Uncanny.

Brilliant!!!

IT and I had lunch today at Postino - which is super delish - I recommend it to everyone! It was IT's first time there so we enjoyed a leisurely lunch and then sauntered over to LGO to check it out and perhaps get some dessert. And what did we find there??

That's right - a shot of frosting. How brilliant is that?? Banana will be soooo excited!!!

You Had To Be There...

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...

I wasn't on the USS Minnow, but it probably would have helped me last week as I drove from Globe to the airport to pick up RedShirt* so he could speak at our meeting on Friday.

It was going to be a long trip and EID agreed to ride with me to keep me company. Prior to leaving Globe, I got a call from my mom - she had forgotten her clothes at home and needed me to drive to her house (about an hour out of the way) before picking RedShirt up so that she wouldn't have to wear the same thing for the next three days.

So, off EID and I went on our adventure. Keep in mind that everyone else at the convention was going to have a steak dinner and then watch the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band in concert while we spent hours on the road. We were not excited.

As we drove through Superior it started raining pretty hard, which wouldn't normally be a problem, but Tyler* is due for some new wiper blades and I haven't had the time to get them yet. But we manage through the storm and continue down the road. About 15 miles outside of Apache Junction the sky got dark and the monsoon began. There was lightening everywhere and every ten minutes or so one would strike really close and practically blind us. Then all of the sudden we came to a complete stop. Literally - no one was moving. EID was freaking out - being from California she had never seen a monsoon before and she thought we were going to get struck by lightening.

It starts to become clear that we are not going to be able to make it to my parents' house to get the clothes - we may not even make it to the airport on time. So I call my mom to tell her that she needs to find someone to pick them up and bring them to me near the airport.

After about 30 minutes of sitting there, traffic begins to move again. Five minutes after that - the sky opens up and we are in a torrential downpour! Literally, even if I had wiper blades that worked, they wouldn't have been able to keep up with the rain.

My cousin, Clarendon*, had agreed to pick up the clothes and meet me near the airport. As EID and I make our way to the meeting location, we are wishing that we had a Go-Go-Gadget car that turned into a boat because the highway was literally beginning to flood.

To make a long story short, we get the clothes and head to the airport. Turns out RedShirt's plane can't land in Phoenix because of the storm so they have been diverted to Las Vegas. We decide to rent him a car and head back to Globe before we get stuck in a flash flood.

It rained on us all the way back to Globe, but we survived - barely.

The greatest part of this story is that on the way back to Globe my mom called to tell us about their night. They all walk over to the arena for the concert and get settled in. The band begins to play and then it begins to rain - really hard. (Apparently whoever built the arena didn't plan for it to ever rain because at one point my mom went to the bathroom and there was water coming out of the light fixtures. ) In the middle of the concert, the lights go out and water starts rushing into the arena, flooding the place. (Word on the street is that lightening struck, which caused the power outage.) The band decides not to go back on - you know that whole water-and-electricity-don't-mix thing - but no one can leave the arena because it is raining so hard outside. So they sit there in the dark with water running from one end of the place to the other. Gives a whole new meaning to "Fishin' in the Dark..."

Running, Running, Running

Ok - I ran while I was in Globe this week, but I didn't open my computer once while I was there so you'll have to miss out on the stats. Just know that I'm increasing my longest running time and I'll be back in business this week as I'm home all week!

Go World!

Have you seen the Olympic Commercials that NBC is running? The ones with the inspirational stories from years past? The one with Kerri Strug sticking the vault on two torn tendons to win the Gold for the USA?!?!?!

Yeah, I'm so freaking excited for the Olympics to start - I've already set my DVR to record every minute of it!! (Well, not the part on the Spanish Channel - although I thought it would be kind of fun to listen to it in Spanish...)

Runaround Sue...

Day 1 of my running blog:

Total Time: 30 minutes (alternate run/walk)

Longest Run Sequence: 4 minutes

Total Calories: 307*

*My heart rate monitor wigged out a little in the middle of the run, so I'm not sure how accurate that count is.

