Herbisms...

Last week Granny B forced my cousins and me to organize a lunch together. It was hell trying to find a day and time that worked, but once it was done, I was so glad that we did!

First of all, I hadn't seen my Texas Cousins in six years - and let me tell you - they have grown up!

Second of all, we had a blast!

They reminded me of some things and inspired this post.

I was lucky enough to grow up with all four of my grandparents alive and near me. I realize now how rare that actually is. As a child, we spent a lot of time with our grandparents, but mostly with Granny B and Popie*. Sissy, YogaHippy*, and I used to have slumber parties at their house all of the time. During these slumber parties we would play church, make up dances, swim, run around the farm, and just generally have a good time.

Some of my favorite memories were on the farm as a child.

Our Popie was great! He would drive us to the store and let us each pick out a candy, or take us to Sav-Mart to buy Snickers for the freezees that Granny B would make us after dinner. He would spend all day sitting on a chair by the pool while we swam - and let me tell you, three elementary aged girls can swim for a number of hours without breaks.

But more than anything, Popie had the greatest sayings.

When we would go to Sav-Mart to get Snickers, we would always get Poore Brother Salt & Vinegar chips too. And undoubtedly, he would say to us, "You're gonna be a fatso like Popie." It makes me laugh just to type it.

Us girls always thought that it was a lot of fun to climb up into the cotton trailers on the farm. However, in our infinite wisdom, we never thought that there was only a ladder on the outside of the trailers - the theory being that once it is full of cotton, you wouldn't need a ladder to get out. Nonetheless, we'd climb up there and get stuck. And Popie would come around and help us get out.

Allegedly, when Match.mom and Xou were younger and they would do things like that he would tell them, "If you can't get down, fall down." But that was never the case with his granddaughters.

If ever you complained about something in front of him, he would say, "If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis."

And you never said that you wished for something in front of him without getting, "You can wish in one hand, and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."

I know that there are more sayings, but I just can't think of them.

For a majority of my high school years, Popie had to have kidney dialysis. For some reason, Granny B would always call on me when she needed help. So there was many a summer day that I would either take him to dialysis or pick him up. I used to hate doing it. But looking back now, I would give anything for one more long car ride with him. To talk about nothing in particular.

When he passed away my freshman year of college, I was devastated. I still remember where I was when Match.mom called me. And that IT took me to see Girl, Interrupted to get my mind off of it. Probably not the best movie choice, but it was the thought that counted.

Sissy and I decided that we would like to write a poem to read at the funeral with YogaHippy. Below is the poem.

I still don't know how we got through it at the funeral without breaking down.

I can't do that today.

For nineteen years he watched us grow,
There wasn't anything he didn't know.
Mr. Arizona he was known to be,
To us, our Popie, more importantly.

He used to take us to the store at Hassayampa,
Just me, and me, and me, and grandpa.
We laughed all the way because he'd drive so slow,
We never thought we'd get where we wanted to go.

What about when we wanted to swim,
We couldn't do it without him.
He'd sit outside and watch us play,
All afternoon, day after day.

Up into the cotton trailers we would climb,
Even though we got stuck every time.
We were far from brave, but we never feared,
We knew it wouldn't be long until his pick-up truck appeared.

Even though we must have been pains,
We never heard our Popie complain.
He picked us up and chauffeured us around,
He wasn't the type to let anyone down.

Now he's with God in Heaven above,
We send him our prayers, we send him our love.
There's one more thing we want him to know,
Popie - We miss you so.

A Christmas Letter...

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to EID and we were discussing Christmas cards and letters. Neither of us had pulled ourselves together enough to get cards out the door in time for the holiday. She asked me if I was going to send out a Christmas letter. I laughed.

What was I going to write? I started the year with one job. The economy sucks. I got a new job. The end.

And besides that - who cares what I have to say about the year that just passed?

Then I had lunch with my cousins this week and I started thinking about life and decided that I would write a letter.

You may still not care what I have to say, and that's fine. I'm writing it anyway.

Dear Family and Friends:

What a year!

I began the year in subzero temperatures in Nowhere, Nevada, working for the cattlemen. My travels for work took me all over the southwest. I made a lot of new friends (and probably a few enemies), but it was all worth it. I enjoyed every minute!

In March, due to a scheduling miracle, I was able to be at the hospital when nephew #2, TinySmalls, was born! I truly love being an aunt! It is very special and the love that I have for those two little boys overwhelms me sometimes.

In April, Bunner and Banana got married. It was a blast! Diddy and I danced up a storm!

In the beginning of June, I spent a week in North Dakota for work. I traveled all over the state and enjoyed it immensely. However, on the last day of my visit, when it started snowing, I was reminded of why I live in the desert! Give me sunshine and heat every day of the week!

Over Labor Day, I traveled to Squaw Valley with Dirty Shirley on a Girls' Weekend. It was an amazingly good time!

I continue to feel the tug of adulthood pulling from every direction.

I started a new job in October. The political bug started to rear it's ugly head and I couldn't stay away any longer. It has been a great move for me and I'm really enjoying what I'm doing!

I attended the funeral for a friend's mom in September and then walked in her memory in the Breast Cancer 3-Day in November.

A few friendships ended this year, which makes me sad. However, I have also made a number of new friends that I believe will continue long into the future.

As I look at my family, and the wonderful love that we share, I am reminded of how lucky I am.

I have had many blessings in life and I count each one of you among those.

I look forward to the many adventures that we will share in the years to come!

Much Love,
Airplane

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

I actually have nothing against the rain, except that I am not dressed appropriately for it.

You see, IT flew in yesterday for Christmas and we had a slumber party at her parents' house last night.

So yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work I was also packing for the slumber party and today.

I don't typically look at the weather ahead of time. I usually gauge the day's weather on my morning run or by looking out the window of my house. This is how I decide on what I'm going to wear.

But yesterday I had to choose what I was going to wear today and I was running late so I just had to grab something quick. (This is the problem with slumber parties on school nights...I totally get why Match.mom was against these.)

So, here I sit, in my office, looking very cute in my polka-dotted dress, with goosebumps all over my body.

The Details

As I mentioned previously, I inadvertently left out some details from the Vegas trip. This really was not intentional, it is difficult to remember everything when posting a blog, but I try.

So, here's the rest of the story...

When we were planning the Vegas trip, Dirty and I decided that I would bring the liquor (since I was driving) and she would bring the flask (since I don't have one.) So when I was packing the ice chest, I also threw in some tiny water bottles so we could hydrate in between drunken nights.

Friday night rolls around and we are getting ready to go out when Dirty informs me that she forgot to pack the flask. Never fear, I'm very resourceful! We'll just drink the water out of two of these little bottles and fill them up with whiskey and vodka. Brilliant! We hide the bottles in some bags in our purses and off we go.

Now that I think of it, this little bottle of whiskey could be responsible for the incident in the revolving door and on the Monorail bench. When we got in the cab to head to South Point for the rodeo, Dirty was drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle. I don't think that's ever a good idea.

On Saturday, while we were at the Sands waiting for O'Connor to arrive, we decided that we needed to sit down for a minute and regroup. So armed with BM's we found a bench that was the perfect size for the three of us and proceeded to people-watch for a very long time. It was hilarious! I think that people-watching is one of my favorite pastimes. Do you think I can start listing that as a hobby?

Either way, we saw some pretty funny things.

First of all, there was a group standing not too far from us and one of their friends walked up and said, very loudly, "I'm about liquor drunk." After a long discussion about what other kind of drunk he could be, Diddy and I decided that he wasn't very smart and left it at that.

Around that time, a girl walked by with Pocahontas boots on and Diddy started making Indian noises only to turn and find that two large Native American women were walking behind her. They were not impressed with his antics.