It was quite humid outside this morning, and I think I need new running shoes. But it was a successful run.

I Was Running...

Ok, readers, we're going to take this blog in a slightly different direction for a bit. That's not to say that you are going to miss out on the crazy, random happenings in my life - when they happen, I will definitely post about them. However, in the interim, you will all be able to track my training progress for my half marathon in January. Starting tomorrow, I will post each day on the training regimen. Tune in to follow the fun...

This One's for You, JP*

Ok, boys and girls, gather around me here on the story time carpet. It's time to share the dramatic saga of some small town folks.

SuperFan has this friend - we'll call her Dr. Pepper (DP)*. DP had a rather strange life - she grew up living with her grandparents because her mom had some issues. (When I say issues, I am referring to men/marriage issues.) DP is one of those girls who can not live without a boyfriend. Seriously, she always has one, but never the same one for more than, oh, three seconds.

Then there is LJ*. LJ has bad taste in women. Right after high school he was dating this girl LW*. I can not stand LW!!!! Everytime she sees Bunner she runs up to him with her chest sticking out and rubs her boobs against him! Boobs that LJ bought while they were dating. (And according to Lynsky* - she broke up with him before the stitches were healed.)

So, about a month ago, DP and LJ met for the first time. And last week, they got engaged. The ridiculousness of this proposal is more than words can describe! The wedding is scheduled to take place on Oct. 10, 2009 - the general consensus is that her grandparents required a long engagement because they don't think it's going to last.

If you feel the same, there is a pool in a certain Ag Co-op in Tucson that you can get in for $5 and choose the week that it will all end...

The Loves of My Life...

For some reason the urge has struck me to make a list of things I currently (and some I have always) love(d)...

So, dear readers, enjoy your journey into the mystery that is my mind.

• The Next Food Network Star - seriously, great show.

• My new boots
  

• Jessica Simpson - for wearing this shirt and for making shoes that MA, Glinda, and I can spend so many hours making fun of

• "That's what she said" jokes - perhaps these aren't as funny when I'm not with the IC, but I don't know.

• Commercials with a shirtless Michael Phelps - seriously, is there anything hotter than a swimmers body? Wardrobe...

• My bangs - the craziness that has come from getting bangs is out of control.

• My iPod - mostly I think I'm loving really getting into the lyrics of songs I already have downloaded.

• The rules that Beckham and I are creating.

• Last weekend. The randomness and hilarity were unbeatable.

• Planning road trips. And making soundtracks.

• People's weird travel rituals. (For example, today I was on a flight home from El Paso, which is like a 55 minute flight or something, and the guy across the aisle put in ear plugs and wore an eye mask to take a nap.)

• Facebook messaging during conference calls.

• Random text messages from people I love.

Just When You Think You're All By Yourself...

It is funny to me how things happen just when you need them to. A couple of weeks ago, I posted about my birthday coming up and some goals I had for my next year in life. I think that came from me realizing that I needed to make some changes in my life.

So, as many of you know, I am deeply involved in a leadership organization for high school sophomores. This year, I was in charge of the annual seminar. I had a volunteer staff and committee, but I had to make sure it all came together. I was responsible for 150 15 and 16 year olds for 4 days. In the month leading up to the seminar I was seriously questioning my sanity for agreeing to take on this position. I actually thought of not returning for the following year. Yet, the seminar came around and it went amazingly well! There were some hiccups, but it came together nicely. It was just what I needed, just when I needed it.

In addition, I have found some of the greatest friends in the world. I love all of my friends, but this group of people have helped me to learn so much about myself in the last week and a half. Two years ago, Glinda and I decided to be friends outside of the seminar. It was wildly successful and we tried to get Ritzy* to join us in our friendship last year, but it didn't work out. So at this year's seminar there was a group of us that just seemed to bond. We call ourselves the IC and we have big plans for our friendship throughout the year.

I really need these people at this time in my life. So, in addition to Glinda and Ritzy, plan to see more of Cross Country* (CC), Miss Arizona* (MA), Beckham*, Such-n-such*, and Cribs*.