In a random coincidence, CageFighter was also in Vegas that weekend. However, he was there to participate in a grappling tournament. On Saturday, after securing the bronze (I know, who gets third?) in the advanced category, he started drinking. Which led to texting me incessantly. It's not really important what the text messages said, just suffice it to say, he still loves me.

On the ride home, in an effort to entertain us, O'Connor started a fun game of 20 questions. These weren't normal questions - they were crazy off the wall questions! For example: Would you rather let someone pick any tattoo they want for you to put on whatever part of your body they chose or be the worst kisser in the world?

I think you get the picture. It wasn't a normal drive.

Boys, Boys, Boys

Ok, one more and then I'll get back to Vegas.

I promise!

I was talking to JP the other day. We were discussing our love lives.

JP was telling me that she isn't currently dating anyone because she hangs out with the same people every weekend. And something about these people being a group of guys and no guy is going to hit on a girl who is surrounded by guys.

It sounded so familiar.

Then I thought about this story:

When I was a sophomore in college I joined a sorority (I know - you're shocked!) And for Spring Fling, our sorority was scheduled to sell ice cream bars with one of the fraternities on campus. This happened to be an ag fraternity and we happened to spend a lot of time with them. That's actually not really important to the story. Oh well.

So, as you can probably imagine there was a schedule made and everyone had to work a certain number of shifts and there were usually members from both houses there. One particular night, I was scheduled to work an evening shift and then IT and Peach were going to meet me at the carnival and we were going to ride all of the spinning rides (I think it was wristband night or something.) So it happened to have rained all day that day and was raining into the evening, during my shift. The carnival was obviously a temporary set up so the booths consisted of wooden frames topped with tarps. As it would rain, the tarps would fill up with water, then every ten minutes or so the wind would blow just right to lift the tarp up and all of the water would come down the sides of the booth.

So logic would tell you to stand right in the middle of the booth, right?

That's what I did.

It also happened that for some reason there were no other girls on that particular shift.

So, when IT and Peach walked up to get me what they found was - me, standing in the middle of the booth, literally surrounded by a circle of frat boys.

And do you know what they said?

"Typical."

Bearing Gifts We Traverse Afar

Ok, so I very inadvertently left out some details from Vegas, and I will work on a post that includes them.

But now, a break in our regularly scheduled programming.

I gave O'Connor his Christmas gift today and it inspired this post.

I love giving gifts!

More than I can express in words.

I love coming up with a gift that I think a person will love.

I love picking it out.

I love wrapping it up.

And I love watching them open it and seeing the joy in their face.

There is really nothing that makes me happier than to give someone a gift meant just for them, that they truly enjoy.

And if you live far away from me and I send you a gift, it makes my heart warm to think of you opening it up and enjoying it.

I love gift-giving so much, that I have a hard time keeping gifts a secret and not giving them before it's time.

I'm afraid that someday when someone lives with me, and I buy their gifts, and hide them in the closet all wrapped up and pretty, I'm not going to be able to wait for the occasion to give it them.

That's all.

True Love

It's official.

I'm in love.

With Las Vegas during the National Finals Rodeo.

Actually I think I'm just in love with the National Finals Rodeo. Going to Vegas during one of the weekends it is going on just enhances that love.

And I'm in love with cowboys. Even rodeo cowboys.

And I'm in love with my new shark boots. Even though Bruce's dad had to die for them.

Maybe I should start from the beginning.

Dirty Shirley, Diddy, and I headed to Vegas last Friday to join in on the festivities of the NFR. Diddy and I had never participated in this particular activity so Dirty was going to be our guide.

Early Friday morning (though not as early as I would have liked) Diddy and I loaded into Tyler and headed west. I am sure that you can imagine the hilarity of a four hour car ride with the two of us. We did not disappoint this time, it just so happened that no one was there to benefit from it.

When we finally arrived in Vegas, we headed to the airport to pick up Dirty. Then it was off to the Hilton (H-I-L-T-O-N) - our home until Sunday. We made it to our room, dropped off our luggage, and headed to the convention center for a little shopping and a lot of alcohol! On the elevator on our way down there was a couple who were both pulling suitcases and one of them had an open 18-pack of Miller Lite and a man with only one spur on (we still don't know where the other was and we didn't see his horse parked outside). So no one says anything in the elevator, although I was thinking, you did something wrong if you're leaving with the beer. Then, as if I had spoken those words aloud, the man said, "We are changing hotels. This is the worst hotel in Vegas. Just look at the people walking around here, it's trashier than every other casino here." The rest of us just stood there. Seriously? The Hilton is the least classy? I think he used the wrong word.

The convention center shopping was successful for Dirty and we all imbibed on a few alcoholic beverages, ran into a lot of people we knew, and witnessed some really bad fashion! Then it was back to the hotel to get ready for the night.

We had dinner at the MGM and then headed to South Point to watch the rodeo and buckle presentations. Thanks to Diddy's quick thinking, we sat down at some video poker machines near the bar with the TVs and each put a dollar in and drank free casino drinks while enjoying the events. Once that was over, we headed into the auditorium for some live music and awards. We were lucky to find a table and enjoyed a few dances and a lot of drinks. Some of us more than others. At the end of the buckle presentations, and five minutes after the last time I looked at them, I turned around to Dirty and Diddy and they were 3M hammered! Dirty was watching the stage with one eye closed and Diddy was feeling his face to make sure it was still there. I believe that those are both international signs that it is time to leave the bar, so we headed out.

Our great plan to avoid paying an exorbitant cab fee was to take a cab to the MGM and then Monorail from the MGM to the Hilton. We got to the taxi stand and were approached by a gentleman who said that we could share a ride to Harrah's with another couple for $25. Deal. When we arrived at Harrah's, we had to walk through the revolving door and Diddy and I were in the compartment (is that what those are called?) behind Dirty. So in the middle of this particular door there was a gold platform that looked a little like a seat, however, it was not - it was slanted and when Dirty tried to sit on it, she slid right off. Onto the floor. While the door continued to revolve. So she stuck a leg out, which I'm pretty sure was dangerous. Luckily, Diddy and I made it out of our compartment in enough time to pull her out of hers and all was well.

Until we got to the Monorail station, where Dirty fell off a bench and hit her head on the concrete. Then Dirty and Diddy slept the whole way to the H-I-L-T-O-N and proceeded to fall down some stairs before we got to our room. Once we got to our room, Diddy decided that he was hungry and needed to order chicken strips and fries. However, Dirty was so drunk that she pulled an "Airplane" and passed out before the food arrived. Then prior to going to sleep Diddy drank the remainder of the blue cheese dressing that came with the chicken. Then kept saying to me, "I just drank the blue cheese. That was gross. Why did I do that?" (I am laughing hysterically just remembering it.)

Day two got started a little late because everyone was moving slow, but after a 10:30 am breakfast, Diddy and I were ready for some more BM's! This time we were off to the Sands for shopping and waiting for O'Connor to arrive. The Sands proved to be a bigger success in the shopping department as all three of us found a pair of boots that we couldn't live without.

Mine are brown. Shark skin. Beautiful.

I know. You're jealous. And it's about to get worse.

I got them for half-price.

I know!

But, back to the story.

Before coming across these boots, we came across the most wonderful bartender who let us make our own BM's. Like she poured the vodka and mix and we got to add the fixings. I added horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, celery salt, and pepper. It was heavenly!

Then Janiac* and O'Connor arrived and the fun began (well continued). After having a few apps and some drinks at TKE, we headed back to the room to get dressed and hit the town!

Then it was off to South Point for the rodeo and live music! We had a blast! (Although I will say that the next morning everyone agreed that we didn't have as much fun as we could have.)

I taught O'Connor how to dance and we all danced the night away. Again, when we returned to the room, chicken strips were ordered, but everyone stayed awake until they arrived.

The next morning, Dirty awoke around 7 am and began doing calisthenics in the room, which woke everyone else up. After a late breakfast, everyone hit the road.

The drive home with O'Connor and Diddy was HILARIOUS, even though we had to sit in DAM traffic for an hour. I'm sure there were things that would be worth writing about, but I can't remember.

Either way, go ahead and assume the trip was a success and we will be there again next year!

Excuse Me, 1921 Called...

So on Friday night I had dinner with CageFighter. It was a rather interesting experience.

I hadn't seen him in a number of years, but we have emailed, talked on the phone, and IMed throughout all of those years. On a fairly regular basis, he told me that he loved me since high school. Which I didn't believe. Apparently, he wasn't kidding.

But that's not really the funny part of the story. The funny part was at the restaurant.

We went to Applebee's, which is by no standards, a fine-dining establishment. When our waiter came to the table to get our drink orders I was a little creeped out by him. Then, he came back for our dinner orders... He kneels down and says, "Ladies first. Unless the gentleman is going to order for the lady." It was pure shock that kept me from laughing in his face. Was he kidding me??

First of all, I can order for myself. Second of all, we are at Applebee's. Give me a freaking break.

Still Catching Up?

Apparently, I am still trying to catch up. I am very sorry!

I don't even know if anyone reads this blog anymore - and I'm sorry for that, because this is where it all started!

So, I'll just catch you up on a little bit of life - it may not be funny, but it'll be true...

As I mentioned in the previous post, I started a new job in October. I am now working for Red Baron, and I'm enjoying it greatly! I share an office with O'Connor* and he is pretty awesome!

Last month, I went to Reno with Dirty Shirley and we had a BLAST!! Probably drank a little too much, but you're only young once, you know? EID was there with her new boyfriend. He seemed nice enough, but really boring! And apparently having a boyfriend makes EID no fun. She went to bed early every night. I was highly disappointed.

The next weekend, Dirty and I participated in the Breast Cancer 3-Day in San Diego - it was a truly AMAZING experience. I participated in the walk in 2006 as well and it's funny how much you forget in three years.

This year I walked in honor of a good friend's mom, who passed away in September. I think that may have made the experience a little different for me.

Next weekend Dirty, Diddy, and I are headed to Vegas for the NFR. A good time is sure to be had by all!

A Lot of Catching Up To Do...

Wow - I have really been a bad blogger for the last month. I'm sorry.

I started a new job at the beginning of October and, as they say, time flies when you're having fun.

I am sure that a lot has happened between Sept. 27 and today, and I'll sit down and get it on this virtual paper in the next couple of days for you.

I am heading to Reno this week with Dirty Shirley and I'm sure there will be some stories to come out of that! EID, Honker, and Antique will be there as well.

Good times!

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

I went on another date yesterday. It was a disaster!

To begin with, I had reservations about this guy.

First of all, he was 40 years old and was the youngest of seven children. That means that there is a good chance that his siblings are the age of my parents. He could easily have nephews my age.

Second of all, even his emails were awkward. I think that we have discussed before that I tend to attract awkward people. Match.mom says that it is because I am so comfortable with talking to people. Apparently those without that quality find it fascinating. Either way - I can only handle so much.

But, in the spirit of putting myself out there, I agreed to meet him. He lives on the other side of the Valley and since I was going to be on that side of town for a funeral it made sense to get together. He decided that we would meet at the mall.

As I stood there waiting for him, I got a text from IT, I was about to return it when I looked up and saw him walking towards me. At that point, I literally started saying, out loud, to myself, "Take a deep breath. Don't run away. Don't run away."

As mentioned above, and to him in the planning of this date, I was attending a funeral prior to our date. So, logic would tell you that I was going to be at least a little dressed up. This guys shows up in what can only be described as marginal yardwork clothing.

His shirt has to have been purchased somewhere around the time I was going to kindergarten. It was seafoam green and grey striped. And it was not tucked into his pants, which at time of purchase were probably light jean, and yesterday were closer to absolutely ridiculous.

Now, let me back up for a minute and tell you that I am not freakish about tucking shirts in. I like the untucked polo look if you pull it together right. Also, I'm not all crazy about men's fashion in the beginning (Match.mom always says that when you start buying their clothes, you can change it). However, if you can not figure out that you should put a little effort into your first date outfit, we have a problem.

In addition to this disaster of an outfit, he had man boobs (henceforth referred to as moobs). Clearly, I'm not the person to be judging people by their weight, however if you are a male and approaching a B cup, it is time to do something. And, he may or may not have been cross-eyed. All together, it was just more than I could take.

Then, within ten minutes of sitting down, he tells me that A. he has no use for George W. Bush or his father, and B. wants to debate cattle pen sizes.

Recently, I was telling a friend of mine that I don't know how to pretend to be anything but what I am. And I am sure that when he said those two things, my expression said, "Are you effing kidding me?!?!" And pretty much after that it was all downhill.

I actually thought about going to the bathroom and finding a back exit, but karma is a bigger bitch than me and I don't want her against me.

Chopsticks

I almost forgot - Diddy and I had dinner at PJ Fangs the other night and I was sitting with my back to the restaurant. At the beginning of our meal, Diddy pointed out an old couple to me. He had his napkin tucked into his shirt and we decided that true love is not caring that your partner is eating his meal like that.

When the old couple got up to leave, Diddy noticed that the lady was taking her chopsticks with her.

She must have some paint to stir also.

Which reminds me - Xou Xou called today. Granny B had hand surgery this morning and Xou and Match.mom were at her house and opened up a drawer and found the hidden stash of stolen chopsticks.

Hilarious!

Emergency Situation

As I was driving to the gym this morning, I saw a large cloud of dust about a mile ahead on the freeway. As I got closer, I realized that it was a car accident. A truck that was travelling in the opposite direction rolled into the median and landed upside down. People were stopping on the side of the road and running across the freeway. (Not safe!) As I drove by, I was on the phone with Match.mom and asked her if she thought I should stop. We agreed that I had no live-saving skills so I probably didn't need to stop.

When I told this story to Diddy later in the afternoon, he brought up the fire alarm incident in Denver, and reminded me that I'm no good in emergency situations.

Oh, The Awkwardness

So I went on a date on Sunday. In my effort to be open-minded, I agreed to have beers with a guy I had not met, but had talked to on the phone. He was a little awkward on the phone. It was exemplified when we were in person.

I don't even know where to begin...

Let's start with the beers. We at a restaurant that has something like 100 beers on tap. So we get the menus and are deciding what to order. He asks me what kind of beer I like, then begins telling me that he brews his own beer. I have minor concerns about this discussion for various reasons, but let it pass.

Then we order our beers. He orders a chocolate stout and I order a Shiner Bock. They come and I ask him if he has ever been to the brewery in Tempe. He said he hasn't so I tell him that they have a DELICIOUS oatmeal stout that I highly recommend. He asks if I've ever had the one he ordered. I say no. He hands it to me to try.

Granted, he has not taken a drink out of it yet, but we don't know each other. I was a little freaked out. But not wanting to be offensive, I tried it. It was good.

So we drink our beers while he talks about the most random subjects you can think of. Including, but not limited to: dehydrating food, left guard lock, dishwasher installation, Craig's List, etc.

Then, we order our second beers, each of us gets a different one the second time around. And when they come - he has me taste his again. I just don't think this is normal...

Like Sands Through The Hourglass...