Congrats

Congratulations to Banana and Bunner! They got engaged this weekend!

I'm so happy for them! (And only a little bit jealous...)

In My 28th Year...

As many of you know, I will be celebrating my 27th birthday soon. During the past year I feel like my life has changed quite a bit - some good, some bad - but all have helped me to grow.

With that in mind, I am making a list of things that I would like to accomplish in my 28th year in this world. Some are tangible, others are not, but all are important to me. So if you can help me to be successful in accomplishing these goals, I would appreciate your support.

1. Run a half marathon.

2. Recognize all of my insecurities and address them.

3. Learn to live life in the moment. Quit looking at what comes next or worrying about what doesn't.

4. Focus more on healthy living. Mentally and physically.

5. Take at least one non-work trip to a place I've never been.

6. Make a concerted effort to tell people how I feel rather than keep it inside.

As is typical of my always racing mind, I'm sure I'll come up with more as the year goes on. But I feel like we have a good start on a great year here!

A Logistical Nightmare...

So a while back, Diddy, EID, and I were having lunch together. If I haven't mentioned it before, EID is one of the funniest people I know.

Somehow we got on the topic of cats, and our hatred for the creatures. EID proceeded to tell Diddy and I the story of a party that she went to at a friend's house. Said friend had cats, and even worse, had an automatic litterbox - you know, one that sweeps the litter back and forth every 30 seconds or so - in the kitchen. So there they were at the party, in the kitchen, with all of the party food, and a litterbox stirring up litterbox dust every 30 seconds. According to EID - it was a logistical nightmare!

So in honor of that story, I've decided to craft a list of logisitical nightmares that I have run across recently:

• A small child wearing roller skates in the airport. No, I'm not kidding, folks. And I'm not even talking about those stupid shoes with little wheels hidden in the heels (which are a logistical nightmare in themselves). I am talking about full-blown, 4-wheel, roller skates. Did he have no other shoes to wear?
• A child who appeared to be no younger than 5 wearing diapers. Really? Does he still breastfeed too?

• A woman walking down the street with (and I'm not making this up) a bird cage strapped to the front of her. It was like a Baby Bjorn, but for a bird.

• People who don't look in the mirror before leaving their house - like a guy in cut-off jean daisy dukes. (Diddy would like to remind everyone - Check yourself before you wreck yourself.)

• Old people at the airport. No commentary needed.

• The women's bathroom at the Renaissance Glendale. I wish I would have taken a picture, but picture this - you walk in and the sinks are immediately to your right. You have to walk past the sinks (away from the door) to get to the paper towels to dry your hands. What civil engineer couldn't figure out that drying came after washing?
• This sink. Can you imagine the water spots on the glass?!?!?! And how awkward is the location of the hand towel?

Stay Beautiful

Picture this - I'm at the Sacramento Airport, waiting inside the doors near baggage claim for my ride, (mostly because it is freezing outside) gathering all of my belongings together, not really paying attention to the people around me. A man who works for an airline (obvious by the airline sweatshirt he was wearing) walks by me to go outside and says, "Hi, how are you?" Being polite (and caught a little off guard) I smile and say hello back. He goes out the doors and sits down to smoke what looked like a Swisher Sweet (hot - I know!). I continue to stand inside watching for my ride to pull up.

About ten minutes later he walks back in and comes closer to me and says, "Stay beautiful." What do you say to that? "Really? I was thinking about getting ugly, but now that you've requested that, I'll take it into consideration." Seriously - what a random thing to say. But I just smiled at him and went about my business. Figuring that he was now off of his smoke break and inside, it would be safer for me outside - I moved out to the curb to wait.

As is typical, things did not go my way. While waiting on the curb, he came back outside.

Airport Guy: So, do you live in Sacramento?

Me: No.

AG: Where are you from?

Me: Arizona.

AG: It's hot there.

Me: Yeah.

AG: Do you live in Phoenix?

Me: (For ease of answering) Yes.

AG: How long are you in town?

Me: Just a couple of days for work.

AG: Oh. For work, huh?