You know, they say things happen for a reason. It sure seems like horseshit when they happen to you though.

As of this morning, it turns out a new job will be happening for me.

So, let's all say, "Cheers" to new and exciting adventures!

And stay tuned for what those might be...

After all, these ARE the days of our lives.

UPDATE: Turns out the reason for this may have been to show me how wonderful my friends are! I'm seriously touched today!

The Adventures of Granny B and Airplane

For the past two days I have spent a lot of time with Granny Baller. We were scheduled to have lunch yesterday and when I arrived at her house she told me that we just had to wait for the painter to come to give her an estimate. Simple enough, right? Wrong. We also had to pick out a color for her house to be painted and what started out as off-white, quickly escalated to gold. So after an hour of paint chipping (and me talking her out of mustard yellow), we decided that the painter would return today at 11 to paint samples of each color on the wall for us to choose. Then we headed to lunch and ran errands for another two hours. No big deal.

But I was to return today at 11 to help pick out the paint color. And I knew that after we did that she needed me to run her to the post office. All tasks that I can handle.

After we picked out paint colors, we went to lunch at PJ Fangs. (Granny B LOVES this place!)

Let me take you back in time a couple of months: PJ Fangs had just opened near her house and she wanted to eat there. So we did. When lunch was over she took the plastic chopsticks (ok, I'll admit that IT and I stole a couple pairs of these in college...), and put them in her purse. Then she turned to me and said, these make really good stirrers. I thought to myself, so do spoons. But I let it go and asked her if she wanted mine too. She said that one pair would be enough.

About a month after that, we eat there again. We finish lunch and the same thing happens, only she explains that she uses them to stir paint when she needs to do touch-ups. Ok, whatever.

Back to the present - today after two days of dealing with the painter, we go to PJ Fangs for lunch and before we even get our drinks she puts the chopsticks in her purse and tells me again that she needs them to stir paint. WHAT?? How much paint is she stirring?? And how many touch-ups does she think she'll need to do after the professional comes in next week to repaint the whole house?

Ah, never a dull moment.

Professionalism?

Yesterday the family got together for my grandma's birthday and my cousin, FredAstaire* was there. FredAstaire is an engineer and about a year ago he got a job with a new firm. He has now been there long enough that he has people working under him and he sits in on their interviews.

In the last couple of months, a new guy was hired. We'll call him Eminem*. Eminem is right out of college and FredAstaire has found himself having to teach this young fellow all about proper office behaviors.

For example, they sit in cubicles, and every morning at around 8:02 am, Eminem comes into FredAstaire's cube and stands behind him before making himself known. About a week ago, they had to have their first lesson of cubicle etiquette and Eminem has followed protocol since then.

Then problem #2 arrived. This beats the shit out of problem #1.

Eminem sent FredAstaire an email asking him to review a program for him. (I'm not really sure what exactly that means.) Pretty simple request, right? Wrong.

The email went something like this:

"Yo, bra. This program is totally fizzle. Would you be sick twisted awesome and check it out for me? Thanks, Eminem (ballin') ps - I'm trippin to become the next Eminem."

Friends, I can not make this up. Is this kid serious?

Pictures of the Bees...

The black in that crevice is all bees.



This is how far up the mountain our BeeKiller* had to climb. We are all watching him kill the bees.



Lots of dead bees. And honeycomb. He said that it was like 5 feet tall.



This is BeeKiller*. He was our hero that day. Of course, he didn't get all of the bees, so now he is a zero.

Promises, Promises.

I'm always making promises I can't keep - like writing everyday. I'm so sorry. Truly, nothing that entertaining has happened to me lately.

On another note: I'm thinking about writing a fiction book based loosely on my friends - would you be upset about being in my book??

I'm deciding if the millions that I will make is worth losing my friends over...

I Can Hear The Bees Buzzing Through The Walls

Many of you know that I am obsessed with my nephew, BiggieSmalls*! He is hilarious! Seriously, the kid came out with my sense of humor! (As a sidenote: I also love TinySmalls*, he just can't talk yet, so he isn't as funny.)

So Biggie comes up with the most hilarious things you've ever heard. He doesn't miss a thing.

Let me also mention that Sissy has a beehive at her house. And not like, oh there's a beehive in the tree. Up on the mountain in a crack in a rock, there is a GIANT colony of bees making their home. On Biggie's first birthday, a friend of mine came up with his bee suit and tried to kill them, but there was no way to get them all. (I have pictures of this, but they are on another computer.) For some reason, these bees are non-aggressive and very attracted to water. They will literally drown themselves in a bowl of water. It is crazy.

Sissy just got a new dog so there is a bowl of water on the porch by the door, which means there are hundreds of bees also on the porch by the door.

So the other night, Match.mom and I were up at the house to spend the night before we headed to Tucson. Sissy was out of town and Match.mom and I were outside pushing Biggie on the swing. As we're swinging, he says, "Those futting bees." We ignore him and he says it again. Again we ignore him and he says it a third time. I tell him that we do not use that language and he should not say it again. We're good for the night.

The next morning, the two of us were outside giving the dog a treat and I needed to run inside to get Match.mom. So I say, "Biggie, I'll be right back. I just need to run inside for a minute." And he says, "Wait, I'm coming with you. There's a lot of futting bees out here!"

Great.

We Partied Like 1999!

Last night was my 10-year high school reunion. And it turned out to be a blast, but it's a long story that got us there.

About a year ago I was contacted by a former classmate and friend. We were Senior Class officers together so she felt obligated to contact me to help plan, even though she wasn't speaking to me. I, thinking it would be fun to torture her, agreed. This was mistake number one.

We began by trying to find people's contact info, this was not easy, but it was fun. It made me kind of excited for the reunion. Then we started the actual planning, and as it drew closer, I got less and less excited. Although, former friend started actually liking me again. But the drama that was associated with the planning and executing was ridiculous! Honestly, people will complain about everything!

I considered not going, but Match.mom told me that was not an option. So yesterday, I got all dolled up and headed to the party. I had decided prior to leaving my house that I would not be drinking, about 35 seconds into the whole thing, I regretted this decision!

Peach Sherbert* and I walked into the hotel lobby and immediately ran into a group of classmates at the bar. We stopped to talk to them and the fun began. We were both practically molested by one classmate who I'm pretty sure was strung out. Then he began asking Peach how prison was. (Sidenote: Peach has never been to prison.) He went outside to smoke and we hung out with the rest of the group a little longer before heading to our ballroom.

It only got worse as more people showed up. Everyone mingled for about 30 minutes and then found seats for dinner. And just like high school, all of the cliques remained. Peach and I branched out and sat at a table with some folks we didn't necessarily spend much time with in high school and this turned out to be a good decision.

After dinner things started to mellow out and we started to have a lot of fun. There was dancing and laughing and picture taking and we ended up staying to the end.

A few things of note:

1. My boobs were apparently the hit of the party (and I didn't even have to pay for them!) One guy walked up to me - with his wife - and asked if he could see my boobs. Then the wife of one of my classmates showed up in a similar dress and when she pointed it out, her husband told her that she would need bigger boobs before she could be my twin.

2. I had the most awkward conversation of my life with one of my LDS classmates. He asked me if I was married and when I told him I wasn't, he asked me if I had kids. What?

A Little Attention

As many of you know, when I was in college I worked for a radio station. For a while I thought that I would like to make a career out of radio promotions. This job broke me of that. However, it was a great job for a college student. I got into a lot of concerts and events free; and I had an unbeatable time at Country Thunder my senior year. For the love, I met JoDee Messina. That was one of the happiest moments of my life.

Well, one of my assignments for this job was to drive the station vehicle in the Christmas Light Parade. Not having been in a parade before (well, since high school Homecoming, which I don't think counts), I had no idea what this entailed. Bridezilla rode shotgun with me through the parade and we had a blast! Talk about a self-esteem boost. You're driving down the road with your windows down and everyone is looking at you and cheering. We actually thought about travelling around and being in parades - it was so great.

Well, today, I matched that feeling. I am visiting Dirty Shirley this week for some work events and today we took a drive to the beach in her 1973 Convertible Mustang. This thing is hott! (Yes, Banana, it is two t hott!) You have never had so many people check you out. The funny thing is that guys try to act all cool like they aren't checking out your car. They do a little look out of the corner of their eye. And then they see that there are two girls in the car and it's like a full-on stare. I actually think that one man took our picture.

I decided that if you had a Y chromosome and didn't at least take a second look at the car there was something wrong.

Then, we stopped at the post office on the way home and a young boy in a stroller, no more than 3 years old almost broke his neck checking us out.

Maybe we'll start going for younger men...

A Promise

Well, yesterday I committed to blogging every day and of course, today, I have no stories to tell.

So I will reccommend a funny website - www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com. Go. Now. You will laugh until you cry!

Attention, This is Building Management

First of all, I need to let you all know that my new goal is to blog every day. Please try to hold me to that or at least help make funny things happen so that I have material.

For the past week, Diddy and I have been in Denver for a conference for work. As is typical, this conference is a lot of meetings during the day and drinking and debauchery at night. Friday night was no different - probably even more drinking and debauchery than normal.

So Diddy and I arrive back at our room around 2:15 am. He has had a lot to drink (on the way home from the bar he told a friend of our that he though he got roofied. And then he said, "They should probably call it flooried because I'm about to hit the floor."). I'm not so drunk. I have to be up to sign in folks at the board meeting in the morning, so I set my alarm for 6:15 am and we go to sleep.

The next thing I know, I hear a noise and look at the clock - it is 4:30 am. I know it's not my alarm and then I listen. "Attention, this is Building Management. An alarm has been activitated. The fire department has been notified and is en route to investigate. For your safety, the elevators will not work during this time. Attention, this is Building Management..." You get the picture. Over and over and over. And each time it gets louder and louder. So I get out of bed and look out the peep hole to see if others are evacuating. Keep in mind that I have no idea how long this has been going off. They could all be at the street by now, but they are definitely not in the halls. So I wake Diddy up and we proceed to run around our room like idiots. We look out the window to see if there is a fire. Seeing none, we start texting other people staying there. No one replies. So finally, after five minutes or so, Diddy calls the front desk. Amazingly, the woman answers it; and he asks if we should evacuate. She says that it is a false alarm. He says, "Veronica, you're the best thing since sliced bread. Since it is a false alarm do you think you could turn the f-in thing off?" Apparently she tells him no because he hangs up, we go back to bed and for ten more minutes building management talks to us. Then finally the message changes to, "The fire department has investigated and every thing is secure." Yay! We can go back to sleep.

But no. They decided they wanted to be Sir-Mix-A-Lot with the announcement machine and they start playing them in parts for the next five minutes. I could have killed someone.

Turns out the alarm was only on the seventh and eigth floors so the people that we texted did not hear it. It also turns out that Diddy and I would not be very good firemen.

Step Up 3: The Gym

For the past week, I have been taking some of the group fitness classes at the gym. I tend to get tired of just doing an hour of cardio on a machine so I figured that the classes would break up the monotony.

On Tuesday night, I attended the Latin Fusion class. Apparently the teacher was a sub and she didn't like the music that the normal teacher gave her, so she made up her own class. We basically just did some hip hop dance moves to music for an hour. It was a great workout! Before the class started one of the other girls in attendance started talking to me and after class she asked me if I wanted to attend the Hip Hop class taught by the same teacher on Thursday.

So, Thursday night rolls around and I put on my normal workout clothes and head to the gym. I'm standing in the classroom waiting for my new friend to arrive when others start coming in for the class. They are all wearing hip hop clothes - scrunchy pants, sweat pants with one leg pulled up, wife beaters, etc. I felt like I was on the scene of a movie. And then the class started. And it was literally a hip hop class. We learned a dance. To a song I've never heard. It was not aerobics.

I'm Sorry, What Did You Say?

So there is apparently a characteristic that I inherited from my mom. There is clearly something about us that makes people want to tell us intimate details of their lives.

I can not begin to tell you how many times someone has poured out their soul to me and then followed it with, "I don't know why I just told you that."

Yeah, well I don't know why either and it is kind of freaking me out!

So, tonight, I'm in New Mexico for work and it happened again. Well - kind of.

As you'll remember, back in October, a portion of the fam and I headed to Hawaii for a work meeting. Well, it was a regional meeting so there were people from all over the southwest there. And there was this one family - a man, his wife, two daughters and mom.

Tonight, I was wandering around the social (actually contemplating heading back to my room and skipping dinner) when he stopped his conversation and yelled out, "What are you doing walking around here all alone?" As much as I would have liked to ignore him, I didn't. I walked over and started chatting. I kind of thought he was drunk becuase he kept swaying and getting really close to me (many of you know of my personal space issues...), but then he mentioned that he quit drinking. Hmmm. So then I ask, (because I've run out of things to talk about and it is getting awkward) "Did you come alone?" I don't think this is a strange question - I met his family. We all spent a week together. And he says, "Yeah, my wife found another boyfriend so I'm really alone."

What are you supposed to say to that?

Roll Tide, Roll?

At the airport today I saw a woman wearing an Alabama Crimson Tide shirt. And it got me thinking:

I'm not really sure what a Crimson Tide is, but I don't think it's a very good mascot for women. Regardless.

Don't Cha Know...

I seriously can't get over how these people talk. I actually am starting to feel like I'm drawing out my "o" sounds because I have been spending so much time around here.

But I need to keep writing or I'll forget some of the stuff that has happened on my trip.

When I got on the plane in Denver to head to Bismarck, there was a group of people who were travelling to ND for some type of work conference. Apparently it has been here before, but one of the ladies on the trip had never been. So the guy sitting next to her said, "Prepare to take a step back in time." And these people were from Idaho, so I deduced that it was going to be bad! And nothing has summed up this comment like the following picture.



These signs are everywhere! I actually said to a couple of the people that I'm travelling with, "I haven't seen one of those signs since 1982." And they didn't even blink an eye. North Dakota LOVES the giant fluorescent letters on the black sign.

And speaking of salons - the women love the short hairstyles here. I would think that more hair would keep you warm, but everyone has their hair very short.

And the other day, the exec for the NDSA was wearing Rockies. I almost cried for her!

On one of our trips, we got directions from one of the other staff members and he said, "You'll go through town and then start seeing signs." So as we come up on a grain elevator, the girls say, "this must be it." I looked at them and asked, "what distinguishes this as a town? As opposed to the guy a couple miles back that has a lot of grain bins?" And for that matter - why is there a country club in a "town" with only a grain elevator? And how exclusive could membership to a country club be if only twelve people live there? And how bad would you feel if they denied your membership?

In other news, we went into some small town podunk bar the other night and there was a woman (who was clearly a regular) walking around with no shoes on. I tried to take her picture for a punch in the face, but she wouldn't stand still and I only had my camera phone.

I have discovered that they do have West Nile Virus here, so I am starting to get a little concerned by the large number of bites that I have all over my body. Only time will tell...

On The Plains of North Dakota...

I'll just give you a few highlights of my trip so far:

I have literally been eaten alive by mosquitoes. Can they bite through clothes or are there just really perverted bugs here that are flying up my pant legs? I really hope they don't have West Nile Virus!