Me: Yes.

AG: (stands there awkwardly for what felt like forever) Well, have a good trip. You really are beautiful.

And so goes the story of my life, attracting all of the men I have no interest in and none of the ones I do...

A Wedding Story...

As you read in a previous post, I am the poster child for "Always a bridesmaid, never the bride." Well, this weekend was another one of those stints. Let me take you back to the beginning of this story...

I met Bridezilla* my sophomore year of college when we joined the same sorority. We hung out a little that first year, but it wasn't until the next year that we really became friends. For some reason she came home with me for a long weekend and from that point on we were really close! I was a year ahead of her in school and the year after I graduated we drifted apart, but caught back up around the time she graduated and have been long-distance friends ever since.

One of the things that defined Bridezilla in college was her obsession with the TLC show, A Wedding Story. Seriously, the whole sorority knew that when that was on, she would be in the TV room and silence should reign. (This should give you a clue as to her freakishness with weddings...)

So, let's flashback to about a year ago. Bridezilla calls me to tell me that Lobster* has proposed to her. (I was either just about to be in a wedding or had just finished a wedding stint, I can't remember.) Knowing that they live in Northern California and this is where the wedding will be held, I said, in what I thought was a very polite tone, "Please don't feel like you have to ask me to be in your wedding. My feelings won't be hurt and I know that your Cali friends are hyper-sensitive, so I don't want them to be mad at you." She says, "Don't be stupid, of course you'll be in my wedding."

So as the wedding drew closer, Bridezilla talked about when she wanted us in town, etc. She had asked that we come to town on Thursday for a wedding party get together since the bridesmaids and groomsmen really didn't know each other. Then on Friday we would get our nails done and have the rehearsal and dinner. Obviously, Saturday would be the wedding. Since I was not able to make it to the Bridal Shower and Bachelorette weekend, I thought it would be nice if I arrived on Thursday to be a good bridesmaid. But, in an effort to save money (as has been discussed in earlier posts - I am single and pay my own bills), I asked if I could stay with her that night. She said of course and things were set.

Now, we'll fast forward to the wedding time. I flew into Oakland on Thursday afternoon and (again, trying to be accommodating) took BART to Pleasanton so that no one would have to drive to Oakland to get me. But don't kid yourself - this apparently was not accommodating enough - she could not be bothered to pick me up from the BART station (which is all of 10 minutes from her house), she actually could not even be bothered to take my phone call when I arrived at the BART station. I was in the hands of her sister. Being that I had flown through the lunch hour when I arrived in Pleasanton I was starving. So I asked her sister if we could grab some lunch - she actually had to check with Bridezilla. Luckily for everyone involved she said lunch was permissible and I didn't have to take someone's head off.

I won't bore you with all of the details of the drama that was the wedding, but I do want to hit a couple of highlights:

- When I got to the house for the first time and met one of the groomsmen, he was having the following conversation with Bridezilla:

Bridezilla: How is (insert ridiculous name of cat) doing?

Groomsman: A little better - he is at the vet right now and they did a liver biopsy this morning so we are waiting on those results.

Bridezilla: Wow - I hope he's ok.

Groomsman: Yeah, we can't figure out what is was that would have made him sick, but he started acting strange so we took him to the vet. They did some tests and found an increased level of bilirubin.

Seriously folks, I can't make this shit up. Do you know how much it must have cost to have a liver biopsy done on a cat??? If you have this much money just laying around, please feel free to pay for my seafoam green bridesmaid dress...

- Above mentioned groomsman and his girlfriend took the only extra bed in the house that I had been offered to sleep at and I had to sleep on the floor.

- I wore a seafoam green bridesmaid dress that was too big for me. Enough said.

- Bro* and I got yelled at by the other bridesmaids at least 3 times for doing things so ridiculous as going to the bathroom without first asking permission.

In the end, the wedding was a good time. Bro and I danced the night away and I woke up the next morning with my hips hurting (how old am I??).

I am just happy that the wedding is over and I don't have to be in another one until IT or Superfan decide to get hitched...