As my body is still two hours earlier than local time, I tried to sleep in on Tuesday morning after a 16 hour day. Apparently this was not in the cards. The fire alarm at the hotel went off at 7:30 am. But there was no fire and no one evacuated. I felt like I was in Coronado dorm again.

The people here talk funny. Like hilariously funny. They just add random words to the ends of their sentences. Words like, not, anyway, yet, hey. It is the strangest thing I've ever heard. I actually started to think about it last night - and was wondering how they teach language arts here. Do they learn proper English and then just disregard it? Or do they actually teach them to add random words to sentences?

I think that just about covers it. I have four more days of meetings though so I'm really hoping for some more stories!

An Arizona Adventure...Complete with Geronimo!

About a week ago, Dirty Shirley came to Arizona to visit me for my birthday. And since B-Town isn't all that fun, we decided that a tour around the northern part of the state was in order. We just didn't realize what an adventure it would be...

We started out bright and early on Friday morning, headed to the Grand Canyon. As luck would have it Dirty prepared herself for 103 degree weather, only to be met with something closer to half of that. It rained on us all the way to the GC. And not like a steady sprinkle - a torrential downpour! My windshield wipers could not keep up. (You may remember this same thing happening with EID last August.) And the best part of the whole deal is that we were both in shorts and t-shirts with no rain gear or jackets.

Fortunately, (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) the rain stopped once we got into the Park. As we made our way to the lookout point, we breathed a sigh of relief that we would be able to get out of the car without ending up as drowned rats. But we had to laugh as we walked up to the Canyon only to find it full of fog. You literally couldn't see to the other side. Or where the bottom was. Just in case you don't believe me:



So after about 10 minutes of that, we got back in the car and headed for Flagstaff. The plan was to have lunch, maybe shop a little, and then head to beautiful Holbrook, AZ for the night.

Plans changed. We got to Flag and it was still raining. But we bucked up and walked through it to get lunch at Diablo Burger, which was delicious. However, on our way to the restaurant we encountered some people splashing in the puddles with bare feet. And these people were not children - they were probably closer to mid-twenties and belong on the face punch blog!

After lunch we decide to forgo shopping and head to Holbrook and decide that if it is still raining when we get to Winslow, we'll stop at Wally World and get ponchos. As you can probably guess - it was still raining when we got to Winslow. (But I'll tell you right now that we never used the ponchos that we bought...)

When we got to Holbrook, Diddy and PapaBear weren't back from the ranch so we drove around town for a tour. And five minutes later we were back at the hotel (maybe we should go with motel) to wait. After everyone arrived, we headed across the street to the Empty Pockets saloon. The people there were so very entertaining! But alas, the boys were tired so we headed to bed to prepare for our morning at the ranch.

The trip out to the ranch was more eventful than the actual working. As it had rained most of the day before and all night, the roads were muddy. So we encountered some of our Native American neighbors stuck on the side of the road. The boys got out to help and Dirty and I stayed in the truck and laughed. The best part of the story is that they got stuck the night before and slept in the truck. Idiots.

After a morning of working cows, Dirty and I headed back the way we came. After watching 2000 sheep cross the Verde River and a quick stop to visit a friend, we headed to Prescott for the night.

We got to our hotel, and the man behind the desk had abnormally small hands. Literally, he could be a circus freak. Will it never end? Showered, changed and called a cab to Whiskey Row. This is where the fun began. As we stood against the wall playing our own version of "What Not To Wear," a small man came and stood next to us. You may remember this guy from Napoleon Dynamite, it was Pedro. If I'm lying, I'm dying. There is no way that the writers of that movie did not use this man as their creative inspiration for that character.

After a few drinks, Sweet Home Alabama came on and Dirty and I decided to head to the floor for a little dancing. All was going well until Geronimo decided that he wanted to dance with us. Trying not to be heinous bitches, we didn't turn and run. We played along for the remainder of the song while he spun us at the same time and then square-danced with us. Thinking back on it now, I can't remember if he ever said anything. Hmmm. So song ends and another good one comes on so Dirty and I start dancing again. Trying not to dance with him, but not being very successful. Then he grabs my hand and makes me dance with none other than Pedro. And besides the fact that Pedro couldn't dance AT ALL, he was kind of creepy. When the song ended and I said thanks, he just kept smiling and nodding his head. Next song, Dirty and I start swing dancing together - international sign for "We don't want to dance again with the freaks that we danced with last time." Apparently Geronimo and I don't speak the same international language and he pulled us apart and made me dance with Pedro again. I almost cried.

As the song was ending, Dirty told the G-man that we had to leave because our mom was there to pick us up. He asked if we'd be back tomorrow night and she said no. Then he proceeded to tell her that he would be at the square the next day blowing up balloons. Which was actually a nice warning for us to keep our eyes open. So we leave the dance floor and go get a couple of glasses of water at the bar, where we see Pedro buying a rose. Figuring that it was for me, we hide and then leave the bar in a hurry. Luckily, our buddy the cab driver was sitting at the curb and we jumped in were out of there. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, our 10 minute cab ride was very interesting.

So morning rolls around and we head downtown for breakfast. As we sit by the window in our restaurant enjoying our coffee, who walks by? Geronimo! Only he has apparently changed characters for balloon blowing and he is now Trapper Dan. I really don't think the guy is mentally stable.

After breakfast and a quick look around the shops, we left town headed for Wickenburg. After a pretty uneventful afternoon, we made our way back to B-Town.

That night, Diddy decided that he wanted to go to BWW for some wings and beer and we thought that sounded harmless enough. We were wrong. First of all, our waiter was like the butler in Mr. Deeds. He just kept appearing out of nowhere. Then, we ran into some people Diddy knows and one of the girls had a permanent bracelet, which just about made me throw up. Then, karaoke started. I can't even begin to tell you about the people who think that they can sing. And they were singing like it was open mic night at a bar in Nashville and they were going to get discovered by RCA. We laughed until we cried! And the best part of the whole thing is that the Karaoke Diva running the machine had a haircut inspired by the one pictured below:



I'm in North Dakota this week, so I imagine there will be some more stories to tell soon.

Walkin' In Memphis...

Apparently there is someting about the Memphis airport that makes everyone want to sing. I bet I have sat next to or walked by at least 5 people who broke out in random song at the top of their lungs.

I'm so confused!

In Phoenix, AZ, We Drank Way Too Much Corona

And woke up by the river, in Jeff City, MO...

Unfortunately, I never knew how true the lyrics to that Big&Rich song would be to my life. But this weekend, that was the exact story of my life, and not for any entertaining purpose.

This was the weekend of Hillbilly Hell! The title that I gave to this weekend turned out to be way too true to life!

Let me start from the beginning...

On Thursday afternoon, I was scheduled to fly out of the Phoenix airport, headed to Memphis, to make my connection to Columbia, MO. (Which the bride said, was a little smaller than KC or St. Louis.) Besides the fact that the TSA peeps took my ice packs for my lunch box, everything went as planned. In Memphis, I met up with the only other bridesmaid, who I had never met before. Again, this was pretty normal. It was when we boarded our plane that things started to turn. After you gave the lady your boarding pass, she said, "go down the stairs and stay inside the white lines to the last plane in that group." Excuse me? This was not a joke, after you walked down the stairs, you were on the tarmac and there were about seven planes sitting there with their engines running. Imagine if you accidentally boarded the wrong plane and ended up in Shubuta, Mississippi?? That would be a bad day! Unless, of course, you ran into "Ol' Yella' Dawg."

The flight wasn't bad, even though we were on a prop plane the size of a closet, and we made it to Columbia without incident. Once there, Alabama Slamma* and her fiance met us at baggage claim and we headed to Jeff City to find something to eat. Of course, when we got out to the car and loaded our bags they gave us each a beer. As far as I know, it is still not legal in Missouri to drive around with an open container. Apparently, they were not concerned about this small detail.

They asked us repeatedly what we would like to eat, and neither of us really cared, we were just hungry, so they took us to a Mexican food restaurant. (I will stop here and let you know that the other bridesmaid was from West Texas. The both of us are familiar with good Mexican food, and I'm pretty sure we weren't going to find it in Missouri's Capitol city.) Either way, we sit down, the fiance orders two pitchers of margaritas and we enjoy a small dinner before heading to our hotel - correction, motel. We are staying at the Econo Lodge because the MOB is paying for it. I would have gladly paid and upgraded!!

So morning rolls around and the bride and groom have to meet with the pastor, so the Texas Tornado* and I spend the morning with a walk to McDonald's (in pouring rain with people looking at us like we were crazy) for coffee and getting ready for the day. At around 11, the couple shows up and we all go to get lunch.

We then spend the remainder of the day running ridiculous errands that should have been completed prior to the day before the wedding. Literally, all day long, we ran around town dropping things off, picking things up, and comforting Alabama because her mom is a raging psycho and wasn't coming into town until the day of the wedding. This was not fun. I now have two questions before agreeing to be in a wedding: what color are the bridesmaid dresses? and have you hired a wedding planner? If the answer to both of those questions is not what I want it to be, the answer is no. (If you are reading this, and someday hope to have me be in your wedding, the ideal responses are the black dress of your choice and yes. There are a few other combinations that will work, but if the second answer is no - I'm out.)

At some point, we go to the house of the couple, where they have cats. Yes, cats, plural. And they live in the house. And shit in a box. It smells and I wanted to die! Also, the cats get on the kitchen table. In my opinion, there is nothing more disgusting than a cat (or any animal for that matter) on a surface where food is prepared or consumed. This is the ultimate "face-punch" offense. I'm serious!

That night consisted of a bbq at the house. Oh, are you wondering where we fit rehearsal in? We didn't. Because her parents could not inconvenience themselves to come the day before the wedding, we were scheduled to rehearse at 1:00 pm the day of the wedding. Which also means, no rehearsal dinner. Thus, the bbq at the house. About 10 people showed up - it was not much fun and the hamburgers were burnt. And, everyone made a big deal about the guacamole that the groom made and it was literally just mashed up avocados and a packet of seasoning. This is what they considered good Mexican food...

The day of the wedding turned out to be the worst of them all. We were instructed to get to the house at 8:30 am to begin the day's activities. We had to check into the hotel that they would go to after the wedding, get ready for the wedding, pick up the flowers, rehearse the ceremony, get the groom's daughters ready for the wedding (did I mention that he has a 10 and 12 year old that need their asses whooped like you wouldn't believe?!?!), getting dressed, taking pictures, and then finally the wedding.

The rehearsal was more chaos than I can handle! It was like I was dealing with a bunch of apes who had never even been to a wedding. How hard is it to walk down the aisle and then back again? Apparently for these folks, it was like doing quantam physics - completely impossible!

Finally, the wedding was over and it was time to head to the reception. Fun, right? No. The entertainment was an accordion player. I can't make this up. An accordian player who apparently knows over 4,000 songs. To me this is not admirable, it is a good reason to get punched in the face. When we got to the reception, we ate, did toasts, cut cake, the couple did their first dance (they decided to forgo the accordion playing for this and used a CD), did the chicken dance and hokey pokey, threw birdseed on them as they left, and went home. I was in bed by 11:30 pm.

I wish that I would have video taped one conversation with the MOB - this woman is literally the MOST redneck, hillbilly, knuckle dragging person I have ever met. Picture a cross between Granny from "Beverly Hillbillies" and the adoptive mom from "Pete's Dragon." If I'm lyin', I'm dyin' people. She would be a dead ringer if the two of them procreated. Every other word out of her mouth was a curse word and usually the F-word. She can't have any conversation without talking about sex or drinking. And when the man told her that she couldn't take her beer out of the reception facility, she flipped him off. I felt like I was at a southern Special Ed Fraternity party when I was around her. The woman is ridiculous.

The groom's parents obviously were not fans of the bride and looked like they were being tortured the entire time.

The other bridesmaid told me that she would be shocked if the marriage lasted 10 years.

The only entertaining part of the night came when a little boy, who was about 5 had the following conversation with his dad in the hallway outside of the bathrooms:

Dad: Here's the boys room, but someone is in it. Let's wait here.
Little Boy: (pointing to the writing on the door) Is that how you spell boy?
Dad: That says Men
LB: (pointing to a door across the hall) What does that say?
Dad: That says "private."
LB: (after a short pause) Oh, that must be for girls.

It was HIILLLARIOUUUS!

When we arrived this morning for our flight, we had to ring the bell at the desk for someone to check us into our flight. I asked if I could get on the earlier flight and the gentleman who also worked as the maintanence man and baggage person, told me that he wouldn't know until he knew how much fuel he had. What? Do you not have a tank out there? Can't you just put more if you need to??

Apparently not, but he did have enough fuel for me and I was able to get a seat. So we walk around to security and it is closed. Apparently at this airport, security only opens 10 minutes prior to the plane leaving so you just hang out in the lobby while you wait. And the only other things in the lobby are two rental car counters and three vending machines. A little smaller than KC and St. Louis turned out to be the understatment of the year...

Waging A War...

Today is the day that I head to Missouri for the weekend that I have dubbed, "Hillbilly Hell." A former roommate is getting married and I have been asked (surprise, surprise) to be a bridesmaid. As a side note: if anyone has any suggestions of ways to politely turn down a request of this type - I am VERY open to them!

This morning, I was readying myself and my house for the weekend away. This usually consists of taking out the trash, washing the dishes, starting the dishwasher, etc. As I begin to rinse out the sink for dish-washing, I look down and there is a scorpion in it. I try, unsuccessfully to drown him. Then I have a mild heart attack, call Match.mom, and run through my house trying to find a bottle of isopropyl alcohol. (I somehow remember that this kills scorpions.) I don't find any, but I do get Match on the phone. She tells me to calm down and pour bleach on the intruder - after she asks me if I'm sure it's a scorpion. Am I sure?? Are you kidding me???

A half bottle of bleach later, the apparent cockroach-scorpion hybrid has not died. However, I have immobilized him enough that I feel safe reaching into the sink to smash him with something.

After disposing of him properly, I begin to realize what has just happened - a spider in the shower and then a scorpion in the sink - those bastards have just fired a shot across the bow. I DO NOT take that lightly! So, as soon as I return home from the disaster that is going to be this weekend, I am waging war! I will call the exterminator and spread some powdered laundry detergent around the perimeter of my house (apparently this slowly kills scorpions by eating away their flesh).

Just remember, in this battle, "if you're not with us, you're against us!"

You'll Never Believe It...

Last weekend, I flew to Sacramento to surprise EID for her 30th birthday! She turned 30 earlier in the week, amid a major mental breakdown, and was spending the weekend at a conference in California's Capitol City.

So, on Friday afternoon, I boarded a plane at Phoenix Sky Harbor headed to Sac-town. Unbeknownst to EID, Auditor and I had devised a plan in which she would pick me up from the airport and we would surprise EID at the hotel.

I arrive in Sac, later than planned, due to a delay somewhere else in the world earlier that day. And it is raining. Not just a sprinkle that might let up soon - full on rain. And I didn't bring any rain clothes. My lucky day.

As I stand under cover, enjoying my snack of edamame, (did you know that you can't bring yogurt on the plane? It is considered a cream), my old boyfriend from "Stay Beautiful" found me. Seriously, I can not make this up.

I saw him out of the corner of my eye and immediately pulled out my phone to call Match.mom. For two reasons, really. 1. To appear busy so that he would not talk to me, and 2. To tell her what was happening. However, he walked up to me and stood there until I hung up. So I couldn't tell her that the crazy man who told me to stay beautiful was standing right in front of me.

I successfully blew him off, but I'm kind of scared to ever fly into that airport again...

Next Stop - Crazytown!

Well, it's finally here - wedding week. Obviously not my wedding week. That would just be crazy! Wait, wedding week? Since when are weddings week long affairs? Oh well.

As you all know, my younger brother is getting married on Friday. My younger brother is getting married and I do not have a date. Pretty shitty, right?

It gets better!

Two weeks ago, I attended the wedding of my younger brother's best friend on Saturday night. The next day, at our family Easter gathering, my younger cousin got engaged. Two weeks after little brother gets married - I will get on a plane to Missouri to be in the wedding of a friend. Today, I got an invitation in the mail for a former colleague's wedding.

WTF??

To be honest, it is amazing that I am sitting here typing this post and not drowning myself in a bottle of Crown right now.

It Is About the Warrior...

If you missed the Academy of Country Music Awards, you missed a great performance by Trace Adkins.

When I See That Bleeker Kid...

If you didn't see Juno, go and do it! But also, this title won't make sense to you.

But the point is, the "Punch in the Face" blog has been created. I realized that there was going to be a lot more than one post worth of material.

So...(drumroll, please), http://makeafist.blogspot.com is officially open for business!

If you happen to encounter something that is deserving of being on this blog - do not hesitate to send it to me.

Enjoy!

Delicious!

I'm in Cortez, CO for work this weekend and it is not a very exciting place. However, tonight I was looking for a place to grab dinner and catch some March Madness and I came upon a local brewery. They did not have basketball on, but they did have a Honey Raspberry Wheat Ale that was to die for! Seriously, if I didn't have to get on a plane to get to my next location, I would by a couple of 1/2 gallons and take them with me. I'm drooling just thinking about it.

In other news, I am currently collecting samples for my "People Who Need To Be Punched In The Face" blog. So stay tuned, because this could be good!

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

I love my job! I think that I have mentioned this before, but this week I was reminded of some of the reasons that I love my job.

I left my house Monday morning and headed to airport to fly to Sacramento. The plan was that I would attend county meetings each night of the week with Honker and his officer team. During the day there would be a variety of tours and meetings that we would attend and when not doing that, I had a few conference calls to be on, and work that needed to get done. So, on Thursday, we left the hotel early and headed south. Our first stop was at a feedlot, next it was off to the Harris Ranch Restaurant for lunch with a California Governor's candidate. I mean, how many people go from a feedlot to a major political lunch?!? Either way, during the lunch the candidate was asked about climate change and global warming and she mentioned the Industrial Revolution about 10 times in her response. All I could think about was this video clip: http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3521183769/ (I couldn't find the video to be embedded so you'll have to watch it via this link.)

One more thing from my trip:

There are two things that every man needs to know (and every woman too so that she can enlighten her man...):

1. If you lose your hair, it is never, I repeat, NEVER acceptable to have a comb-over. I mean do people really think that we don't realize that their hair is being combed from below their ear to the other side of their head? I am not ok with hair pieces either, but they don't freak me out as much as comb-overs.

2. If your eyebrows grow so long that they are growing into your hair line, trim them. No one will be able to tell that you trimmed them, really.

Random Observations

I have a few random observations that don't warrant an entire blog post, but are worth mentioning...

- If you are a man, and you pierce your ear, you forfeit your right to wear a cowboy hat.

- Why are the bellboys in Utah so much better looking than anywhere else?

- If you take the time to get in your car and go to the gym - at least break a sweat while you're there.

I think that is all for now. I'm sure there will be more. There always is.

A Time Warp

So last weekend, Diddy and I made the drive up to Kingman for the Mohave County Annual Dinner and Dance. And it was a party! Whiskey and White Zinfandel were flowing like water and everyone was wearing their nicest outfit for the occasion! There were people there who hadn't been to "town" in months and they were ready to let loose. I'm almost positive that there were people there who have never been out of Mohave County.

Included in the fashion were:

- A 1989 Brushpopper with wolves howling at the moon.

- Some of the fanciest hair-dos I've seen since the Brady Bunch went off the air.

- Several pairs of brand new Levi's. And when I say brand new, I mean stopped at Corral West on the way into town and put them on at the hotel.

- A woman with crimped hair down to her butt. I'd like to know where she found that crimper though, because two Halloweens ago, BFL* and I looked everywhere for a crimper and we never found one.

- A woman wearing Rockies, circa 1995. I honestly don't think you can buy those anymore.

It was quite entertaining.

And speaking of fashion, Diddy and I went to the bar the other night with a couple of friends and there were three things that I would be remiss if I didn't mention:

- A VERY large man wearing a shirt that he stole from the Renaissance Festival.

- Wynonna Judd's twin, wearing the shiniest faux silk shirt I've ever seen.

- The fanciest ladies reverse mullet I've ever seen. It was definitely "party in the front, business in the back!" Part of me wondered if she got her hair cut in Leaf Verde.

My New Thing...

So I may have had a mild nervous breakdown last week. Nothing for you all to worry your pretty little heads about, but it has caused me to do some self-discovery, which is a lot more fun that you would think!

I won't bore you with all of the details, but suffice it to say, that my new thing is red fingernails. I ran across a picture of me with my fingernails painted red and I loved it. So earlier this week, I had a little free time and I went to visit the local nail shop to get my fingernails painted red. Just in case you were wondering, I still love it! It is my new favorite thing! It makes me feel very fancy and people are commenting on them everyday.

I must say, it's cheeep, but makes me look 'spensive.

This story reminded me of this video. Even if you've already seen it - watch it again - it's just as hilarious the second time around!

I Need A Man Around Here...

About two weeks ago I was sitting at my desk and talking to Banana on the phone. Innocently, I looked down and saw the BIGGEST spider in the universe crawling behind my desk. I freaked out. Literally, my heart was racing, blood was pounding in my ears so I couldn't even hear outside noises, it was out of control. So I run to get a shoe out of my closet to kill this intruder. However, he is sneakier than I am and when I returned he was in such a location that I couldn't get to him. So I just put him out of my mind and continued on about my day.

So today I go through the motions to get in the shower. I turn the water on so that it can get hot while I undress and get a towel.

Let's take short break while I explain to you that there are two activities each day that are strictly "Airplane-time." That is, a time when I do not have my cell phones and no one can bother me. Those times are the gym and the shower. I am very serious about these two occasions being uninterrupted. Matthew McConaughey could show up at my house and want to get in the shower and I would tell him no. That's serious.

Back to the present - water is warm and I get in the shower. I look down and who is there to interrupt this very serious time in my day? The GIANT spider. I almost had a heart attack. Which would pretty much be horrible. First of all, it would take someone a really long time to find me since I live alone. And when they did find me, I'd be naked. And finally, my water bill would be out of control if the shower ran that long... Either way, there was only one thing I could do. I had to kill the spider. I tried to drown him, but he was apparently a mutant and resisted my murderous attempt. So I look around and decide I have to smash him with a shampoo bottle. So, I'm in the shower, water running around me, with a shampoo bottle in my hand, and the intent of murder in my mind. I finally got up the nerve and killed the SOB. But not before he ruined my shower time. For the remainder of my shower all I could think about was the spider coming back to life and biting me.